Moogles Gone Wild! JK! Aeris' Birthday, Gone Wild!
by thehotmageaeris
Summary: COMPLETE! Aeris turns 23! First she's stuck with Sephiroth, then she ends up with unexpected guests and decides to throw a birthday bash, and all hell breaks lose when her bday wish comes true.
1. Sephiroth's hell

AERIS' BIRTHDAY PARTY!  
  
Author: I don't legally own Sephiroth, Vincent, Link, Dante, Kain, Legolas, or Kuja. or do I? Mwahahahahaha!!! (Slaps self) Ehem, excuse me.  
  
Sephiroth and Vincent and everyone else: Help us! Let us out of this cage! It's really small!  
  
Author: SILENCE! (Pokes inside the cage with a stick) Now be good, then I might let you all get out and have some exercise later.(Evil grin) in my room. Mwahahaha! On with the fic!  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
It was morning in Midgar. Aeris Gainsborough is in her kitchen baking a round cake for her birthday. Sephiroth is sitting in the corner with a shock collar on and bound with heavy chains. The Ancients as their way of saying thank you revived Aeris for saving the planet from meteor. Unfortunately, they also made her take care of Sephiroth. He sat there, glaring at her in her pink petite dress as she put the cake in her oven, humming a sweet tune all the while. After setting the timer, she walked over and sat in the chair in front of Sephiroth and looked at him with a smile.  
  
"It's my birthday today, Sephiroth, what would you like to do today, any ideas?" Aeris asked with the smile she had on her face.  
  
"Kill you and everything else! I'll do it! I shall kill - AHHHGGHHAHHHGHHH!!!" Sephiroth began howling in pain as shocking waves of pain shot through his body, Aeris had pushed the button on the remote for his shock collar. She began to shake her head in disappointment.  
  
"Tsk, tsk, Sephiroth. You need to be a bit friendlier to someone who's turning 23. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE A WOMAN! Do you want to go watch that 24-hour marathon of Blues Clues, Teletubies and Barney? Again?" Aeris said waving her finger at him as his eyes widened in shear fear and screams like a little girl on helium.  
  
"No! NO! Anything but that! OK! I'll behave! Just DON'T! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE NOOOOO!" Sephiroth screamed shaking his head violently on the brink of tears. Aeris smiles at him and strokes his left cheek to calm him down.  
  
"That's my good little Sephy-poo." Aeris cued at him. "Now! Back to the question I asked. What should we do today?"  
  
"I-I don't k-know! Parade around in a Chocobo suit? JUST BE MERCIFUL!!!" Sephiroth sobbed as she held the 24-hour tape under his nose.  
  
"Oh! I know what I can do with you." Aeris informed Sephiroth gleefully as she ran her fingers through his silver hair.  
  
".Does it involve blood and carnage?" Sephiroth asked intently with an evil smile. Aeris closes the distance between their faces with their noses touching. Sephiroth's eyes widened as Aeris continued to fondle his facial features almost sexually.  
  
"Not quite but close enough." Aeris purred.  
  
An hour later.  
  
The cake had been frosted. Screams of agony came from Aeris' room. Aeris was found sitting on top of a tied down Sephiroth on her bed. She was putting lipstick on the terrified Sephiroth.  
  
"Hold still, I can't make you pretty without you being still." Aeris said now putting eyeshadow on his eyelids. He starts screaming again.  
  
"I don't want to wear girlie fufu stuff!" He cried out. "And besides I'm not a winter shade, I'm a summer shade!"  
  
"On contrail! You look soooo cute! Now, we need to get you in a dress." Aeris got up and walked to her closet. She pulled out an old tattered pink dress from her adventures with Avalanche that she didn't wear anymore and walked back to untie Sephiroth. She held a whip in her hand ready once he was loose. He immediately ran to the corner, shaking in horror. (And you thought Sephiroth was evil.) Aeris stepped over to the spastic Sephiroth with a mischievous grin on her face and threw him the dress. Sephiroth, cowering in dread, gawked at the small woman.  
  
"Put it on. Sephiroth." She said quietly before she cracked the whip. He shrieked at the sound it made.  
  
Ten minutes later.  
  
Sephiroth was in the semi dark. He was holding a camcorder in his hands. He turned on record and began to speak to it in a whisper. "I'm making this tape in this closet where she can't hear me and that so when anyone finds my rotting body they will know how I died."  
  
He stopped talking when he saw the shadow in the floor crack under the door of someone standing on the other side of it. His eyes widened in fear. "Oooh, Sephy-poo." The creature that put fear in the heart of Sephiroth sung quietly through the door. The door handle turned slowly. Sephiroth could hear his own heart beat rapidly as he stood motionless, hardly breathing. "I'vvvve found you!" With that the door flung open, Sephiroth screamed like a little girl. The creature in pink pulled him swiftly out of the closet by his hair as he screamed frantically and struggled in vain. The camcorder fell to the floor before the batteries died.  
  
Ten more minutes later.  
  
Sephiroth was sitting in an Aeris dress with make up all on and his hair braided with a pink bow, sulking the whole time. He was dressed just like Aeris. Meanwhile Aeris was busy prancing about fixing up her house, cleaning things or just doing nothing in particular while wearing Sephiroth's leather clothing loosely over her own. (O.o yeah, I know.)  
  
"What else can we do, my little Sephy-poo?" Aeris asked when her head popped into view. Sephiroth grimaced at her presence and cringed slightly away.  
  
"Please, Gods, kill me now! PLEASE!" Sephiroth muttered to the ceiling. No avail, Sephiroth sighed. He could not harm her, the Lifestream had protected her from any hostile movements towards her by him the second she was revived. Whenever he tried, the Lifestream would hurl him back as punishment, then Aeris would top it off with a good shock on the neck, courtesy of the fool proof collar. So to it put all on easy terms. He was her slave! The great mighty formal general, feared by all was reduced to this, folks. Yes. (Well, it's what he deserves!) Anyway! Aeris was now before him, stretching his cheeks in uncomfortable lengths while giggling. He glared at her with great loathing.  
  
"Come now my little Sephy-poo, cheer up! I want today to be fun. For it is my birthday. Hey, you haven't even wished me a happy birthday. That is very rude." She stated in her most innocent cute voice she could. She frowned when he didn't say anything and folded her arms with his leather apparel still on. The sleeves were obviously to long for her, as well as the rest of the outfit, making her look as silly as him. A twinkle of impishness came back to her eyes. "Hey! I'll tell you what! I'll let you take off the dress if you do one thing."  
  
"And that would be.?" he asked in an unnerved tone.  
  
"If you dress up as a Police officer male stripper!" Aeris jumped up and down with glee, letting giggles out.  
  
". Do not tell me that you actually have a costume!" He said in a shocked tone.  
  
"Actually. I don't." Aeris stated in disappointment. Sephiroth sighed in relief and relaxed a little until she spoke again. "But my mother has one! Though, I never figured out why."  
  
"Dear Gods!" he said in disgust.  
  
"Hold on!" Aeris skips out of the room to where her mother's room is. She then digs through her mother's trunk in search of the costume as she tosses the unwanted items aside. Hmm.clothes, not there. a shotgun, nuh uh. a chocobo plushy, nope. a pack of pretty yet suspicious gems, not what I wanted. Ah, here it its! She pulls out the uniform and runs back to Sephiroth with it in her arms. She finds him trying to make a noose out of the hair ribbon she put in his hair.  
  
"OK, Sephy-poo! Here you go if you wish to wear something else." Aeris said joyfully, throwing him the costume.  
  
"Quit calling me 'Sephy-poo', it is so sickening." He began as he sat there.  
  
"PUT IT ON ALREADY!!!" Aeris interjected forcefully and impatiently. And so he got down to his boxers with the little chocobos and moogles on it (girls in audience whoop and squeal insanely) and he put on the costume. He had it all on, even the cute little police officer hat.  
  
"Yes! Now isn't this fun? You can be the stripper for my party! I always wanted one of those wild parties!" Aeris squealed giddily. He rolled his eyes and then yawned.  
  
"There is no party, no one wants to be here because I'm here!" Sephiroth declared as he curled up in a ball on a nearby couch, all the while wondering how the hell she was ever portrayed as an innocent little good- girl. She was insane and creepy. Aeris saw him do this and went next to him and sat down. He quickly covered his head with a cushion. "Leave me alone, haven't you tortured me enough?!  
  
"Don't worry little boy, I won't hurt you. yet! Mwuahahahahhaha! Come here and lay on mommy's lap. I have lots of candy for you." Aeris said as she patted here lap in notion to her request.  
  
"Bugger off, freaky female child!" Sephiroth's muffled voice said from beneath the cushion. Aeris' eyes fill with rage and fire ignites behind her dramatically and steam is coming out of her ears. He realized he said the wrong words as he peaked out from under the cushion. "uh oh."  
  
"LAY ON MOMMY'S LAP, LITTLE BOY! Or else." With daggers in her eyes, Aeris holds up the 24-hour marathon tape in one hand and the shock remote for his collar in the other. Her lap suddenly looks appealing to him after that. He rapidly scooted over closer to her and laid his head upon her lap, he wouldn't admit that it was rather comfy too. Aeris stashed the tape and remote in her pocket and turned her attention back to the cuddled Sephiroth. Softly, she began to stroke his hair. "Mmmm, so soft. Must be using Panteen Pro-V."  
  
"Hmm." Sephiroth said in response, cuddling closer while on the brink of sleep. Soon enough, he was snoring and beginning to drool in Aeris' lap.  
  
"Ewwww. Oh well, at least it's on his own clothes." Aeris murmured to herself. "Oh, he's just so adorable."  
  
Around the afternoon.  
  
"It's missing something." Aeris was staring hard at her neatly made plain chocolate cake. She tilted her head ever so slightly until something clicked in her head. "Oh! I know!" She heads back to her mother's room and grabs the pack of odd gems, cleaned them off, and then polished them with a towel. There were only six of them. She then carefully arranged them upon her cake in a circle. Sephiroth had woken up and was watching her, still wearing the police striping costume (heheheh :P ). She had taken off his leather gear after Sephiroth had drooled all over the lap of it. "Tada! Now it's a pretty cake."  
  
"It's a cake." Sephiroth said bluntly. "And aren't you supposed to have candles on it?"  
  
"Oh! Almost forgot!" And with that, Aeris tentatively placed a single candle in the middle of the cake. " I don't have twenty-three candles and besides, it would most likely have been tacky looking. I think a single candle is good enough. Doesn't it look lovely?"  
  
"It's a cake." Sephiroth repeated in a bored manner with just a hint of annoyance.  
  
"But it's a pretty cake." Aeris chimed, proud of her creation.  
  
"IT'S A GOD DAMNED CAKE WOMAN!" He bellowed. She shrugged while putting it in a safe spot.  
  
"I guess it's not good enough for you so I guess you don't want any." Aeris confirmed purposely heedless of Sephiroth's growling stomach. He opened his mouth to protest but she began to sing as she cleaned the kitchen, prompting Sephiroth to shut it. She paused in her song to look over at him with puppy dog eyes. "You don't even be nice to me on my birthday, much less wish me a happy birthday or give me a present. Sniff. How rude!" Sephiroth groaned in aggravation as she was putting him through the guilt trip.  
  
She is such a vexatious woman! He thought as he walked away from the kitchen.  
  
Twenty minutes later.  
  
"I'm off to sell some flowers! Behave Sephy-poo!" Aeris called walking out the door with her basket of freshly picked flowers. Sephiroth stood upstairs until she was gone, he then immediately began pacing the floor. He tried to devise some plan of escape out of this hell. He couldn't leave the threshold of this house, which included the whole radius of Aeris' yard as well. The Lifestream made sure to forbid it by casting him back into the boundaries of Aeris' property. He soon gave up scheming and sank to the floor in grief, he already tried escaping with every idea possibly thought of but to no avail.  
  
"Well, I shall be stuck here for the rest of eternity I suppose." Sephiroth muttered to himself. He got up and went downstairs and then outside into the garden. Sephiroth stood there amongst the beautiful flowers for a long moment. With much grace and agility, he leapt high into the air, attempting once again one of his hapless methods of striving to escape. He flew high up until. Crack! His head hit an invisible barrier in the air and was suddenly repelled back towards the ground.  
  
"Oof!" Sephiroth had the wind knocked out of him. He sat up moaning and rubbing the large bump growing on his head. "Oww." He spent the next hour bouncing about the yard and off the invisible boundary like a pinball in the machine until his head was covered in bumps and his face was bleeding. Sephiroth laid on the dirt, half-unconscious. He hardly noticed the distraught looking Aeris standing over him. "Be merciful, child of the netherworld!"  
  
"Huh? You were at it again, weren't you, Sephiroth!? I would of thought that you would have realized by now that you are confined here until you change your ways." She was already bent over him, trying to pull him up. He was much too heavy. Sephiroth just laid there, limp and bloody. Aeris let out a sound of dissatisfaction and left the garden to go into her house. She came back out with a rag, a bowl of water and ointment. Aeris sat down and hauled Sephiroth's bloodstained head into her lap and began to lightly clean his face. She commenced in humming a tune long forgotten with a smile upon her face.  
  
Sephiroth barely understood what, where or when while he was coming back into the real world. He could hear beautiful music though. He tried squinting, only to see brightness with a blurry yet attractively depicted face only a few inches above his. He felt coolness draped upon his forehead and soft hands caressing his face. Though he was numb, he reached up to touch the front the figure to see whether they were real and he wasn't hallucinating.  
  
Aeris stopped her singing and attending to healing Sephiroth when her eyes widened at him. She was shocked to find a half-unconscious Sephiroth pawing her breasts. In a swift few motions, Sephiroth was with several more bumps on his head. Sephiroth was now wide-awake and crying out in pain. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!?!"  
  
"YOU WERE GROPING MY CHEST!!!" Aeris screamed at him, her face was crimson from embarrassment and rage.  
  
"I was not! I was lost in the void of my mind, Aeris... It was such a happy place there." Sephiroth replied, going back off into his own little world again with a discrete smile. "Don't have a conniption, Aeris."  
  
Aeris only fumed more and stomped back into her house. Sephiroth stood up, a bit shaky though. He looked back towards the house and caught sight of Aeris in her bedroom window upstairs. She noticed him with a frown on her face and slammed the window closed. Sephiroth stood there for a moment, letting a smug grin onto his face. Yup, they're real.  
  
Author: Mwahahaha! Such a naughty little boy you are, Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth: Thanks. I tend to be quite evil. I mean with meteor, killing you, burning down whole towns, slaughtering a building full of people, and just killing for the hell of it, and all. yeah I think I'm evil.  
  
Author: Yes! And we all love you for you for it. Now, get back in the cage! (Snaps whip)  
  
Vincent: When can the rest of us be in the story?  
  
Kuja: Yeah, and can we have our own cage? Legolas keeps stepping on my new shoes!  
  
Legolas: No I'm not! Besides, they're gay anyway.  
  
Link: Why the hell are we in the cage in the first place anyway? Hey! Move your elbow, Dante!  
  
Author: You'll all be in the story, sooooon. But I have to get at least 5 reviews and then I'll do the next chapter! Yes, I'm an evil egotistic person, so start reviewing, 'cause the next chapter will be better. Anyway. Fine, I'll let each of you have your own cage. And you're in them because you are my torture victims!  
  
Dante: That's a pretty stupid answer.  
  
Author: Bite me.  
  
Kain: OK!  
  
Author: No, not now. wait till the people are gone.  
  
Kain: ok.  
  
Legolas: Lembassssss.  
  
Vincent: I don't think people are even reading the author notes.  
  
Author: Oh well, I don't care. I'm ganna go eat some sushi. Goodbye people, whoever is reading this. I'll be dead again. What am I saying? I'm so confused.  
  
Sephiroth: In other words. stupid.  
  
Author: Shut up, or I'll make you all watch the 24-hour marathon of Barney and friends.  
  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Author: that's what I thought. Are you people still reading this?! Go away! Go get something to eat or get some fresh air and exercise! After you review, of course. This is so pitiful, it's four in the morning, I haven't had sleep for three days, out of coffee. Thank god there is a spell check on this computer or it would probably look like the Greek language. I'm leaving now. no. wait for it. Ok. Now.  
  
Legolas: Lembassssss.  
  
Author: SHUT UP! I need coffee. 


	2. The gifts and and the mysterious cake

AERIS' BIRTHDAY PARTY!  
  
Author: Hello there, people! Yes, YOU! If you don't like cussing then go somewhere and cry about it, Cid's in this one kiddies! Oh yeah, and I've got 2 really wise words for you! MOO MOO! I crack when I hear those words. Especially when old people say it. yeah. Anyway, READ ON! I'll shut up now. Oh, and I don't own anyone except myself and Sephiroth's soul, Mwahahahah!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Aeris was again staring at her cake. She did not notice Sephiroth prancing about in the garden, picking flowers and placing some in his hair. He was obviously singing a happy little tune as he danced about gaily. It was when he was running around in circles making giggling sounds that Aeris looked out the window and noticed. He then began to sing the West Side Story song at the top of his lungs when she came out to see what the hell had happened to him. "I'M SO PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY, SO PRETTY AND WITTY AND FINE!!!!!"  
  
"What in holy hell are YOU doing?! Oh. I get, so Cloud was right, you really ARE gay." It was with those last few words from Aeris that Sephiroth stopped his singing and dancing.  
  
"No, I'm not gay. Can you not see it? I'm a changed man! No longer shall I slaughter hordes of somewhat innocent people that had no meaning in life in the first place! Or stalk the shadows to slit a passerby's throats of to obtain keys to a simple door that I could probably knock down with a single punch yet I choose to make it more fun with a few deaths! Or fly down like an angel of death upon beautiful women such as yourself with my Masamune, impaling them like a knife in butter only with blood spewing about the place! No longer am I the insane meglomaniacle fiend that takes pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than my own will, the rush of electricity through my being, the power of being godly! Dear gods! The Power!!! IT'S THE ONLY TIME IN WHICH I FEEL ALIVEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth howled with his arms raised in a 'I-am-godly-fear-me' sort of way. He finished with several tides of maniacal evil laughter. Aeris interrupted him by clearing her throat, causing Sephiroth to be brought back to the real world. "Eheheheh. Soooooo, now that I'm a changed man, that means I'm free to leave, right?  
  
"Ahahahah no. No, I don't think you are truly ready to be released into society." Aeris said before going into a mock delightful tone. "But, do you truly think I'm. beautiful?"  
  
"Err. Well, I guess soooo... Yes, yes you are! You're so hot, I would do you. Now am I free?!" His eyes were full of eagerness.  
  
"Oh Sephy!!! I love you too!" Aeris was crying out in more mock delight as she leapt into Sephiroth, knocking him to the ground, all the while grasping onto him. " Oh, we can get married, have lots and lots of children! Better yet, WE CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND FILL IT FULL OF OUR CHILDREN!!!!!!"  
  
"Are you serious, you want to take over the world with me?! Why the hell DID I kill you?! YES! NOW WE'RE TALKING!!! SEX, GODLY POWER, AND WORLD DOMINATION!!! Let us go and advance further in this evil plot!" Sephiroth shouted out loud as he picked himself up with Aeris in his arms. (He's still wearing the stripping cop costume.)  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!! TAKE YOUR OBSSESIVE DEMONIC HOBIES AND SHOVE IT!!!" A neighbor on the other side of Aeris' garden was heard screaming at them. A long silent moment passed with Sephiroth holding Aeris in his arms and them both staring at where the voice came from. 'Sweat drops.'  
  
"YOU'RE THE FIRST TO BE IN THE LINE OF THE SLAUGHTERING OF HUMANS!!!" Sephiroth screamed back. Aeris jumped out of his arms and produced her battle staff, only for it to collide up the side of Sephiroth's head. Sephiroth twitched on the ground in front of the convinced driven Aeris who then leaned on her staff.  
  
"I knew the whole 'I'm a changed man, I should be free' act was all put on as a last and desperate resort to escape my grasp. All I needed to do to prove my assumption was true was to put on the little act that would not even be turned down by you. HA! Like I would want to rule the world with a jerk like you!" Aeris said, kicking his arm harder than she meant to.  
  
"Y, you. are. purely evil. or good. aw, shit. Damn and I was so close." Sephiroth said, rubbing his face. " If you see any teeth, they're mine."  
  
"You didn't fool me for a second, and you're not missing any teeth. Although, you did make me think you were queer, that would have explain the Panteen Pro-V hair." Aeris said, stroking her staff unconsciously.  
  
"I. AM. NOT. GAY!!!" Sephiroth growled as he slowly sat up. She let out a sigh and cast Cure 2 on him. "You wanna go upstairs and see just how 'gay' I am?! When I finish doing you, you'd be coming back for more!  
  
"In your dreams and my nightmares!" Aeris' face went as red as her jacket before she slapped him.  
  
"What?! I'm just trying to prove I'm straight!" He whined, a bit disappointed with her rejection. Aeris only turned back towards the house and walked inside shaking her head in disgust. He yelled more after her." I'll even strip before you before the sex! Yeah, that's right! I'll give YOU a 'happy birthday present' that you'll never forget!"  
  
"You're so disgusting, you pervert!" Aeris screamed at him from within the house. "Don't make me use the shock collar!"  
  
"Whatever." Sephiroth muttered with a smug look plastered on his face. He too, went inside.  
  
Several minutes later within the house of Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
"Come ooon." Sephiroth pressured. "No" Aeris replied as she fixed dinner. "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No"  
  
"Damn it, YES!" Yelled a third voice from the bushes outside under the window. Aeris and Sephiroth looked at the window, then each other, and then back again. The bushes rustled slightly.  
  
"Shhh! I think they heard you! Yet another sin will be added upon my soul if they find us." Said another familiar yet daunting voice, a bit lower toned than the first.  
  
"Shit! Shut your own mother *$#^ing face, I'm *&%$#ing tired of hearing your damn melancholy shit!" the first voiced snapped back. A lighter could be heard snapping on then off and a few seconds later, cigarette smoke could be seen rising up from the bush. "Why the hell are we here again?"  
  
".To give Aeris her Birthday present!" the disconsolate voice whispered with a hint of annoyance. "It's quiet in there, too quiet.Hmm. I'll be sinning if do, so you take a peak and see if they ARE having sex."  
  
"WE AREN'T HAVING SEX!!! BOTH OF YOU, GET IN HERE NOW!" Aeris fumed, both Sephiroth and her heard everything the two had whispered. The bush rustled violently and the top of a blonde head and a raven-haired head could be seen bobbing outside of the window towards the front steps.  
  
"Dammit!" the blonde said. Smoke trailed behind his head from the cigarette.  
  
"I have sinned. when shall I atone?" the raven-haired one said.  
  
"And get rid of the cigarette, Cid." Aeris said in a calmer tone.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Once the door opened two tall men walked in holding a wrapped box each. The blonde one was putting out his cigarette on the back of other gloved hand that held a rectangle yellow box with white ribbon. He had a rugged look and was in his early thirties, though he seemed a bit older. He placed the half-used cigarette back into the pack latched to his head by his goggles for later use. He had two twelve packs of beer under both arms.  
  
"Hello Cid." Aeris greeted him with a warm smile. Though she knew, she pried at him with a conceited smile. "What brings you to the happy house of Aeris?"  
  
"What the @$^&? Happy House Of Aeris?! That makes it sound like you own some kinda (*&$ing cult that molests kids! Anyway, got you some damn crap for your birthday. We were the only @%#$ing ones that had the goddamned balls to bring you yer presents! All them damn pussies, spiky ass blonde shit wouldn't even show his little *$%$ing head. Holy hell! I'm ganna whoop their ass when get back." Cid continued to ramble on as threw the two twelve packs of beer and Aeris' present on the counter and went into the living room and sat on the couch. One of the packs was already open and the missing beer could be found in Cid's hand, who was busy chugging it down already. Aeris was the first to break the silence after the awkward moment.  
  
"Ooookay." Aeris said out loud, she turned to the other man that stood there silently with his usual blank expression, half-hidden by his blood- red collar of his and his black hair, woven under his headband. He wore attire of black and red with the exception of his golden claw arm on his left shoulder down and his deathly pale skin. His scarlet eyes didn't blink as Aeris stared at him for a while. "How are you Vincent?"  
  
"A day has not gone by without my black heart present. I apologize for my presence, it tends to bring nothing but sorrow and misery." Vincent answered with no hint of emotion in his voice. He was holding a small black box with blood-red ribbon and a black rose tied down by the ribbon. He held it up to Aeris. "This Pandora's box is for your date of birth into this cruel world."  
  
"Right. um, I thank you, Vincent. I'll open it with the other presents." Aeris said, taking his offered gift as well as Cid's and putting them next to her stairs next to the other gifts she had received from the other members of Avalanche in the mail. She looked back at Cid then Vincent, smiling. "Please, make yourself at home."  
  
Sephiroth had been leaning on the counter the whole time, observing the two men that helped Cloud fight against him back in the Crater a while back. He didn't like the one that cursed a lot, yet as for the other man. He was OK. But he hardly spoke to him. Aeris continued cooking while Cid cursed at the TV in the other room. Vincent walked over and sat on the stool at the counter, opposite side of Sephiroth. He looked at Sephiroth, and Sephiroth looked back. Vincent nodded in an emotionless greeting. Sephiroth did the same in return. Vincent raised an eyebrow when he studied what he was wearing.  
  
"If I may ask, why are you wearing that Sephiroth?" Vincent had a bit of enthusiasm in his voice that time he spoke.  
  
"Oh! He's my bitch. That's his stripping outfit." Aeris smiled with a few giggles. Sephiroth hung his head in shame and pouted silently.  
  
"..?!" Vincent stared at her with sheer disbelief, before trying to suppress his laughter, which caused Aeris to stare at him because he never laughed before. He quickly excused himself and went to the room where Cid was. Aeris and Sephiroth could both hear Cid burst into laughter as he rushed into the room with Vincent at his heels.  
  
"So, heheh, Sephiroth, is this your new job? Aeris' birthday party entertainer?" Cid asked before erupting into laughter. Vincent hid behind him snickering madly. Even Aeris couldn't hold it in any longer. Sephiroth stood there, using all his will power to not attack them and kill them all. Cid continued making fun of Sephiroth for several minutes as everyone laughed after each comment. "Hey, Oh mighty general, I like your hat!" He shook with rage when he turned to Aeris who had tears in her eyes from all the laughing.  
  
"Hey Aeris, make this guy shut up!" Sephiroth growled at the giggling girl. She couldn't stop laughing.  
  
"Hey Aeris, make this guy kiss my ass!" Cid said in response. Sephiroth threw up his hands and let out a howl of fury.  
  
"UHHG! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!" Sephiroth said before he ran off crying, which only caused more tides of laughter.  
  
"Would you two like to stay for dinner and some cake?" Aeris asked once the laughter died down.  
  
"Well, I do not-" Vincent began but Cid cut him off.  
  
"Yeah! I want some damn cake, looks good. Could I also make some tea?" Cid said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: Hello there again, how are you? I'm fine, thank you for asking. Why of course I would like some tea and candy, why thank you.  
  
Legolas: Why is she talking to herself?  
  
Sephiroth: She's not, she's talking to the people out there. I hope.  
  
Link: What people?  
  
Kuja: Why the bloody hell are we here again? Oh, and by the way, I like the both of your hair.  
  
Sephiroth and Legolas: (fumbles with their hair at the same time) thank you.  
  
Kain: I like blood.  
  
Author: You really do like my fanfic? Why I am ecstatic to hear that, thank you.  
  
Link: . There is no one out there, Miss Aeris.  
  
Vincent: I think she lost it.  
  
Kain: I'm thirsty, where's blood. Someone gimme blood.  
  
Kuja: I chipped a nail (sniffles)  
  
Legolas: Fate is so cruel.  
  
Vincent: That's my line, elf boy.  
  
Sephiroth: At least we have our own cage now.  
  
Kain: blood.  
  
Author: Maybe I should let people ask questions of my little specimens- I mean friends.  
  
Vincent: She sorta reminds me of Hojo (cringes)  
  
Kain: Blood.  
  
Dante: I want to say something cool.  
  
Author: Yes I shall. Allrighty then! People can send in questions for any one of my (kidnapped against their will and caged up in my miscellaneously located evil castle) hot, and/or, pretty guys: Sephiroth (FF7), Vincent (FF7), Kain (Blood Omen 2), Link (Zelda), Dante (Devil May Cry), Kuja (FF9), or Legolas (Lord of the Rings) I've got more down in the dungeon but they're not worth mentioning. So like, email me at: thehotmageaeris@hotmail.com or just click that pretty button on the very bottom and review the questions. I like questions.  
  
Kain: Blood!  
  
Legolas: . 'the hot mage Aeris?' What the crap is that?  
  
Author: Yes, Kain. I'll give you blood. later tonight. Mwahahahaha! And Legolas watch it, or you don't get any lembas bread!  
  
Dante: Let's rock baby! (Poses dramatically)  
  
Author: Ooookay! Anywho. I'll need 5 more reviews! I'll be back. (Goes out and burns down the nearest Safeway.) They said it was my store and I hated it. Okay! Who's up for strip poker?  
  
All: ME! 


	3. The REAL chapter on gifts and mysterious...

CHAPTER 3. I think. Yeah, chapter 3.  
  
Author: Hey there peoples. Thank you for the reviews and flame. . I am sorry that I enjoy being insane and have Sephiroth as my pet.  
  
Sephiroth: No you're not.  
  
Author: DON'T HATE ME DARK-SEPHY! I'd also like to say, MOO MOO! I spent the last 20 hours watching anime. VAMPIRE HUNTER D BLOODLUST, TRIGUN, AND EVANGELIAN KICK ASS! Any cookies? I don't blame sugar for my insane ranting, I blame the homicidal childhood I endured, the endless hours of playing Final Fantasy Everything, and my cat; Sephiroth Shakespearean the 3rd. He likes to stare at me when I dress. it's quite creepy.  
  
Legolas: That IS creepy.  
  
Sephiroth: (Whispering to Legolas) What she doesn't know is that I'M really watching her through the eyes of the cat. Heheheh.  
  
Kuja: Oooh! How naughty of you, Sephy!  
  
Sephiroth: .don't. ever. call me that, that name!  
  
Dante: Let's rock, baby.  
  
Link: You need to find something else to say, you've been saying that for the past two days.  
  
Dante: Nature calls? It's in the back.  
  
Link: .  
  
Vincent: .  
  
Kain: I now have the sudden urge to kill something.  
  
Legolas: Let's not keep the good people waiting. I think they want to read now.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
Aeris was the last to sit down at the dinner table. Vincent sat quietly to her left, staring at his empty plate. Cid sat there waiting impatiently to dig into the steaming good food before him. A sulking Sephiroth glared at each one of them to Aeris' right. Aeris looked at each of them and smiled. "Dig in!"  
  
Cid didn't hesitate to fill his plate and shove his face with food after the cue. Vincent and Sephiroth reluctantly placed about a spoon full of everything. Aeris had a helping of everything as well. Aeris and Vincent ate slowly and courteously. Sephiroth had begun that way but ended up eating like Cid as well, he hated to admit he loved Aeris' food.  
  
Once the two animals, Vincent and Aeris finished eating, they were gathered around the presents in the living room. Aeris was jumping up and down in pure bliss. "PRESENTS!"  
  
"Quit it, yer scaring the shit out a me. Here, open my damn present." Cid said chucking the present at her, which hit her and knocked her over. "I don't know if yer ganna like it but I don't give a rats ass! It's about (*%$ing time you grew up!"  
  
After recovering her poise, she sat on her couch and looked at her gift. There was a small card with writing that resembled child scribble. It read 'Happy damn birthday. From Cid.' She untied the bow and ripped off the paper carefully. Everyone seemed to lean closer when she opened the box. Aeris' eyes widened and her face went crimson when she realized what its contents actually were. She promptly closed the box again and looked at Cid in absolute shock, who was cracking up in his seat. She grabbed one of the couch cushions and went over to smother him half-playfully to rid herself of embarrassment.  
  
"What did you receive?" Sephiroth asked curiously.  
  
"Take a peek!" Cid yelled over Aeris' shoulder as he tried to fend off her pillow attack.  
  
"NO!" Aeris cried as Sephiroth opened the box and began shuffling through it, laughing. Vincent took a peek as well. They both were chuckling when Aeris came to attack them as well with the cushion.  
  
"What have we here? Naughty magazines for girls. A few naughty, wow, and I mean NAUGHTY movies. A 'how-to' movie on sex for beginners. " Sephiroth began as he opened one of the magazines, Vincent stared at them as well over his shoulder. Both their jaws went slack and Sephiroth tilted the magazine at different angles, studying it with great care as Aeris beat their heads with the cushion. " Holy crap! How can they get in that position? I'd like to try that later. Hey Aeris. I'll watch these with you, whenever you want."  
  
"How could you, Cid?! This is so. so. What's the word.? VILE! I can't believe you are that sick!" Aeris cried with her face still red. " And you! Sephiroth! Don't make me hurt you!"  
  
"Hey, you told me you are a @^%$ing virgin! Now that you've got that damn man around, you two might #%&*ing get along and decide to get it on! And since you don't &$#ing know what to $#%&$ing do, call em. instruction manuals!" Cid said with great amusement. Sephiroth had a smug look on his face from Aeris' facial expression.  
  
"Don't worry about it, just forget about them Aeris," Sephiroth began, Aeris was about to thank him for his kindness but didn't when he finished. " You don't need them, I've got all the moves right here."  
  
Once they all calmed down, and attended to the new wounds on Sephiroth's head, it was Vincent's turn to give her his gift. His handwriting was quite neat and cursive on his little card next to the black rose, reading; 'I wish you the finest day, though fate likes to come and take it away.' Aeris smiled nervously at the card and opened the small box. Within it there was a beautiful gothic pendant choker and a small perfume bottle. Aeris gasped and smiled as she took off her old necklace and put on the choker then applied the sweet perfume. Once finished, she jumped up and hugged Vincent tightly and thanked him. Hesitantly, he returned the embrace.  
  
Aeris continued to open her gifts from the other members of Avalanche and friends as well. From Tifa, she got a make up kit and ribbons. From Red XIII, she received several books on nature. From Yuffie, she got materia. that had been taken from her dead body after she was killed and before they chucked her into the lake. Anyway. From Cait Sith or Reeve, she received a stuffed version of Cait. From her mother, who now lived in Kalm, she got gil to buy anything she wanted like she usually always got from her. From Barrette, she received a pretty wooden jewelry box. As for Cloud, he sent her a lovely necklace as well, along with a dagger and a note attached, reading; 'in case he pisses you off, or just in case your bored, your friend Cloud.' Everyone, except Sephiroth who became enraged, laughed at the little joke. When she finished opening her gifts they went back to the kitchen to eat the cake.  
  
"Okay, light the damn thing and make a pretty little wish so we can eat it already!" Cid asserted once they sat down.  
  
"Now, the pink stone things are only decoration. Don't eat them unless you want to gag in the most unpleasant way because they get stuck in your throat. Sephy? Would you be so kind as to light the candle?" Aeris asked sweetly and innocently. Sephiroth glared at her yet reluctantly lit it with a lighter. This was Aeris' favorite part of her birthdays, the wishes. It was like a praying for something special. which usually never happens, but it is the thought that counts. well sort of, I guess. The birthday girl looked at her cake with the single candle burning brightly surrounded by a ring of pink gems. Aeris closed her eyes and began her wish.  
  
'Hmm, what to wish for. I got it!' Aeris thought of what to wish for with her eyes held tightly shut, but unbeknown to her, the gems upon the cake began to shimmer ever so slightly. 'I wish to meet a guy that I could get to know well and cope with. One that's noble. one that's pleasing to the eyes. one that's strong. one that's good-hearted. one that's pretty much, and overall unique! Yes! I'd like that.'  
  
"Come on, I would like to *$%@ing eat some-" Cid began to grumble under his breath when the six gems glowed fiery pink. "What the hell?"  
  
Aeris opened here eyes and looked at her cake, the gems were shining brilliantly. She gasped half in shock of it glowing and half at how beautiful it looked. Everyone stared at it. Vincent and Cid prepared for a battle like always when something unexpected occurred. "For Pete sake's, it's only a cake! It's not going to attack." Aeris stopped them from destroying her cake, they put away their weapons. Sephiroth took the opportunity of swiping some frosting off the side of the cake with his finger while everyone else was trying to figure out what was happening. The gems gave a final burst of blinding light and disappeared. Five of the six gems were gone, the last one remained in it place where the circle had been. Everyone stared at the cake some more.  
  
"WHAT THE *$^% JUST HAPPENED?!" Cid exclaimed, looking at everyone else.  
  
"I don't know, but the gems began to glow after I made my wish and then disappeared! What if comes true?! OH MY GOD! COOLNESS!!!" Aeris said excitedly.  
  
"What did you wish for?" the three men asked in union, a bit frightened of the answer.  
  
"Nuh, uh! I can't tell you, or it won't come true!" Aeris said shaking her head. She picked up the last stone and observed it carefully. 'But why did it use five gems and left one behind?' She placed it in her pocket.  
  
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.  
  
(star wars music begins) Darth Vador: Luke, I am your father.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: No, not THAT far. (Lord of the Rings music starts playing) Ok, here we go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A tall and 'noble' man. er, elf, walks up to greet his comrades after killing almost all the orcs that had attacked them. Everyone is just standing there all happy.  
  
"ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off." Frodo said as he disappeared and then reappeared over and over. Frodo had been entertaining himself with the gold ring, the one ring to RULE THEM ALL!  
  
"Bless me little hobbit feet, mister Frodo. Mister Legolas killed them all with the help of the dwarf, Aragorn and Boromir, who is now dead over there in the background (camera goes over to a dead body with several dozen arrows sticking out of it) and with no help from us hobbits. Oh and little Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped by some freakishly large orcs, I'm so happy." Sam said.  
  
"I'm not quite dead." Boromir's voice could be heard.  
  
"I guess he's not dead, Sam." Frodo said.  
  
"Oh, rubbish, of course he's dead mister Frodo!" Sam protested, ignoring Frodo.  
  
"I think I'm getting better!" Boromir said.  
  
"No your not, you'll be dead in a few minutes." Sam said.  
  
"No, I think I can pull through." Boromir said as they loaded him onto the elven boat.  
  
"Farewell, brave Boromir! We shall all remember you!" Aragorn said as the boat floated down towards the water fall. Frodo got on another boat. Sam tried to swim for him.  
  
"Go away Sam, I don't like you any more. I want to throw the ring in myself!" Frodo whined. Boromir could be heard screaming down the waterfall, no one noticed.  
  
"'Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee,' and I don't intend to. I promished and a promish is a promish" Sam said spewing water everywhere with a lisp once he was in the boat. " and I love you mister Frodo!"  
  
"Oh Sam!" They started hugging in the boat as they too began to float towards the waterfall. "I love you too!"  
  
".Should we warn them?" Gimli asks. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all looked at each other.  
  
"Nah!" The three said as they walked away from the shore.  
  
"Let's hunt some orc! Then we can go to the Prancing Pony and get drunk with the women!" Aragorn said. They began to prance off into the woods. Legolas was wondering when he'd be able to take a bath since he fought with all the dirty orcs and got blood all over himself, especially in his beautiful locks, until he noticed a hut with a door that said 'showers.' He was thrilled with it and stopped in front of the hut, Aragorn and Gimli went on ahead unaware that Legolas had stopped.  
  
"Oh goody! Now I can clean my hair!" Legolas said in pure bliss as he opened the door. The inside looked strange to him (but to us, It'd look like your average clean home bathroom with the exception that this bathroom also had the laundry washer and dryer to save space.) Legolas stripped (oooooh, yeah!) and jumped into the shower which had bottles of Pantene Pro- V shampoo and conditioner and soap on the selves. He cleaned himself up. Since he didn't know how to use the washer and dryer, nor did he know what they were for, he washed his clothes in the shower and hung them up to dry.  
  
Back in Aeris' living room.  
  
Aeris, Sephiroth, Cid and Vincent sat staring at each other for about ten minutes so far since the gems did their little trick.  
  
"Can I have some damn cake now?" Cid asked timidly.  
  
"Well, I guess nothing happened. Fine, I'll get the plates." Aeris said as she got up.  
  
"YES!" Cid howled jumping up and down. Sephiroth got up to leave but Aeris stepped in front of him.  
  
"And where do you think your going? I guess you don't like my cake after all, do you?" Aeris pouted.  
  
"I do want cake, but I need to go to the bathroom, if that's ok with you." He said impatiently.  
  
"You know where it is. But hurry or Cid will eat your piece of the cake." Aeris told him, pulling the dishes from their selves.  
  
Sephiroth went down the hall to the bathroom and opened the door. Steam came out of the bathroom while Sephiroth was shocked to find a tall, much like himself, man with pointy ears standing in the middle of the room half naked with a towel around his waist signifying that he just got out of the shower. Both men stared at each other for several seconds.  
  
"DO YOU MIND?!" The man exclaimed finally, extremely annoyed. Sephiroth stood there for several more seconds before turning around and shutting the door. He ran back downstairs and over to Aeris who was dishing out cake.  
  
"Aeris, some guy with long blonde hair, well not as long as mine, is in your bathroom. I think he took a shower too. Where am I ganna pee now?!" Sephiroth whined as he was jumping up and down impatiently.  
  
"What?! Someone's in my house?!" Aeris straitened herself with an angered face. "You can use the bathroom that's in my room, it's the door is next to my closet. Don't make a mess. Cid, Vincent, would you mind coming with me to see who this person is?"  
  
"Aw, but I just started my %#$^ing cake!" Cid whined as he stood. Sephiroth had already left for the bathroom.  
  
Before they turned to go down the hall, a tall man in damp green clothes ran out with a serious and confused look on his face ran out of the hall. "What kind of wizardry is this?! Where am I?!"  
  
"Who the ^*&# are you?!" Cid yelled at him as he pulled out his Venus Gospel. Vincent stood silently with his Death Penalty. And as for Aeris, she stood there drooling and holding her blushing face.  
  
"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. And who are you? And where am I?" Legolas asked scratching his head in confusion.  
  
"Prince?! Shit, that makes me Sephiroth!" Cid said sarcastically.  
  
"Hey! I'm Sephiroth!" Sephiroth yelled as he came running downstairs.  
  
"Did you flush? Did you make a mess? Did you wash you hands?" Aeris asked after snapping back from staring at the bewildered prince.  
  
"Yes. No. And Yes. So who is he?" Sephiroth asked.  
  
"I am Legolas Greenleaf." Legolas said, rather annoyed. "And I AM the Prince of Mirkwood!"  
  
"Oh, I bet you are a prince! You can't be that handsome and not be. I'm Aeris, this is my house, make yourself at home." Aeris smiled, holding out her hand to shake his while staring at him.  
  
"Thank you for your hospitality." Legolas replied as he took her hand, bent down and gently kissed it. Aeris had stars in her eyes and was frozen with glee. "But I really must find my way back to where I was."  
  
"Must you leave so soon? Please, sit down and have some tea, and maybe some cake, would you like that?" Aeris asked trying to find an excuse for him not to leave. Legolas sat down where Aeris had motioned.  
  
"I wouldn't mind some tea." Legolas smiled politely which made Aeris' heart melt before she ran to the kitchen. Sephiroth saw this and glared at the sitting stranger and followed Aeris.  
  
"Yes! My wish DID come true! Whee!" She squealed quietly in joy when she went into the kitchen. She skipped around and did a victory dance while Sephiroth stood behind her. "Score for me!"  
  
"What the hell was all that about?! Was having some naked idiot claiming to be a prince in your bathroom your wish?" He asked when she realized he had heard her. She blushed violently when she faced him.  
  
"No. That's not how I wish him here, I only asked for a guy." Aeris replied.  
  
"Wha-." Sephiroth stopped himself just in time and blushed slightly. 'What about the guy standing before you?' would have came out, if he had known she wouldn't laugh. He left the room, not wanting to show his pride was hurt.  
  
Aeris' blinked. 'Was it something I said?'  
  
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy not so far away.  
  
Two black mages were standing next to the Hilda Garde 1 chatting with one another. One threw up his arms in frustration. "I swear! If I have to watch Glitter one more time, I'm throwing every one of his Hello Kitty merchandises overboard!"  
  
"Dear Gods! I know, and have you seen that one room on board? I had no idea they made that many Justin Timberlake posters!" the second black mage said. They shut up once a man who was disturbingly 'pleasing to the eyes' walked off the air ship, stopping to flick back a few tresses of hair with his manicured nails. The pretty man walked over to the two black mages.  
  
"Hello boys! How is everything at my fabulous desert palace?" The man asked with a musical tone.  
  
"Everything's fine, Kuja! Sir? If I may say so, I'm not a boy. I'm a girl." The second black mage replied.  
  
". oh, whatever. Prepare to leave in five minutes, we'll be going off again to meet my little snot-nosed punk of a brother, his role in my play is soon to be over." Kuja said, as he walked back into the airship. A few minutes later, he ran back out and past the bewildered black mages. " I almost left my Mister Snuggles!"  
  
He ran down to his teleporting pad and jumped on. Within seconds he was in his room, he franticly ran over and grabbed the stuffed moogle before giving it a fierce embrace. 'Now to get back to the Hilda Garde. I'm so happy I had a paint job on that thing, now it matches my manicure!' Kuja said to himself gleefully. He lightly skipped over to the transporter and stepped on it. He was beamed out of the room within seconds.  
  
Back in Aeris' living room, again.  
  
"This cake is delicious," Legolas was eating the chocolate cake with Aeris, Vincent and Cid. Sephiroth had finished his and was outside in Aeris' garden.  
  
"Thank you, so you're an elf from the land middle earth and you don't know how you got here?" Aeris asked making sure she understood his story correctly. He nodded as he chewed. "Are all guy elves as handsome as you?"  
  
"I don't know. My race is considered beautiful compared to humans." He replied after he swallowed. Cid was too busy shoveling cake into his face while Vincent rolled his eyes. "A you a human?"  
  
"No and yes, I'm half. The other half is of Cetra. It's an ancient race." Aeris explained. Not a moment later, a man materialized behind the couch Aeris and Legolas sat, holding a stuffed moogle and a facial expression that read 'what the hell'. Cid noticed him first and choked on the cake from surprise. Everyone turned to see a man wearing the weirdest robes that were probably made for a woman. Well, he looked like a woman, since he was wearing make up and, er, a thong. The man looked around, startled and confused.  
  
"WTF'S GOING ON HERE?!" Cid shouted.  
  
"Who's he?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yeah, what's your damn name, little girl?" Cid asked, trying to ward off a headache by rubbing his temples. The man was even more shocked and this time angry.  
  
"Hold your tongue, old man! I'm not a little girl, I am a grown man! I am the great sorcerer Kuja! I should kill you where you stand, but first I demand to know where I am and how I got here!" Kuja yelled, his voice truly distinguished his gender. Cid giggled after Kuja said he was a grown man. "What is so funny!"  
  
"You don't really have the right to yell at him for that, if you don't want people to contradict you on what you're wearing, don't wear it." Aeris said, annoyed with his appearance already.  
  
"You can't get back to your own world, either?" Legolas asked meekly.  
  
"No! Isn't it obvious?" Kuja exclaimed, throwing his hands and moogle in the air.  
  
"What's all the racket?" Sephiroth asked as he walked back in with a bouquet of hand picked flowers behind his back. He noticed Kuja standing behind Aeris and Legolas. "Now who's this chick?"  
  
"I AM A MAN! And my name is Kuja." The Sorcerer replied. "And I still don't know where I am! Is this not Gaia? I know it's not Terra."  
  
"You're in Midgar, and this is my house, I have never heard of Gaia. Or Terra." Aeris muttered, wondering why a cross dresser was behind her. Kuja hung his head. "I'm sorry. And I wouldn't suggest trying to go outside and attempting to find your way around in what's left of this city. (After Meteor, she came back and repaired the damage to her house with the help of the others in Avalanche.) Especially while wearing that. The goons here are reckless."  
  
"I'm a Sorcerer." Kuja protested. "I can protect myself! I am a grown man, do you not understand?"  
  
"Whatever. I do like your hair though, how do you get it so fluffy?" Aeris asked. All the men except Kuja, who raised his brow and smiled conceitedly, rolled their eyes.  
  
"Thank you. I have a special hair iron that lets you work with your hair without britaling it and makes it soft and fluffy." Kuja answered happy she was interested. The other guys, however, couldn't be more sickened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author: Well that takes care of two of em. three more to go.  
  
Kuja: I'm so happy that you like my hair. Hug me!  
  
Author: (Hugs) Well, let's moo, moo. I mean move to onto the questions.  
  
Legolas: Oh gods.  
  
Sephiroth: We're not worthy!  
  
Kain: Kill!  
  
Dante: Demon!  
  
Kain: KILL!  
  
Dante: DEMON! (Kain and Dante attack each other)  
  
Author: Even though I support meaningless violence, we need to get to the questions boys.  
  
Link: Where's all the love in this world?  
  
Author: It's in my room. twenty bucks on Dante!  
  
Vincent: You're on.  
  
Author: Back to the QUESTIONS! Now. I am disappointed with the lack of questions. Should I add some lemony goodness to spice things up? Well this first one's from Dudeman, yeah;  
  
Dudeman: Yes that was correct i loved it but where's cloud and Tifa Its very funny dude you rule uh one question do you think Aries is hot too?  
  
Author: I'm a chick, and I AM Aeris. But if I were a guy and I met myself in my hot bod, yeah, I'd do me.  
  
Dante: I'm getting turned on.  
  
Kuja: ME TOO!  
  
Author's friend Elisha: I have a napkin. and I like pie. EVIL PIE!!!!  
  
Link: How about giving us a show Aeris!  
  
Author: (SMACK) oh, this is my friend Elisha. She is an escaped convict from the local asylum, she is a REAL person and is actually here, molesting my pets and groping them.  
  
Link: Yeah that was uncalled for, I'm going to punish myself now, I'm so mean, I just cant stand being myself anymore. (Sob) please FORGIVE me Aeris!  
  
Elisha: I smell something foul.  
  
Vincent: That would be the corpse Chaos dragged in.  
  
Author: Yes. I think I'm hot. Wouldn't you agree Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth: Can I have Evil Pie?  
  
Elisha: NO, I'TS MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!!! (Runs off with Vincent and pie)  
  
Author: Hey! He's my pet right now Elisha, Auron is in the dungeon though, go have fun with him. Or I'll snap your bra.  
  
Elisha: Oh Aeris. don't tempt me, you know how I feel about you. Pie day, self control. Don't you eat this pie!  
  
Dante: SWEET! Lesbian action! This is better than pay-per-view.  
  
Legolas: hmmm. Piiiiieeeeee..  
  
Kuja: unick is about what this is ganna being like. I like high heels.  
  
Author: I'm so confused right now. Let us move on to the next question. It's from Kitsunedemon.  
  
Kitsunedemon: o yay!! i like ur story its VERY entertaining wit Cid n Sephiroth hehehehe. OK well i have a question for Sephiroth. OK Sephiroth 1st: Where do u still sort of like cloud or do u hate or maybe somewhat admire him cause of all the crap that he puts up wit from Aeris?? if so do u think that u could set me n cloud up sumtime?  
  
Author: Can't make. out. words. OK.  
  
Elisha: I can! S/he speaks idiot just like me!  
  
Author: That is rude. Now s/he won't read my story anymore.  
  
Sephiroth: I do admire him for putting up with Aeris' crap, because I sure as hell can't. Other than that, I have to say he's a bit too queer to be friends with. For gods' sakes he cross dresses and shaves his legs. And he did kill me.  
  
Author: Smoooooooooth. Shiny thighs. I am not full of crap.  
  
Elisha: Anybody got whip cream? I have the sudden urge to take an edible bath with Tseng in a schoolgirls uniform.  
  
Author: Ohhh, I wanna come!  
  
Kain: I want to talk. KILL!  
  
Dante: DEMON! (Goes and attacks Kain)  
  
Legolas: I'm leaving now.  
  
Kuja: I want to be in the whip cream bath too!  
  
Elisha: Come Kuja, I welcome you!  
  
Vincent: I FEEL SO VIOLATED! (Vincent's being groped by Elisha)  
  
Link: When will this end.  
  
Author: Right now. 


	4. Naughty vampire and formal general

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
Quote of the week: (To Vincent) I have no clue why I stole you from that woman but mate with these people and I will give you dollar. - SirLief  
  
Vincent: You know, I am quiet and twisted and dark because of that alone...  
  
Link: We're the Shroom Fairies. You build it. We'll make a circle around it. And dance.  
  
Author: Link went a bit insane from the wait to come into the fic, my gods, and the poor chickens.  
  
Link: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Runs around insanely with as many chickens that can be stuffed in his tunic)  
  
Kain: KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (Runs after him with his Soul Reaver)  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up! Both of you! Or there will be hell to pay. And you can tell those Shroom Fairies to go to hell!  
  
Legolas: They're not listening.  
  
Vincent: Oh, he'll make them listen.  
  
Several minutes later...  
  
Vincent: (looks at the badly beaten bodies of Link and Kain) I told you...  
  
Sephiroth: (quickly tried to get rid of a large steel pipe he happened to be holding, then runs off)  
  
Dante: Hey, where'd Aeris/Author go. And where'd Sephiroth go...?! Lucky bastard...  
  
Kuja: Even I'm jealous.  
  
Dante: Why the hell would you be jealous? You're gay.  
  
Kuja: I am not! I just have more fashion sense than all of you!  
  
Dante: Well you can go wax your ass because I don't give a damn.  
  
Link: (still dazed) When I grow up I want to be a cherry pie!  
  
Author: (pops up out of no where) I know Link, I know... I'm ganna have to change this to rated R, I just know it... Well anyways folks, I know some of you wanted the 'love in unusual places' updated, but I haven't gotten around to it. No, I lied. I've been having too many ideas for 'Aeris' birthday gone wild'. I'm sorry. Hook me up for any ideas for the 'love in unusual places'; I pretty much have the plot worked out, it's just I'm bored with it. Give me something that will inspire me.  
  
Sephiroth: So I get to have lemons with Aeris/you in this, right? LEMON!  
  
Vincent: ... (Silently cheering for the lemon in his twisted little mind)  
  
All the Guys: LEMON!!!  
  
Author: pthbbb.. Men! This is why I'm not a people person. AHHHH! (The guys all dog pile on her)  
  
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Four hundred years after the nobleman Kain Was cursed to walk the night as a vampire And centuries before Kain would rule the Wasteland of Nosgoth with his lieutenant Raziel His path of conquest is stopped by a new enemy The pillars of Nosgoth lie in ruin Vampires roam the land once again And the legacy of Kain continues (dum dum dummmmm! heheheh. Sorry.)  
  
The body of the former nobleman, Kain, lay upon a bed in a semi dark room. Only a candle threw light into the darkness. The 'strong' vampire began to stir in his sleep, all the while snoring. He mumbles in his sleep, ".... Mmmm, bunnies... nnumoomoo, KEABLER ELVES! Unnnchhh..." But soon, he began to awaken, after two hundred years.  
  
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Author: So sorry to interrupt, I'd just like to say that I am up and its three A.M. and my window is stuck open and I'M HEARING GOD DAMNED COWS MOOING!!!!!!!! THEY WON'T SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! THE HORROR OF LOSING MY OWN SANITY!!! I FEEL LIKE GOING OUT THERE AND EMPTYING SEVERAL ROUNDS OF AMUNITION INTO THOSE BASTARDS!!!!! But that would go against my code of ethics, since I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. And for reasons I won't state now, I might add. So please, just hug whatever is closest to you right now; your cat, your computer, maybe your extensive Manga collection of Lupon the third... because I have a gun in my hands right now and I just don't know what to do with it. Thank you for your time. Enjoy the rest of this chapter. - Aeris  
  
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Like many of us, he first begins his awakening with mumbling useless crap through our mind. 'From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake and more revoltingly... alive. It was then I realized for the first time I had the LARGEST F*%$ING HANGOVER EVER THOUGHT TO OF HAD IN EONS!!!' He grasped his head in pain as he slowly sat up, and keeping his balance as well. He turned towards the entrance of the room and saw a scantly clad woman leaning up against the doorframe.  
  
"Good evening. We did not expect you to awaken so soon. Already you surprise us." The woman said with a grin, Kain had to squint at her to determine what she was.  
  
'My mind was in fragments, like I just got totally wasted' Kain notified her right away. "Crap, so are you a hooker I brought back here and forgot to pay? Because I think I was drunk and I don't have any money. Where am I? I.. I Don't remember..."  
  
The woman got really mad at his words. "Yes, it was said your memory would be affected by your long slumber after fainting from practically drinking a ton of Everclear and blood. That will pass, in time, lots of time. But I'm not a damn whore, I am Umah and I am here to help you. Know that your name is Kain and you were once a power in the land." Kain rose from his bed onto his feet, though it was hell for him to stable himself; everything was still dizzy for him.  
  
"God Damn it! By now you should be sober enough to kick some Sarafan ass! Quit &#%#ing around and listen! Do you know your nature?" Umah was now flustered beyond repair.  
  
"OH! I know this one! Uhhhh, BUNNIES! And Uhh, muffins." Kain said poking at the air. Umah slapped him.  
  
"BLOOD! You idiot! Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT." Umah yelled at him. Kain just stared at her for several minutes while she glared back.  
  
Finally he reached up and groped her breasts. "Are these real?" Before he knew it, Umah was beating him over the head with a chair from close by. She left his beaten body and slammed the door.  
  
Several days later.  
  
Kain awoke in the same room, unaware of what he had committed before his second sleep. The only thing that filled his mind was 'Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT!' They kept going through his head, over and over like a broken record. But he didn't care, he was hungry and he knew blood was his only food. He smiled, showing off his sharp canine teeth, at that word; blood. He picked himself off the floor and walked over to a curtain-drawn window and looked out the window. It was night in a city of sorts. Meridian was the city's name. Well, that was good enough for him. He couldn't care less how or when he got there or even why he was there. He just wanted to drain the fluids out of the closest thing alive.  
  
He reach for the door handle and flipped open the door to find no slums of a city but a strange room with larger bed than the one in his room and much more material possessions along the wall or on the floor. It seemed to be the bedroom of a woman, not a very casual woman either. Kain decided that the only way of getting out of the bedroom he was in was to go into and then out of this one. So he stepped in and looked around some more. The door shut behind him, causing him to spin around in surprise and open it again. But instead of the room he was in, it was a different room with marble fixtures and a marble tub; a really nice bathroom in other words. This baffled him beyond comprehension as he opened and closed the door repeatedly to see if it would go back to the former room he cam from. There was a door to the right of the bathroom so he decided to try that one instead. Yet it was only a closet.  
  
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Author: again, I must intrude. A wise saying must be put in here at this moment.  
  
"She turned me into a newt," a villager said. "A newt?" There was a slight hesitation from the villager before he said, "Well, I got better." "Burn her anyway!" cried the villagers.  
  
Author: Now that I got that out of my system, I shall continue... Oh, and there will be a bit of fluff stuff down here so be warned!  
  
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Kain didn't have much time to contemplate what was going on much longer when he heard voices approaching the third half open door across the room that led into a hall. He could tell it was the voice of a female and quickly hid in the closet and left it open slightly so he could see his next victim.  
  
A woman in pink stormed into the room muttering curses under her breath as she went over to her mirror on her wall. There was a nasty stain from a dark liquid, presumably from a drink she had spilled upon herself. Kain was trying to decide when to attack and drink her blood until she began to undress. He watched tentatively as she carefully undid each button from top to bottom on her pink apparel and slid it off of her shoulders and onto the floor, revealing a slender beautiful frame, curving at just the right place that began to excite Kain. He began to reconsider killing her for food and trying something else he had in mind. (You KNOW what I'm talking about)  
  
Five Minutes Earlier...  
  
Kuja was sitting on the sofa drinking tea next to Aeris and Legolas while the three other men were too busy playing poker. Aeris, who was between the two new strangers, watched the boys play as they drank beer. She herself and Legolas also had tea while they sat on the coach, silently. Cid was conversing with Sephiroth and somehow, they got Vincent to drink beer. Cid turned around in his chair to Kuja.  
  
"Hey you little fag! Do you wanna *(%$ing play?" Cid scoffed making Kuja frown.  
  
"Guys. don't start again." Aeris warned.  
  
"I told you, ignorant human, that I do not know your childish card tricks!" Kuja sneered back.  
  
"Your such a damn pussy! Get over here and I might $%^&ing teach you!" Cid yelled as he picked up a pillow and flung it at him, forgetting he was holding a cup of tea, which ended up onto Aeris' dress. Aeris' mouth hung in sheer disbelief as she stared at her now stained dress, the tea also soaked in and wet Aeris' skin uncomfortably. Everyone went silent and stared at Aeris' dress.  
  
"CID! DAMN IT! I just had this cleaned too! I TOLD YOU TO SETTLE DOWN, DIDN'T I?!" Aeris fumed as she got off the couch and glared at him. She marched over towards the stairs and stopped.  
  
"Oh my." Kuja muttered.  
  
"I want you all to behave! And I mean it! Someone clean up that mess while I take shower!" Aeris ranted before heading up the stairs. Once she was out of sight Cid got a towel and looked at Kuja and then Legolas.  
  
"What the hell are you looking at?! Drink your god damned tea!" He swaggered before cleaning up the tea.  
  
Sephiroth took this opportunity to sneak upstairs towards Aeris' room. No one but Vincent noticed his absence. Vincent could see him with the bouquet of flowers he had picked for her earlier as he slipped upstairs slyly.  
  
Meanwhile, Upstairs..  
  
"I swear they act like five year olds!" Aeris mumbled as she slid off her dress and laid it upon her bed. She walked back over to her dresser and stared at herself in the mirror as she removed her jewelry and hair ties. Her chestnut hair tumbled down her back, wavy from being in a braid all day. She stared at her frown in the mirror, creating a sigh of weariness. She took several calming breaths before humming a soft melody. She grabbed a towel and headed to her bathroom. Aeris however, forgot to close the door before continuing to dress down for her shower.  
  
In the Closet..  
  
Kain watched as the woman approached his hiding place before grabbing a towel. His black heart raced with pure excitement as the beautiful woman, adorned in only her underwear and bra, made her way into the room he formally came from. He could hear water flow from the room that had the marble tub, he cringed at the remembrance of what water did to his kind; it was like acid to vampires. He was about to open the closet fully until he saw a tall man stick his head in nervously. The male looked quite similar to himself; he had long flaxen hair like his with one exception, he had bangs. He too was quite strong looking. The only thing different besides the bangs was his eyes and skin tone, unlike the vampires; the man had emerald eyes and darker skin. He was holding flowers in one hand.  
  
Sephiroth walked in prudently, making sure Aeris was not in sight, and walked over to her neatly made queen sized bed. He noted the dress she had worn with the stain from earlier. He could hear that the water was running in the bathroom, and steam floating out of the half-opened doorway. He placed the flowers on her dress and turned to leave yet began to hear an alluring song that you would think could only be heard from a siren. It was harmonious and gentle to the ears, causing Sephiroth to unconsciously step towards the bathroom with every note he heard. Curiosity struck him as he wondered what has always under that elegant gentle pink dress of hers. His heart was pounding as if it were to protrude out of his chest and he gulped down the lump in his throat as he watered at the mouth. Her singing deluded his position and he couldn't care less.  
  
He peered slowly about the door and stared towards the bathtub Aeris stood in, cleansing her body gingerly, unaware of his presence. Only a semi transparent curtain was the only thing that blocked Sephiroth's view. He did not care, the form that he could see through the curtain gave him a good enough idea on how her body was... Sephiroth grinned naughtily.  
  
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Elisha: PERVERT!!! Hmm, when does Vincent take a shower?  
  
Author: Hey where the hell did you come from, I'm writing here!  
  
Vincent: Well, I feel dirty. I'm off to take a shower. (Walks away, Elisha follows)  
  
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Aeris turned the knob and the water ceased to flow from the showerhead. Without any thought on her mind but a tune dancing on her lips, she pushed the shower curtain aside and went for her towel. Sephiroth's jaw dropped as his nose began to bleed like no tomorrow. Aside from her exquisite assets that water was dripping from, he noticed something upon her figure that made his heart sink in guilt as she dried off. He could see in full view, the scar from the puncture wound left by his Masamune. It rested right under and between her breasts. Sephiroth speculated if she thought of day when he had killed her every time she undressed. He unconsciously let out a sigh of culpability, alarming Aeris in the process. Realizing he just gave away his position by the shriek she let out, Sephiroth turned in preparation of running like hell.  
  
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Aeris regained herself as he turned to flee. Sephiroth stopped and hung his head as Aeris hurriedly covered herself with her towel before approaching him. Her face was tinged scarlet and Sephiroth could understand why. Aeris' facial expression was torn between rage and shock as she looked up at him. Sephiroth was honestly scared by what would happen next. Aeris slapped him twice, leaving a handprint on both of his cheeks. "You were, were, watching me?! You are sicker than I imagined!"  
  
Even though Aeris began giving him an earful, he just couldn't focus on anything but the scar. He had caused a lot of pain to her and hadn't taken heed of any of it. While Aeris kept raving about how vile he was, he placed his hand on the towel over the scar and just stared. Aeris went silent when he did this and looked at his hand for a few seconds until she realized that he was trying to signify the mark of her death by the same hands. Aeris' face softened and she looked up into the formal general's usually stern face to find it vexed with untold feelings. She sighed and smiled gently as she pulled his hand away from her abdomen and wrapped her arms around his middle. Sephiroth was in complete shock at her embrace but gained enough courage to return it, he could tell that she knew he was sorry. They stood holding each other silently, Sephiroth rested his chin on her head and traced up and down her spine with his index finger as Aeris played with the police badge on his costume, all the while giggling. (Yes! He is STILL wearing it!)  
  
'He's getting much better and much friendlier. At this rate he'll be able to leave here without me worrying about him maiming anything.' Aeris thought. She felt strange being held in the arms of her killer but she excused the irony of it all and enjoyed his friendly hug. A minute later and she broke from his grasp and looked at him with a kind smile. "NOW's the time for an apology for your intrusion, Sephiroth."  
  
"Wouldn't you realize by now that I'm not the kind of guy that apologize?" He turned away stubbornly with a grin of mischief. Aeris pulled out a piko hammer (you know, those funny lookin' hammers in mangas) from no where and bonked him on the head. He clutched the new bump on his head and yelped out an ouch. Aeris tossed the piko hammer over her shoulder and poked his chest.  
  
"Come on! I mean it. I'd really appreciate if you would apologize for everything and mean it. Please?" Aeris said with puppy dog eyes before patting the area where her scar was. "And I do mean everything. I want to actually hear that you say that you're sorry."  
  
"Hmmph! Fine! Aeris, I am truly sorry for all the grief I have put on your shoulders, I'm sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me." Sephiroth said reluctantly but glad to get it off his chest. Aeris smiled and nodded.  
  
"See? It wasn't too hard. You're making a lot of progress, Sephy." Aeris chirped as she patted his cheek. "Now get out so I can put on my clo-.." Aeris stopped as she looked over her shoulder at the closet to their right. She had remembered that she had definitely closed it. Sephiroth took notice of the place she was gazing at. Aeris shrugged it off and was about to go back to what she was saying until Sephiroth placed a finger on his lips to silence her. He focused his energy into his senses and could sense an aura from the closet, and wondered why he didn't feel it sooner. It felt strong.  
  
In the closet (where I usually spend MY days in. Thus, the fluff has ceased. For now, heheheh!)...  
  
The talking stopped and Kain couldn't see what was happening but he could sense that they felt his presence in the room. He could hear the footsteps of the man approach, though quiet as they were because of the carpet. The muscles in Kain's body tensed as he prepared to attack at the necessary moment. His mind screamed at him, 'KILL!' The door opened and he froze in surprise at who it was.  
  
Aeris, while still in her towel, reached in ignoring the shocked vampire and grabbed one of the many identical pink dresses, a pair of underwear that Kain had sniffed earlier, and a bra and turned back to the bathroom. Kain stepped out of the closet only to meet Sephiroth's angry glare.  
  
"So, whoever you are, you were spying on Aeris! And in the closet! Pervert." Sephiroth said to him once Aeris closed the bathroom door.  
  
"Hey! You hypocrite! You were too!" Aeris' voice called out from inside the bathroom. Her arm snaked out from behind the slightly ajar door, dropping the towel in a heap upon the floor in a very sexy manner. Two saliva puddles formed beneath both evil men as they gawked at the sight, their dirty minds working over time.  
  
'Oh the things that could be going on behind that door right now... And I'm not there, damn.' Sephiroth thought, nose bleeding again and all.  
  
'Ohhh, she's just asking for it later on... Heheheh.' Kain thought while grinning evilly. He turned to Sephiroth and glared at him now. He snapped out of his trance as well and glared back at the newest stranger. Kain glared. Sephiroth glared. Sparks flew between their eyes as the silent battle for Aeris began. "She looks tasty. I think I want to try her so back off."  
  
"A vampire, uh? Well, I don't see your name on her, pal, however I have already branded her (with the scar) so YOU back off!" Sephiroth spat back at him with his arms folded.  
  
"But I see you haven't taken her, I can smell her virginity. So, I think I will, they taste better anyway." Kain replied smugly. Sephiroth went red in the face and said nothing and they went back to glaring at one and other. They continued this until Aeris emerged looking like the sparkling virgin goddess she was. Kain somehow, with his inhuman powers, appeared in front of her kneeling on the floor with her hands in his. "Hello, my lady, you are more beautiful than (pie, no jk) the heavens themselves wearing the moon for its pendant and the stars as its cloak. What is the name go by, I assume its beauty fits your face. My name is Kain, I must know yours our it shall vex my heart with the ache of an unknown love."  
  
Aeris blushes violently as he kissed the top of her hand and giggled. "My name's Aeris and this is my house. That's Sephiroth."  
  
"Ah, so angels do have names! And a lovely abode as well." Kain threw out romantic words at her as Sephiroth rolled his eyes, Aeris couldn't help but blush.  
  
"Let me guess, you were teleported here and you don't know how to get back, am I right?" Aeris said as she pulled her hands out of his with a smile.  
  
"What rapture! A woman with beauty and intelligence, what a find I have made." Kain said in response. "Yes, that is how I came to be here. And it was through that door I that entered your dwelling. May I ask if I am still in the city of Meridian."  
  
"So sorry soldier, this city's Midgar. There is no place on this planet called Meridian, nor is there a Terra, Gaia, or Mirkwood!" Sephiroth said hastily. "SO if you don't mind, you can, like, leave or something."  
  
"Sephy! Don't be so rude, he can stay like the others." Aeris turned to Sephiroth and frowned and put her hand on her hips, Kain silently snickered at him for him to see that he wasn't winning. She smiled again and turned back to Kain who went back to giving her sweet looks. "Two others popped here and are downstairs with my friends, you can join them."  
  
Kain bowed to her and left to downstairs. Sephiroth shook Aeris by her shoulders in panic. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! Do you know that he's a vampire? You can't trust him! How many guys did you wish for?"  
  
"He's a vampire? Cool... I only wished for one! I don't know why there are three!" Aeris said pushing him off. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Hey, three's better than one! Much more possibilities..." Sephiroth's jaw went limp in utter shock. He straitened back up again and smirked.  
  
"Well, I bet I can make you change your mind about that!" He said and ripped off his shirt revealing a masculine chest and began to advance her slyly. Aeris put her hands out in front of him, trying to signal him to stop while smiling nervously.  
  
"Sephiroth, just because you saw me naked, doesn't mean you have to return the favor (well, at least not yet)... Don't EVEN think about it!" Aeris said frowning at the little distance between them. He attempted to grab her in his arms but she sidestepped easily and ran to the side of her bed giggling. "I mean it! You better knock it off right now!"  
  
"Haha! I don't think so." Sephiroth said in an attempt to pounce upon her yet failed because she had leapt out of his reach onto her bed. She tried to shuffle off to the other side but he grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her back to him. He began to tickle her madly.  
  
"QHIT IT, HAHAHAHAH!!!!! SEPHY!! HEHEHEHAAHAHA!!" Aeris could barely breath because laughter overran her body as Sephiroth continued to tickle her frantically. Aeris was turning blue from laughter until Sephiroth gave her a break and she inhaled furiously. Aeris bopped him on the head playfully with her piko hammer and went over to her closet again. She rummaged through the shelf on the wall and came back over to Sephiroth with his black Shinra military uniform he had always worn in her arms. She smiled and held it out to him. "Well, since you ruined that out fit, here's your old uniform for you to wear. I even took the time to make some changes to it."  
  
"You changed it?! WHY! It was just fine the wa- COOL!!!!!" Sephiroth's eyes widened in amazement and tore off his pants (HELLO!) and began putting it on. (thus the Kingdom Hearts Sephiroth is born! It's the nifty costume he wears in Kingdom Hearts if you don't know already.) Aeris' smile was widened with pride. "NIFTY!"  
  
"You're welcome." Aeris stated meekly expecting an expression of thanks. No reply, Sephiroth was running around in circles and flailing his arms about like a really stupid bird. Aeris tried again. "You're WELCOME." Still no reply, Sephiroth was squealing in joy though. Aeris' aura grew red with rage. She hurled the piko hammer at him, hitting him square in the face and causing him to fall down. "I SAID 'YOU'RE WELCOME!'"  
  
"GOD DAMN *$#&ING THANK YOU!!!!!" Sephiroth screamed at her as he got up from the floor. They started pushing one an other as they headed back downstairs. When they got down stairs they were shock to find the living room torn up and Cid, Vincent and Kain fighting. Kuja and Legolas sat on the couch, still drinking tea. Aeris let out a fatigued sigh and came down the rest of the stairs.  
  
"This is ganna be a long night..." She muttered to herself as she went over to beat all three men.  
  
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Author: YES! NO MORE COWS!!!!!!!! Sorry if this one was a little lame but I just didn't have enough enthusiasm. My cat's staring at me too. I have nothing more to say, goodnight. (goes out cold)  
  
Vincent: Hey, what about us?  
  
Kuja: Yeah! And how come Legolas and I weren't in this one much?  
  
Kain: because you suck.  
  
Legolas: We, well, I don't suck! I don't know about Kuja, but I sure as hell don't suck anything!  
  
Sephiroth: I SAW AERIS/AUTHOR NAKED!!!!!! OH YEAH!  
  
Kain: I saw her in her undies. Hehehe.  
  
Dante: HA! That's nothing, we did it ... and on the coffee table too!  
  
Kain, Sephiroth: O.o You're lying!  
  
Dante: Noooooooooope.  
  
Author: (wakes up with a string of drool trailing from her mouth) NO I DIDN'T KILL THE LEPERCHAUN!!!!!! Oh, where am I? Uh, hi everyone. Gawd, do I need to sleep.  
  
Link: I want a luffa and a spoon!  
  
Author: That is lovely, Link.  
  
Kain: Aeris/Author? Did you and Dante do it on the coffee table?!  
  
Author: ??!!??!!??!!??  
  
Sephiroth: Welllllllll?  
  
Author: Hell no! Where'd you get that bull shi- ... DANTE!!!!!!!!  
  
Dante: uh, oh... (runs like hell)  
  
Author: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU TO STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOUR WET DREAMS?!?!?!? (follows like hell, with a butcher knife. WARNING! Freddy vs. Jason spoilers so don't read if you don't want to ruin the movie. Not that you'd ruin much.)  
  
Vincent: Well, I'd like to say I saw Freddy vs. Jason the other day.  
  
Sephiroth: Really? Blood spray is awesome man! Like at the beginning where Jason stabbed the shit outa that guy and then snapped the bed in half! Damn, that was cool!  
  
Kain: OH! OH! And that part where like where they were all partying and crap and Jason just slashed all them mother #%$^ers up and crap. (Dante runs by screaming like a little girl as Aeris/Author chases him with the butcher knife still)  
  
Vincent: Yeah! And they were all like high and making fun of him and crap and he twisted that guys head around, that was damn funny!  
  
Sephiroth, Kain, and Vincent: (laughing at the stupidity of it)  
  
Legolas: this is like a bad nightmare. And I can't get out.  
  
Kuja: Because... (Pulls off his face to reveal Freddy) I'm ganna get you.  
  
Legolas: (Screams and runs away)  
  
Kuja: (Pulls off the Freddy mask and it's just Kuja) Heheheh, Sucker!  
  
Link: TOILET PAPER! MUST GET INTO FANFIC! THE COUCOUS OF THE APPOCOLYPSE! THEY ARE HERE WITH THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs around in circles screaming random things and pulling at his hair)  
  
Dante: (runs into camera and puts his face into it) HELP ME!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!!!!!!  
  
Author: (stabs Dante's ass and then notices the camera) Oh, um, hello out there. I'd like to announce that my friend, you know, the escaped convict. Elisha is her name. She too is writing a fan fic and it's about Rikku and Auron from Final Fantasy X and baby-sitting. And it's funny so far. SO GO LOOK FOR IT! I don't know what It's called, it hasn't been posted yet. But still, keep an eye out for it. I'll tell you the tittle once I get it from my friend, ok? OK! Hope you all have a goodnight, except you people that don't review. You, my nonreveiwers, shall suffer one of the most horrible fates ever dealt to man.. You will be stabbed in your sleep with one of my pointy knives that burns with a thousand evils which will probably break off into you spine because of the ample number of times you inflict a stab wound in the back. Have a pleasant sleep, before I come for you of course. And for you that review, I thank you. I need five more reviews here! Link is going mad! He's foaming at the mouth now! If you have any decency in your souls, you will help him by submitting a review! YOU MUST! Or I'll come for you...  
  
Sephiroth: LEMON!  
  
Author: Oh, and the questions for today, there are... Two. First one is from Jamie  
  
Jamie: holy sh^t girl, I was crying this fic is so darn funny.. Oh I gots one question for ya, does Vince know about a drug called Zoloft? Caz I think he needs it for that horrible depression he's got going on in this fic.  
  
Author: Well I'll let Vincent ask that... Vinny! (Vincent is still talking with Kain and Sephiroth) VINCENT! Get over here please. (Vincent walks over to Author/Aeris with his depressed face darkened with distress) Have you ever heard of Zoloft?  
  
Vincent: Er... No. Why? (a happy looking ball with a face bounces into view holding several bottles of Zoloft, it stares at Vincent, Vincent stares back) ....?  
  
Happy Ball: Do you often have sex? Are you pregnant? Do you care if you get amnesia for about an hour? Do you often drink?  
  
Vincent: (shook his head to all of the questions)  
  
Happy Ball: Then would you care for some candy, Mister Vincent? (holds out a handfull of Zoloft pills)  
  
Vincent: Sure, thanks. (Downs all the pills) ...! Mmmmm! That was tasty! Thank you little happy ball! Why, I feel, I feel...! HAPPY! Oh what have I been doing, sulking in times past?! GUYS! LET'S ALL GET ICE CREAM AND GO TO THE CIRCUS!!!  
  
Sephiroth, Kain and Dante (who recovered quickly): What the hell?!  
  
Kuja: Why that sounds like fun!  
  
Legolas: Yes, let's go to the circus!  
  
Vincent: (squeals in joy and grabs Legolas' and Kuja's hand and they skip away into the sunset)  
  
Author: .... And there you have it. Undeniable proof that Vincent will one day come and smite us all, Smite us I say! (looks around paranoidly) They just can't see it! Are they blind? Blind as a Marlboro if you ask me! Oh, I'll make them see it! They call me crazy! But I'm the only one who's NOT crazy! NOT CRAZY- SMACK! (is slapped by Sephiroth) Thank you Sephiroth, I lost control. Hey, lets finish the questions! (Sephiroth nodded in agreement) OKAY! Our second, and last question is this... It's from holy_Queenofall19  
  
holy_Queenofall19: I have a question for Sephiroth: Why don't you commit suicide? It's better to die now and end your misery?  
  
Sephiroth: Hmmmmm, well I don't think suicides cool, I have to much pride for that. I will die fighting, that's the way of the warrior. But since I'm against Aeris, I can see the possibilities there. (Grabs his Masamune and is about to awkwardly impale himself when Author/Aeris shakes her head)  
  
Author: Well in that case, Sephy, I guess I'll have to have the lemony goodness with one of the other guys. Well, not Vincent, he'll just have sexual side effects from all the Zoloft.  
  
Sephiroth: Huh?! WHAT?! LEMON?!?!?! ME WANT LEMON!  
  
Author: you can't have lemon when you're dead, love, so.. Kain! I summon you to my private chambers!  
  
Kain: Sweet!  
  
Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, no suicide, I'll just do nothing.  
  
Author: Okay! That's all. Kain, let go of me, NO LEMON FOR YOU KAIN! (slaps away his hands as he attempts to drag her into her bedroom)  
  
Kain: Awwww, (*%&!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: But what about MY lemon?!  
  
Author: Patients is a virtue, love. (Pats him on the head) So long people! I'm off to make coffee. If people hate me, then why do they read my stuff? I don't understand people sometimes... 


	5. Link, come to town, come to save the pri...

CHAPTER FIVE  
  
Author: Gawd, we're on chapter five already? How time flies when you are making fun of three eyed squirrels.  
  
Sephiroth: Hi.  
  
Link: NI!  
  
Vincent: Ni?  
  
Kain: Niiiiii.  
  
Dante: Niiiiii!  
  
Kuja: ni.  
  
Legolas: Ni.  
  
Sephiroth: ...  
  
Author: WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI!  
  
Sephiroth: I found a penny!  
  
Link: I AM THE BRINGER OF THE KEEBLER ELVES! FEAR US AND TREMBLE!!!! We wear green. All that and a bag of chips, baby! MWAHAHAHAHHAH!! (Runs off and gets hit by a rabid moose, which gets eaten by a weird looking tiger machine thingy)  
  
Author: This fic is brought to you by Grandma's Bonified Moose Death Traps. Kills moose dead. Don't worry, they only sell them in Norway. And I must say that I own no one but myself and my cat and the soul of a leprechaun named Nickels. I love sushi.  
  
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Aeris was outside on the roof of her house and did not know why. (I don't even know why she was outside. Oh! Now I do.) She was fed up with all the yelling and needed some fresh air. Night had fallen upon the sky and the stars danced around the crescent moon that hung in the sky through the broken plate above the slums. She let out a sigh of fatigue and gazed at the sky while hugging her legs to her chest. The breeze played with wisps of her hair, throwing it about carelessly. Everything was going weird for her birthday. She had planned to have only her friends and Sephiroth over and now there were three weird strangers: an elf, a cross dressing sorcerer, and a vampire. 'What a birthday.'  
  
Somewhere long, long- well, you know the drill.  
  
A girl with red hair dressed plainly and a girl with blonde hair dressed royally stood in the corner of Lon Lon Ranch staring at the 'kind-hearted' blonde young Hylian up on the barn roof with five chickens strapped to his body. The red-haired girl moaned and the other only stared silently.  
  
"I don't think this is ganna work, Link!" The red head called up to him.  
  
"Don't worry, if I can glide with just one chicken, think of what I can do with five! We could fly around Hyrule with just chickens in the future, Mallon! IT'D BE SO COOL!" Link said with excitement bursting out of him. "Hey! Zelda! Mallon! Watch this!" He signaled to her that he was ready and jumped off the roof. The chickens flapped crazily and begin flying higher. Unfortunately they also began to peck at the rope that held them to Link while he was about fifteen yards in the air. A few more yards and all the rope snapped and the chickens flew away, leaving Link to fall to his death. For a brief few seconds, Link blinked before screaming for dear life as he descended back towards the ground. CRASH! He landed in some spread out hay. He wasn't that stupid, to go and try flying without something to break yours fall. Well, actually it was Mallon's idea since Link thought for sure that nothing could go wrong. Links body was twitching as Zelda and Mallon walked over to him.  
  
" 'Oh! We don't need to put down hay, it's quite safe I'm sure!'.. really Link. Oh, and the chickens, you could have been a bit nicer to them. I don't think slicing them with the Master Sword was the right thing to do." Mallon stated to Link as she saw the chickens gathering.  
  
The flock of chickens that he earlier used for this same project began to gather around Link and then ensued in a frenzy of merciless pecking sprees. Zelda and Mallon watched for a few minutes, screams of agony were hardly muffled by the flock of chickens upon Link, blood and miscellaneous chunks of flesh and bloodstained green clothing were flying every where. It was then that a girl in all green and looked no older than ten, walked up to Zelda and Mallon and watched with them.  
  
"So, he was at it again, wasn't he?" the new girl asked shaking her head in pity.  
  
"Yyyyyyep." Zelda said, she was now eating popcorn as she watched. The screams continued.  
  
"God, this is boring.. Hey! Let's go to Lake Hylia! I heard that the Indigo- Gos were ganna being playing there this weekend!" Mallon said jumping up and down. The flock of chickens lifted leaving a bloody lump of a naked Hylian.  
  
"(Wheeze) Ribs.. broken. Organs... bleeding. (Wheeze) Spleen... still unaccounted for." Link whimpered as he tries to stand up on his own but badly staggers in front of the three girls. They all go wide-eyed as they stare at a naked Link.  
  
"Guess whose going to have nightmares for months now?" Zelda said as she and the other girls turned to leave nervously.  
  
Navi, who had been off dating some guy fairy, was flying by with her boyfriend until they noticed the naked half-dead Link laying in a bloody mess in hay. She flew over to him and bounced up and down in the air shouting "Hey! Look! Hey!" over and over again. Now you can understand why The Legend of Zelda has strongly influenced terrorist groups and teenage suicidals since 1989. Navi was apparently going out with Teal. Don't ask how they hooked up, who knows. But what I do know is this, Teal didn't want to stare at Link's nude bloody body so he beamed clothes onto him... With magic! Sparkly, Sparkly!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(CNN music begins) Author: This just in! We bring you a live update. My friend Elisha has came up with a tittle for her fic! It will be called "Raising Tidus". But before everyone can view it, she has to remember her password to Fanfiction.com. Now back to our paid programming. (Throws buckets of cheese at the audience as well as luffas and animal crackers)  
  
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"Well, hell, I might as well heal him too." Teal said and summoned some fairy chicks to dance around him madly in a circle until Link's health was fully restored and he was back on his feet.  
  
"Why thank you, my little fairy friends. Did you know that Pikachu says 'Pika, Pika' which means 'sparkly, sparkly' in Japanese?" Link said a bit dazed and wobbling as he walked away. He sharply turned back around and looked at the two fairies. "Hey, what are you two doing together?"  
  
"Uh, we're dating?" Teal said. Navi bounces up and down in the air crazily.  
  
"Look! Watch out! Hey!" Navi screamed. "Wow. I haven't been that surprised since I found out the Gerudo thieves were all lesbians." Link said scratching his head. "Oh well, see you later." Link began heading towards the exit of Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
Ganondorf walked by while eating pie. Link turned and watched him dumbfounded. "Ok. Maybe not that surprised... Hey! Ganon-Dork! What the hell are you doing here, I kicked your ass!" Link screamed at him. Ganondorf turned around and walked over to Link.  
  
"Why hello, Link, how are you? Would you like some pie?" He asked as he held out the baked goods. Link raised an eyebrow suspicious of Ganondorf and what he could be planning. "It's quite yummy, it's Danish apple pie!"  
  
"Oh! Why that's my favorite! Thank you!" Link took the pie and ran off to the Hyrule field. He devoured the pie quickly and played Epona's Song, expecting his faithful horse, Epona. Only to find out he had summoned a Chocobo.  
  
"Wark!"  
  
"WTF?! You're not Epona! Where's my damn horse!?" Link cried out and then tried again. This time it was a cow that came.  
  
"Moo Moo"  
  
"WHERE'S MY HORSE!!!!!!" Link yelled before trying again and again and again. A moose, a turkey, a skulkid, a flying squirrel, Scooby Doo, a Pikachu, a moogle, and the Knights of the Round all popped up with no sign of Epona. "YOU KNOW WHAT!??!?!?!? *$#^ IT! I'LL WALK!!!!!"  
  
And with that Link set out for, uh, er... Lake Hylia! Yeah, and on the way, the insane Happy Masked Salesman that was probably a child rapist constantly stopped him and asked for masks and pudding. Link finally went insane and ran the rest of the way screaming bloody murder after the eleventh time he was stopped. He also bumped into the Kafei kid with the Keaton mask. He also asked for a mask and pudding. Link screamed some more and jumped the large gate to Lake Hylia.  
  
Link ran into the fields that lay next to Lake Hylia, it was filled with hordes of screaming fans of the Indigo-Gos. The Indigo-Gos were all playing on the island in the middle of the lake with Hylians, Gorons, the Deku scrubs and surrounding them on land and Zoras in the water or vice versa. Well, not the Gorons or Dekus because they would, like, die. Link almost went deaf from the blaring speakers and screaming fans, and so he went over on the outskirts of Hylia and sat under a pine tree. It wasn't long until the concert ended.  
  
"Ok, you don't have to go home but you cant stay here!" the guitarist said in the microphone. "SO GET LOST!"  
  
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" the fans sulked and began to leave. Link noticed the trio of drunken chicks he knew all too well. Zelda, Saria and Mallon staggered towards the sitting Hero of Time[tm] under the tree. They were apparently singing one of the many catchy pop songs sung by Lulu of the band they were just at.  
  
"Looooooook gurls! Dare's Blink!" Saria fumbled with her words, apparently because of the misuse of the large amount of alcohol.  
  
"Hahahah! Hey lookah! The Ocarina of Time [tm] also makes a great bong!" Zelda chortled while doing strange things to it all the while.  
  
"Hahahah, thas great! HALLO LING!" Mallon called stumbling along with the others until they were right above Link. He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Uh, too much to drink huh?" Link asked timidly. He didn't know what would happen, he had to be careful.  
  
"Oh, Make love to me link! We can go back to the castle, our destiny awaits... On the Mattress of Time[tm]!" Zelda said, leaping at him. Link rolls backwards out of the way.  
  
"Oh, no, no, no, no! You're drunk, missy!" Link said squirming to his feet. Zelda and the other two girls started to close around him.  
  
"Oh, mmmy lil' Link, I'lla show you how to really milk a cow!" Mallon began rubbing Link's chest.  
  
"AHHHH!" Link jumped over them just as they leapt for him and he ran, being the sexually uneducated virgin that he was. It didn't do much good; they somehow found and were riding Epona. He thought he would run faster when he pulled out the bunny ears, but he forgot he can not use it in his adult state, 'damn the Door of Time[tm], it closed on me after I beat Ganandorf and I just had to grow up the normal way! Crapness! You'd think they'd allow you to do whatever the hell you want after you save the world! But no! Oh looky! It's the weird Poe collecting guy!' Link ran up to him and ran in place with a questioning expression on his face, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm selling magic bottles, you can fit anything in it. Even yourself and as I can see you need to hide somewhere, yes?" The Poe man said, after noticing the girls approaching fast.  
  
"How much?" Link rushed.  
  
"1,000,000 gil- I mean dollars- I mean Ruppees!" He replied petting one of his little Poe friends.  
  
"Hell no! You think I'm rich or something?! I live in a damn tree with a cow for the gods' sakes!" He screamed at the Poe man. The Poe collector shrugged.  
  
"Hey, just trying to help, but I'm poor too ya know! I stole these clothes off a dead homeless guy, anyway, I guess you could always just hide in that hole over yonder- though I would not suggest it. Since you'd most likely be eaten alive by the hordes of undead, demons, and other such monsters." The Poe collector then walked away and disappeared. Link searched desperately for a place to run. The girls halted behind him and jumped off the horse before approaching him slowly. Finally, he came to a conclusion.  
  
"Well, after all, I am a man. I should be able to fend off the ravage dams by myself. Hey, I bet it's not that bad, might as well give it a whirl." Link stated out loud and turned to face the girls. He thrusted a finger out in the air, pointing to the distance behind him. "OH MY GOD, GIRLS! LOOK! IT'S A NAKED DARK LINK!"  
  
"OH GOODY!" they all turned to look. He didn't hesitate to hurl himself down the grotto hole while their backs were turned. Link fell for an unnaturally long time.  
  
Back on the roof where Aeris sits...  
  
Aeris innocently hummed a tune her mother often sang to her when she was little while staring at the stars still. She stopped when she could faintly hear a scream. She looked around and listened as it got louder and louder from above until... SLAM! Something landed hard in front of Aeris, who let out a shriek of surprise. It turned out to be a man in a green tunic, much like Legolas' but not as decorated. Aeris rushed over to help the man up and check his injuries. "Are you ok?! GOOD LORD!"  
  
"Are you going to violate me too?" Link asked a bit dazed but recovering fast. Hey, he's fallen from much higher heights and lived.  
  
"Uh, no. But my name's Aeris. I suppose you aren't from Midgar either?" She sighed before climbing through the window. He followed and shook his head, confused. "Oh, well, now I have four strangers in my house. You're welcomed to stay here until I figure out how to send you home. What's your name?"  
  
"Link. I'm in Midgar? This must be like the time when I fell into Talmina, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pie Ganondorf gave me! Oh hell, it's better than being chased by drunken chicks." Link sighed and followed her.  
  
"Uh, wha?" Aeris mumbled in confusion as they headed down stairs. The boys were in a deep discussion on the new guests.  
  
"I swear it! They all look like an altered version of Sephiroth here I tell you!" Tseng shouted to Cid and Vincent from a corner, holding a bouquet of flowers as well as shaking from hysteria of seeing so many strange people that reminded him of Sephiroth. "THEY HAVE COME TO SMITE US ALL! THEY ARE CLONES, I SAY! CLOOOOOOOONES!"  
  
"No, they aren't. Don't make me finish what I started in the Temple!" Sephiroth growled. The Legolas, Kain and Kuja stood there not understanding anything, Vincent looked at Tseng as if he were mad, and Cid went back to his naughty magazines that he gave Aeris.  
  
"Woah, woah, woah... If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?" Tseng asked outloud and began to think.  
  
"Porn. It's cheaper than dating." Cid mumbled off in his own little world.  
  
Aeris yelped in joy at the sight of her childhood friend. Tseng had survived his encounter with Sephiroth in the Temple of Ancients by a mere thread of life within himself and dragged himself out of the temple into the forest surrounding it. In which later being attack but killed the monster instead of dying, and using the hide of the animal to cover his severe wounds to stop the bleeding, saving his life from dying due to lack of blood. Thus, taking a long rode to recovery without a few bumps and potholes within it along the way in the wilderness until a ship spotted his fire upon the shore. Allowing him to be rescued and taken into a good doctor, who didn't allow him to leave until healed. And that took quite a while, like a year. Now, back to the living room. Tseng looked up to see the young girl of his dreams (as well as sick fantasies, probably) prancing up towards him causing a smile to break out on his face.  
  
"Oh! I'm so glad you could make it here! How are you? Are you still in pain?" She asked, hugging him. He blushed and shook his head before giving her the flowers. She thanked him and offered a cold beer, in which he excepted it generously. He straitened up instantly when he remembered who else was in the room. With that, he grabbed Aeris' arm and led her into the kitchen to talk privately while the other boys were busy talking to the new guest, Link.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Tseng jabbed his finger towards the four new men. "Who the hell are those guys?! They look like Sephiroth's spawn or clones or whatever."  
  
"Well, um, I don't really knoooow. But one's a sorcerer, one's a vampire and it seems the last two are elves. I think I wished them here. And besides, the new one I just came down stairs with doesn't look like Sephiroth." She could tell he was lost from the expression on his face so she explained the whole thing to him. "I mean, I just wanted a nice boyfriend. My last one said he loved children, but I dumped him when I found out he was on parole for it. Cloud and Tifa are an item so he's out of the question." Tseng had to keep himself from jumping on her and shouting he loved her. She was so bad with love that it could hit her in the face with a shovel and she wouldn't notice. "But since they are all here, I promised them we'd have fun tomorrow for my party! Would you like to stay? I have room, I think."  
  
"No, I think I'll have to pass. I'm looking for employment since the Turks are no more. I have an interview tomorrow. But thanks for the offer." Tseng sighed heavily. 'Is there no way into that heart of hers?' he thought. Aeris understood and thanked him for coming though before they parted at her front door. By then it was late, the sun had gone down looooooooong ago. It was about one thirty in the morning. Aeris suggested that they all went to sleep. She promised that the real fun for her party would happen tomorrow.  
  
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Everyone was sleeping peacefully, Aeris in her own room, Sephiroth in the first guest room where he had been sleeping, Vincent and Cid in the second guest room and then the rest of the guys down in the living room with blankets and stuff. Sephiroth decided to get a glass of water so he crept out of his bed and opened his door. Not three steps later and Aeris' bedroom door next to him opened as well. Aeris walked stiffly out like she was sleep walking and then stood at the top of the stairs. Sephiroth went over to look at her, and he could see that her eyes were hazy and clouded over. He waved his hand in front of her face.  
  
"Uh, Aeris? You there?" Sephiroth asked. She hadn't ever sleep walked before in the few weeks he had been living with her. Her head twisted to his direction slightly, her eyes cold and didn't blinking once. She was beginning to scare him.  
  
"Go back to sleep Sephiroth, I'm going to go make love to that devilishly handsome and charming servant of the damned. Now, be a good little boy and go back to sleep or die or something." Aeris spoke emotionlessly in a monotone way. She continued down the stairs. Sephiroth frowned.  
  
"Ugh! Stupid Kain." He muttered and went and jumped out the nearest window that led to Aeris' front yard. There, he found Kain in the bushes concentrating on his dark art, charm.  
  
End Transmission..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sephiroth: you know you want me for my evilness and raw sex appeal.  
  
Author: uhhhhhh, yeah, so? And your point is?  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, uh, I was ganna say something really smart... But I lost it.  
  
Author: .... Ok. (Turns to Vincent) Sorry, Vinny but some one named Sirlief wants you to mate with Tifa and Yuffie.  
  
Vincent: Hey! But, I don't even know this person and they want us to mate?! What's in it for me?!  
  
Author: uh, hot sex in a coffin, several dollars and a sponge.  
  
Vincent: ... Oh, ok. (Walks off with Yuffie and Tifa)  
  
Author: There ya go Sirlief, have fun! Well, Link. How was your trip to Midgar?! Mwahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!  
  
Link: ....................-  
  
Author: ok I get it.  
  
Legolas: Ha! You can't find me! I'm the one who'll kill you! I have awesome elf ninja skillz and your mom!  
  
Author: 'your mom?' (Some guy walks in carrying several boxes of pizzas)  
  
Some Guy with pizzas: Pizza delivery. That'll be twenty-one fifty.  
  
Author: Who ordered pizza?  
  
Sephiroth: Me (went to get his wallet to pay for the pizzas as he began to pig out on em)  
  
Legolas: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese...  
  
Anonymous deep voice: In a world where pizza can earn free lemons, one man takes it to a new level! (Everyone except Sephiroth look around for where the voice is coming from)  
  
Sephiroth: wassup. (Acting all cool)  
  
Author: No! NO! NO! No more credit card parodies! (Goes out of the room for a moment)  
  
Sephiroth: Why not? (Uses his credit card)  
  
Kuja: (gasp!) You're going to use it on the pizza?!  
  
Sephiroth: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah?  
  
Dante: But all those hidden fees. (The swarm of cuccos that attacked Link begins to group together again and swarm around the guys)  
  
Demonic Cuccos: kill.  
  
Link: High interest rates.. (The cuccos come closer)  
  
Demonic Cuccos: Kill.  
  
Legolas: Not to mention all those junk emails on Dominos pizza days and the endless appearances on your credit card statement! (And closer!)  
  
Demonic Cuccos: KILL!  
  
Sephiroth: Don't worry, I have a capital one card!  
  
Demonic Cuccos: Awwww. To the neighbors!  
  
Demonic Cucco Leader: What's in your wall- SPLAT! (Aeris/Author shoots the cucco with her shotgun)  
  
Author: Damn it! I said no more credit card parodies!  
  
Kuja: I want to paint the sky with nail polish.  
  
Dante: And I want to paint the wall with your intestines and blood.  
  
Kain: Where?! Where's the bloodspray?!... Fixadent; it's for the vampire teeth.  
  
Vincent: I use it too.  
  
Author: yeahhhhhhhh. I'm going now. 


	6. The son of Sparda vs beer!

Chapter 6  
  
Author: Gawd, my brain is killing me.  
  
Vincent: Which section of it hurts?  
  
Author: What am I a damn brain surgeon?! I have no clue, I do know I have a migraine that could kill an elephant.  
  
Sephiroth: That's not possible. I think it's the hypothalamus part.  
  
Vincent: No, the Hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting; fleeing; feeding; and, er. Mating.  
  
Dante: ...  
  
Sephiroth: ...  
  
Legolas: .....  
  
Kuja: ... I like pie.  
  
Kain: .... I will cut you!  
  
Link: .... Hahaha, mating!  
  
Author: Yes, Link. Mating. Something you, my little cute virgin pansy elf- friend, has never dared to try. Well, neither have I but.. You're a man! Get out there and get laid! Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure. Anyways, DAMN IT VINCENT! YOU BROKE MY CAGES FOR YOU GUYS!  
  
Vincent: Um, we're hardly ever in them. And I didn't think I'd turn into Chaos from the Hojo nightmare last night. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.  
  
Author: Oh well. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.  
  
Kain: Well. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.  
  
Sephiroth: Well, I think I am now the only sane one he-(Face goes blank then he screams) I will destroy everything! I will create a monument to non- existence! (goes back to normal)- uh, where am I? Oh, oh yeah. Um, can I have ice cream?  
  
Author: . Someone give me a gun.  
  
Vincent: Ok, here you are. (gives her his death penalty)  
  
Legolas: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.  
  
Author: Thanks but this gun's a bit too long for me. What about something smaller?  
  
Vincent: Ok, just pick one (he throws back his cape to reveal every type of firearm ever made, everyone stares) What?  
  
Author: This one will do. (Picks a desert eagle and walks outside. Several minutes later, a shot is heard)  
  
Sephiroth: DEAR GOD SHE KILLED HERSELF!!!!!!!!!! Wait, I'm free! YES!  
  
All but Vincent: (looks at Vincent) YOU KILLED AERIS! YOU BASTARD!  
  
Vincent: No, she killed herself.  
  
Author: (dragged in a dead flamer- no names mentioned in the progress, *cough * John! *cough, cough* - and throws him in a black bag.) Anyways, what are you guys talking about now? Did I miss anything?  
  
All but Author: O.o (staring)  
  
Author: What? What?! ... Well, screw you guys too, let's begin the chapter.  
  
All but Author: O.o  
  
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Link lay snoring in his sleeping bag before he awoke. He was not used to sleeping much, since he would run around for days on end during an adventure and not sleep. Not because he was too busy saving the realm of Hyrule, but the fact that all his fairy partners screamed in his ear intense profanity when he took a breather. He looked around the room where the two other guests slept soundly, one of them was missing. With his great Elven ears of hearing (twice the distance or your money back. Satisfaction [may not be] guaranteed. [Side effects may include; urge to eat pudding, and uncontrollable diarrhea.]), Link could hear the sound of light footsteps coming down the stairs. He could make out the silhouette of the lady that had allowed him to stay for the night. She paced by without taking notice of him sitting on his sleeping bag. She opened the front door and went through it to her garden outside. Link got up to see what she was going to do by peering through the window. He could see a figure awaiting her arrival and he noticed another swoop into the shadows from behind. Link could sense there was going to be trouble and went over next to the other Hylian-like male that they called Legolas and shook him carefully, a bit disturbed that he slept with his eyes open, or so he told them.  
  
Meanwhile in the garden...  
  
"Yes, my fair mistress... Come to me!" Kain cooed quietly with open arms as Aeris approached with dragging strides. He waited until she walked into his embrace before folding his arms around her delicate frame. With his hand, he pulled her hair away from her neck, while baring his sharp canines with a mischievous grin. Kain gently bent down to kiss and lick her neck softly. He slowly worked his lips downward from her neck towards her breasts while slightly slipping down her nightgown. He was too busy to hear the silent footsteps from behind him approach. THWACK! Kain was thrown to the ground by a large amount of force from a blow to the head. Sephiroth stood over him, scowling at him before inspecting Aeris. He snapped his fingers several times in front of her and that was all it took to get her back from her dream state.  
  
"Are you ok?" Sephiroth asked her as she blinked back to reality.  
  
"I, I, wha, you, I..." Aeris fumbled with her words while she rubbed her neck, still moist from Kain's kisses. Her eyes widened and she snapped a downward glare at the recovering Kain. "YOU! For shame! You were, were... Just because you hypnotize me, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on! Thank you Sephiroth, you've earned your freedom."  
  
"It was no prob-WHAT?!" Sephiroth jumped in sheer surprise. He didn't believe he heard her right. Kain picked himself off the ground and sulked while rubbing his bump upon his head.  
  
"You are free to leave any time you want. I must compliment and thank you on saving my chastity from this, this, er... Vampire. You have proven to me that you can change for the greater good. I believe I speak on the planet's part as well when I say. You are free."  
  
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. I was weak enough to fall into the clutches of an mass destructive sociopathic alien, and bent on destroying the planet to become a god." Sephiroth gaped in skepticism. "And yet you say I am free?"  
  
"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it." Vincent declared towards none in particular. Everyone gave him an unsteady glance before returning to whatever they were doing.  
  
"Yes. So... Go on, get. And to think, you slept with the head of that same alien for about six months." Aeris uttered in disgust. Link, Kuja, Legolas, Vincent and Cid stood behind Kain, Aeris and Sephiroth giggling from how entertaining this all was.  
  
"I DIDN'T KNOW IT WASN'T MY MOTHER!" He puffed with anger.  
  
"Well, couldn't you tell by how hideous it was compared to you?" She asked in disbelief. Within seconds, Sephiroth pulled her closer than she felt comfortable and grasped her hand dramatically with a conceited smile dancing upon his lips.  
  
"Are you declaring that I am handsome, my dear?" Sephiroth cooed into her ear in front of the others before she realized with embarrassment and shook him off.  
  
"YEAH RIGHT!" Aeris snorted and shrugged as she walked back into the door past the other guys. "Well, I'm ganna go back to sleep now. Good night you guys." She paused before disappearing into the frame and whirled around. "And NO sneaking into my room you naughty irritants!"  
  
"Damn." Sephiroth and Kain jinxed one another with sharp glares.  
  
"I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice, blood sucker." Sephiroth said evilly. Kain smiled coldly.  
  
"I'm not smiling because your joke was funny... I'm smiling because I know you'll be dead someday." Kain sneered back with as much evilness in the tone as Sephiroth had.  
  
"Hmmph!" Sephiroth grunted. Kain disappeared again and the rest of the guys dissolved away into the house. Sephiroth walked over to the where he was once restricted and observed it carefully. Slowly and timidly, he reached out. Expecting to feel an invisible wall, his hand glided over the boundary line. He was pleased with the result and stepped over the line. He was free. Free from his restricting hell. Hell? Was that how he should describe Aeris' abode? Well, when she makes him play dress up, he would think so. But where would he go besides this place? He stayed with Shinra while he was General, but now they are gone and even if they were still around, they certainly wouldn't allow him back (for slaughtering hundreds of their loyal employees and the president, no make that two presidents) and he also hated Shinra anyways. He didn't really stay anywhere except Northern Crater, which is now gone, when he was under Jenova's influence. If he were to leave, he would be a stray wanderer with no place to go if he chose it. 'Stay with Aeris and get to see her naked, or wander around freely but aimlessly... Nakedness, or freedom. Damn. She drives a hard bargain. Wait, who knows what that sick Kain will try next to get into her pants, not to mention how many more freaks might pop up-' A scream could be heard from within Aeris' room upstairs, shattering Sephiroth's thoughts. His mind was made up with a shrug of carelessness as he turned away from his gate of freedom and back towards the house. A few minutes later, screams of pain could be heard from Kain in the upstairs area. "OW!!! OHHHWEEEEE! NO! Not the long sword!!!! HEY?!! NO! WAIT!!! IT CAN'T GO UP THERE-!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEIII IIIIGHHHGHGHGHBLAH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Kain was then thrown out of the window in a bloody mess unto the garden soil. Sephiroth sticks his head out of the window and then sticks his tongue out at the bleeding Kain. "Nyah!"  
  
"Damn you to hell, you mere mortal of a man!" Kain cursed at him before disappearing into the night like most vampires do. Sephiroth turned back to face a furious looking Aeris, not hesitating to swiftly pluck her up off her bed and into his arms affectionately.  
  
"Maybe I should stay here with you in your room in case that demon decides to rear his ugly head again tonight." Sephiroth suggested with a mischievous grin upon his face.  
  
"Yeah Sephiroth, and, like, NO." Aeris fumed, wiggling out of his grasp. Once free, she turned to look at him. "Now, why the heck are you still here? You're free to leave. I thought you wanted to get out as quick as possible."  
  
"Uh, welllllllll, er..." Sephiroth couldn't think of a good excuse so he spouted out what first came to mind. "IWASREALYHUNGRYFORSOMECHICKENPOTPIE!"  
  
"Um, that's nice.. Good night Sephiroth." Aeris said pulling up the covers nervously.  
  
"Good night Aeris." Sephiroth returned while lying down and cuddling up next to her. Aeris quickly smacked him away.  
  
"You have your own room!" Aeris declared, pushing Sephiroth off her bed. He sulked and dragged himself out of her room, shutting the door behind him. Aeris smiled before almost falling asleep. She opened her eyes again when she realized something. 'I don't remember making any chicken pot pie... Hmmm. Oh well.'  
  
Somewhere far- wait... Hmmm. It seems this ones not too far away. Unless of course you're in Midgar, then it would be dimensionally far away. Yet if you were in our world, yes, our world, then I guess it wouldn't be too far away. I'd have to say it's somewhere in America. But if you're in Japan then you'd probably- AGHHHHHHAHGGCAKKKKKKKKkkkkkk.... (The Narrator has now been killed due to taking their time with useless crap. Sorry for the perplexity people. The fic shall now continue.) Somewhere in one of America's big cities...  
  
"God damn it, Dante! Just how many times do I have to tell you to put your toys up?" A lady walked around a filthy room full of half empty pizza boxes, totally empty beer bottles, swords covered in blood sticking out of demon skulls, porno mags, more swords, guns and ammo, brocken glass, and boxers.  
  
"BUUUUUUUUUURRRRP! Sorry Trish." the 'unique' but drunken man bellowed in reply with his black boots up on his desk, while reading, or looking at, a playboy magazine (there are a lot of em in here aren't there?). He took a minute to go for a swig of beer but was disapointed to find it empty. The man turned his head towards a dark skinned woman with red hair behind the bar that was wiping the counter over and over out of pure boredom from the lack of customers. "Hey Lucia! Can you get me another beer, babe?"  
  
Lucia shot a glare at the drunken man before chucking an unopened beer at his head, hitting the target square in the face. "Hal mani times must I tell you to not coll mi Vabe?!" Lucia howled with her thick Translevanian accent at his now unconscious body that lay before her before storming out of the building enraged. Trish watched her leave, shrugged, then followed her.  
  
Five hours later.....  
  
"I like chicken puffs and little marshmallow peanuts!" Dante was singing as loud as a drunk man could. The girls were still gone and Dante was bored to hell... And back again after killing Mundus. He was stretched out on his desk, holding a thing of whiskey. "He was a pickle in my hat with tons of moose eating rabbits!!! GAWD, WHERE IS THE DAMN TOILET?!?! FEAR MY WET COUGH!!!"  
  
Several minutes later....  
  
The phone was ringing, Dante picked it up and held it to his head. Screams and chaos could be heard from the ear piece. Dante began to ramble on some more. "Helloooooo, Johnny's assmeat parlor, do this be take out or delivery?"  
  
"Uhhhh, What the hell?! Dante!" A female voice could be heard. "It's me, Trish. Are you alive?"  
  
"Yeaaaaaaaaaaah?" he answered.  
  
"Damn. Oh, well. Since you are, you can help us out. There was sorta a misunderstanding. You see Lucia didn't have enough money for a pair of shoes so she sorta unleashed hell because she was so pissed. We're at the mall. Hurry up and get your ass down here now." Trish finished and hung up. Dante stared at the phone and hung it up after a few seconds of staring.  
  
To be continued! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: there seems to be something wrong with Fanfiction.net lately so I have to split this chapter into two.  
  
Sephiroth: but don't worry, the next part is up so go read it! 


	7. The son of Sparda vs Monty Python!

Author: See we told you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Okay, it's continuing.....  
  
... At the mall....  
  
"VAT THE ELL DO YOU MEAN PAPER OR PLASTIC?!?!? GIVE ME MY DAMN BOOTS!!!!" Lucia was flying around in devil mode shooting bolts of lightning and knives at the horrified employees. Marionettes, lizard people, Scythes and every other demon/monster/thing you could find in the two games were running around, destroying/killing/maiming everything in their paths. Dante arrives just in time to have his just dry-cleaned trench coat get blood splattered all over it from an unfortunate civilian.  
  
"ALL RIGHT!!! PARTY TIME!!!" Dante shouts with joy. Trish came over and smacked him over the head.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?! Hell is loose again, now clean it up." Trish scolded him. Dante shook his head.  
  
"How dare you admonish ME, VERMIN? LESS TALK, MORE SCREAMS!" Dante roared at Trish, still drunk. She smacked him again. "Er, I mean, yes mother."  
  
"That's a good boy. Now hurry, they were having a sale in JC Penny's!" She patted him on the head and left. She and Dante knew she wasn't his mother but she like to take the role of her and boss him around. Dante, however, couldn't care less.  
  
Dante looked back at the chaotic crowds and hordes of demons that chased them. "The world is going to Hell, and I am doing my part." He noticed a British looking man standing in the middle of the mall calmly with a creepy smile. (Now you may be asking me how you can spot a Brit. Well, I can tell you how: By their pants.) Dante immediately walked over to the man. "Uh, hello. You do know that a Pandemonium is going on around you, right? May I ask who you are and how you can be so calm at a time like this?" The man turned around at Dante's question, facing him.  
  
"Ah... I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again! I am Monty Python. And I am Satan." He replied, smiling.  
  
"Uh, I'm not a fairy. And I thought Mundus was Satan." Dante said, a bit shocked. Monty Python shook his head.  
  
"Tsk, Tsk. No dumb ass, he's my son in law. Hey you wanna hear a joke?! What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Haahahah, ahem. Smile, Satan hates you." He said. He made a Burger King burger pop up and began to munch on it. Dante noticed the wrapper around the burger said; It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great but... THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS OUR PEOPLE.  
  
"Excuse me, Satan. Could you, like, not destroy the mall?" Dante asked him bluntly.  
  
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no. The mall is the ultimate place to unleash hell and have it freeze over. Especially during fall clearance. So many pedestrians, so little time!" Monty Python said. "Besides, when you die you go to heaven. Until then welcome to hell!"  
  
"Ohhh, come on. You're the Devil!" Dante pleaded.  
  
"Some people say I must be a horrible person. That's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. On my desk." Satan replied. Some of the demons stopped their chasing and began to close around Dante. "I won't allow you to stand in my way. I have dreams too you know! GET THE FAIRY!!!" All the demons tackled Dante at once, piling onto of one another. Dante did of course wiggle out from underneath the pile. Lucia was prancing along by covered in blood except on her new and shiny boots. She noticed Dante and walked over.  
  
"Guton Morgan Son of Sparda! Vhy are you here? Oh! You come to buy new boots too!" Lucia laughed and helped him up.  
  
"Actually, no, I came to get you and bring you home but it seems that Hell is erupting from the middle of the mall." Dante stands tall and transforms into his demonic self. "Come on! Humanity is falling in a downward spiral towards a cesspool of ignorance and simplicity. Bring your floaties!"  
  
"Vat are you talking about?" Lucia asked confused.  
  
"Er, I mean... LET'S ROCK BABY!" Dante shouts and flies at Satan. "My job is hunting Devils! This is your last chance, Satan!"  
  
"I'll have a black guy rape you!" Monty Python screamed at him and signaled his minions away. "STAND BACK, DEMONS! This is a job for.... THE ANTI- CHRIST!" And with that, Monty Python and Dante went head on head into battle, throwing lightening and fireballs at one another. Arius and Mundus walk into the mall. They see the battle and watch for several minutes.  
  
"Oh, It's my father-in-law. He scares me." Mundus states, watching the two combats in midair. "Satan's in a boyband."  
  
"Hmph! I was going to buy my little doggies some dog chow here, but let's go somewhere else, shall we?" Arius said in agreement. They walk back out of the mall. Dante and Satan battled for hours, and hours... and hours. Trish and Lucia could be seen in the food court with bags of clothes and shoes piled around them while they watched and ate Mc Donald's. Dante gave a final burst of energy and sliced off Satan's arm. He looked down and saw it fall to the ground below.  
  
"Now stand aside, worthy adversary." Dante exclaims triumphally  
  
" 'Tis but a scratch." Monty Python replied.  
  
"A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!" Dante claimed.  
  
"No it isn't!" Monty Python told him.  
  
"Well what's that then?" Dante pointed to the arm lying on the ground.  
  
"I've had worse." Satan shrugged.  
  
"You LIAR!" Dante spat.  
  
"Come on, you pansy!" Satan screamed. There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Dante easily cuts off Monty Python's right arm, causing it and Satan's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.  
  
"Victory is mine!" Dante cries. He kneels to the ground and prays. "We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy-" He is kicked onto his side by Monty Python.  
  
"Come on, then!" He kicks Dante again.  
  
"What?!?" Dante shouted up at him. Satan kicks him again. Dante gets up.  
  
"Have at you!" Satan howls at him, followed by more useless kicks.  
  
"You are indeed brave, Satan, but the fight is mine!" Dante told him impatiently.  
  
"Ohhh, had enough, eh?" Satan taunted.  
  
"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!" Dante pointed out.  
  
"Yes I have!" Satan disputed  
  
"LOOK!!!" Dante jabbed his finger in the direction of where his arms once were.  
  
"Just a flesh wound!" Satan shouted back, kicking Dante again.  
  
"Look, STOP that!" Dante yelled, annoyed.  
  
"Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!"  
  
"Look, I'll have your leg!" Dante warned him but Monty Python continues his kicking. "RIGHT!" He chops off Satan's leg with his sword, leaving him to hop on his remaining leg.  
  
"Right! I'll do you for that!" Monty Python yelled at him in anger.  
  
"You'll WHAT?!" Dante asked in disbelief.  
  
"Come 'ere!" Satan said.  
  
"What're you going to do, bleed on me?" Dante asked, tiring of the whole scene rather quickly.  
  
"I'm INVINCIBLE!!!" Satan shouted.  
  
"You're a loony...." Dante corrected him.  
  
"Satan ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!" Satan hops around, trying to kick Dante with his one remaining leg. Dante shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes Satan's last limb. Monty Python falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move. "Damn you, Fairy! Damn you to Heaven!"  
  
"NOW I WILL FINISH YOU, SATAN!!!" Dante yells raises his sword to deliver the final blow.  
  
"Ha! I do not think so! OPEN SASSAME SEEDS!!!!!!" Monty Python yells out dramatically. A vortex of red and orange and black open up behind him before he hurls himself with his four hacked off limbs into the unknown portal. Dante blinks in shock before realizing he must follow.  
  
"It must be the gate to hell!" Dante observed. He shrugged and jumped into it headfirst. Dante tumbled downwards, blindly being shaken around until he fell onto something soft that let out a shriek. Without hesitation he looked up and prepared for an attack, yet he realized he wasn't in the hell he had once visited. A man stood before him, looking shaken up at the sight of Dante. He had long raven black hair and wore a blue suit and had a dot in his forehead. The man pointed a finger at him and gaped.  
  
"CLONES! MORE CLONES!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" The man turned around and ran as fast as possible before Dante could say anything. He shrugged and examined his surroundings. It looked like an awful slum, worse than the area he had his 'Devil May Cry' bar. There were old shacks and trailers with drunks around them and a ramshackle plate-like thing high above the slum. He didn't like the area and how dirty it was. There was, however, a light emitting from an alleyway and he decided to walk towards it. He found himself in the presence of a neat and cute little cottage-like house with a vas garden surrounding it and a waterfall in the background. He quickly decided that this was the place to find some information on where he was. Dante walked up to the door of the house and knocked patiently. Within seconds, two elf-like blond men opened the door. They both studied him and the elf with long hair spoke.  
  
"May we help you?" He spoke slowly, as if trying to decide what to say.  
  
"Uh, well, you see... I don't know where I am. It's hard to say-" Dante fumbled, scratching his head before the long haired one cut him off.  
  
"I see, wait here please. Will you watch him Link?" He asked the other man, the one called Link nodded and leaned on the doorframe while the other man disappeared up a flight of stairs in the house. He came back down followed by several more interesting looking men and a beautiful young lady dressed in pink.  
  
"Eh! It looks like you have another (%^$ing one Aeris!" A sturdy looking blonde man said to the girl that approached Dante with a smile. She was in her nightgown from what he could see.  
  
"Lemme guess, you don't belong here either yet you somehow were teleported here by mistake, am I right?" The girl asked. Dante nodded, a bit confused. She sighed. "Of course. What's your name?"  
  
"I am Dante, the son of Sparda! My job is hunting devils!" He established confidently, flexing his muscles (will that beer ever wear off?). She nodded slowly with a confused smile. The men behind her sort of sniggered at his answer.  
  
"Okay! Dante, do you need somewhere to stay?" She asked nervously. He nodded again. "Ok, come on in." With that she let him in and closed the door, wondering if he would be the last one.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Vivi: Your so full of yourself...  
  
Author: you mean shit?  
  
Vivi: ...yeahhhhhh. Sure, Kupo.  
  
Legolas: Kupo?  
  
Sephiroth: Yes, Kupo. The sound that a dying moogle makes when I'm... Oh, er, never mind. Heheh.  
  
Author: I LOVE JOHNNY THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Legolas: I thought you loved us?  
  
Link: Yeah, I'm sad now.  
  
Kuja: Me too. Squeeze me.  
  
Sephiroth: What's that? I think that's the sound of no one caring! (Johnny, or Nny, walks in with his assorted knife collection.)  
  
Johnny: YOU PETHETIC FLIES WITH YOUR UNWIELDING LITTLE MINDS!!! DIE!!!!!!! (Pulls out knives and goes to chop up people)  
  
Sephiroth, Kain, Dante: KILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Pulls out their swords as well. Johnny, Sephiroth, Kain, and Dante attack each other in a desperate attempt to kill off one other. Blood spews into the air, eternal organs fly, bones splinter, ect.)  
  
Vivi: Talk about your average blood bathe.  
  
Author: This is Vivi (TM). He's not really Vivi. Vivi is a fictitious character, all names have been changed to protect the innocent and unworthy. Oh! I bought The Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers and can pause on Lego whenever I want to feel wicked satisfaction.  
  
Legolas: . I don't fear you, I just hate that nickname!  
  
Author: TOO BAD! I MADE YOU HERE! I CAN UNMAKE YOU HERE! (Johnny, Sephiroth, Kain, and Dante are still stabbing the crap out of each other in the background.) Remember kids, When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off.  
  
Hojo: NO! The correct quote is: When life throws you lemons... genetically re-engineer the lemon tree to eliminate taste compatibility issues, using the profits to increase personal gain and eventually dominate the citrus market. (Everyone freezes in place and stares at Hojo. He looks confused.) What is it?  
  
Sephiroth: (lunges for Hojo with his Masamune, Hojo shrieks like a little girl) KIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain, Johnny, and Dante: (look at one another, shrugs) KILL!!!!!!!! (Joins Sephiroth in stabbing Hojo to death)  
  
Vincent: (walks in and sees the four ganging up on Hojo) ...... SWEET!!!!!!!!! (turns into Chaos and flies into the blood bathe)  
  
Author: (Sips on Lemonade while watching the gory scene with Legolas, Vivi, and Kuja before them) I'm getting hungry. Who's up for a trip to subway?  
  
Kuja: Ohhhhh!!! Me! I have to watch my calorie intake so it would be the best place for me to go! I'm on a diet.  
  
Legolas: ... Right. What is this 'subway' you speak of?  
  
Vivi: Stabity death...  
  
Author: ?!?!? What?!?!? Were you raised in the wilderness? - Oh wait, my bad. "Middle Earth," gotcha.  
  
Vivi: Spoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon! (the four boys got back up from pummeling Hojo to death. They were covered in blood, eternal organs, and more blood.)  
  
Kain: Mmmmmmm, death.  
  
Hojo: (barely alive) Wanna see me pull a tapeworm out of my ass?  
  
Johnny: (decapitates Hojo) I'm going to Taco Smell now. So you can all go to F*&%ing hell!  
  
Author: Good bye, Nny! Say hello to Squee for me! Yes! Tune in next chapter to see flying beaver spawn from Norway and Kuja's underwear collection from Victoria Secret! Is there nothing sacred in this world anymore?!  
  
Kuja: Hey, I told you not to tell anyone! Waaaaaaah! (Runs off crying)  
  
Vivi: (very disgusted) Kuuuuupo. (Decides to chase after Kuja with a knife, he screams in the background at Kuja) THIS IS FOR MAKING ME A HERMAPHIDITE!!!!!!!! (Kuja could be heard shrieking)  
  
Author: No, actually I don't know what will be in the next chapter of (cheesy announcer voice kicks in) MOOGLES GONE WILD!!!!!!!!! So you all are ganna have to wait and see! Later 


	8. Chapter 8 subliminalmessage:EatPie

Chapter 8  
  
Author: No author notes. People hate them, so they aren't ganna F*CKING GET THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a Ninja!  
  
Sephiroth, Vincent and others: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww... Damn you people!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Morning finally came, Aeris rose out of bed, groggy from the lack of sleep due to all the events of last night. She promptly made her bed and dressed herself, in her usual pink dress and her hair up in a braid. She left her room and came into the hallway. Sephiroth was still asleep from what she could tell. She smiled to herself and went towards his door, preparing to awake him.  
  
Sephiroth laid naked in bed, since he was used to sleeping that way (don't you worry, the sheets cover him well), and stared at the ceiling. He was beginning to get hungry. He then heard someone knock, which was probably Aeris. She always knocked to wake him up in the mornings. Yet after the knocking, the knocker opened the door and walked in. It WAS Aeris.  
  
"Er, Aeris, I'm in the nude here. I wouldn't come if I were you in unless you want to see a REAL man!" Sephiroth warned her, yet she came to the bedside, Sephiroth stared at her. She was breathing heavily.  
  
"Oh, Sephiroth, how CAN I resist your manliness!" Aeris said, beginning to unbutton her pink dress and dropping it to the ground, revealing her body to him. Sephiroth's jaw dropped. "Sephiroth, my love, your raw sex appeal just summons me to your side! No longer can I take any more of this overwhelming desire for you unchaste me! ENOUGH TALK! You must ravish me, you handsome god of evilness! Take me now!" Aeris jumped into the bed and laid beside him.  
  
"Um. OKAY! Here, just let me get on top..." Sephiroth said, crawling over her.  
  
"YES! Hurry, I cannot wait any longer!" Aeris cried out. Sephiroth position himself and... THUMP! Sephiroth had fallen out of bed and awoke on the floor, cursing all the while at what he realized.  
  
"DAMN YOU DREAM!" Sephiroth bellowed and beat the floor with his fists, he heard Aeris continue to knock on his door and calling his name. Sephiroth got off the floor, still naked.  
  
"Sephiroth? Are you ok?" She gave up her knocking and opened the door before Sephiroth could say anything. The first thing she saw when she opened the door was Sephiroth, naked, and in front of her. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SICK BASTARD!!! PUT ON SOME DAMN CLOTHES!!!!!!" And with that, she ran down stairs blindly while covering her eyes.  
  
Meanwhile... In Dante's dream...  
  
Dante was riding on a mechanical pony squealing giddily. He was giggling with laughter for quite a while until the pony stopped. Dante quickly reached in for more quarters in his pocket, finally pulling one out, only slip out of his grasp and roll into a nearby sewage drain.  
  
"DAMN!" He shouted and went for more quarters. Yet, in his futile efforts in his search, he found no more quarters. He let out a heavy sigh and just sat on the pony, staring at it for what seemed like hours.  
  
Meanwhile... In Kuja's dream...  
  
Do you believe in life after love?  
  
I can feel something inside me say  
  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
  
Do you believe in life after love?  
  
I can feel something inside me say  
  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
  
Cher is busy singing and dancing onstage with her many pretty and half naked man-dancers beside her. Kuja's whooping in joy and screaming like a little fan girl. Cher points to him and motions for him to join her. Kuja freaks out and hyperventilates while going onstage. He too begins to dance with the other pretty man-dancers while Cher continues singing.  
  
Meanwhile... In Legolas' dream...  
  
Two men in black suits wearing sunglasses dragged Legolas into a blank white room with a table and two chairs. They sit him on one of the chairs and go to separate corners of the room. The single door into the room opens once again. Elrond walks in wearing his usual Elvish-wear but with one exception, he too wore sunglasses. After he seats himself and a long period of silence in which he removed the sunglasses, Elrond finally speaks. "As you can see, we've had an eye on you for some time. It seems you've been leading two lives, Mr. Greenleaf. In one of these lives, you are an Elven Prince that never leaves the confines of his father's protection in his wooded kingdom. In the other life you are a kick ass ninja-like elf who absent-mindedly follows around a midget boy called Frodo, blindly into the face of doom to destroy a valuable ring. One of these lives has a future; the other does not. We are only asking to have this golden ring I speak of."  
  
"How about I give you the finger, and you give me some lembas and shampoo for my hair." Legolas flips him off and spoke rudely. Elrond lets out a 'humph' and replaced his sunglasses.  
  
"Tell me, Mr. Greenleaf, what use is lembas bread and shampoo if there is no spoon?" Elrond asked darkly. Legolas screams in terror at his answer.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas cried out in vain.  
  
Meanwhile, again, meanwhile... In the dreams of Kain... Wait, he's not dreaming right now, he's too busy killing people around Midgar for their blood. Oh well.  
  
Meanwhile in Links dream...  
  
Link and Zelda were in her castle courtyard. It was a bright and sunny day in Hyrule, the birds were chirping, the water flowed majestically in the mote around the courtyard and the guards were throwing bombs at any window passerby. Zelda turned to Link and pulled out two bars of chocolate.  
  
"Want some chocolate Link?" Zelda asked.  
  
"Yes, thank you!" Link replied and they happily ate the chocolate. Without any reason at all, the chicken dance song echoed in the air and several giant cuccos appeared and began to dance. Link stared dumbfounded and turned back towards Zelda to find her, Mallon, Saria and Ganandorf dancing as well. He screams and runs out of Hyrule castle and into Hyrule field. Suddenly after that, Gorans fall from the sky around him and try to hug him and then cuccos fly in out of nowhere and begin to chase him. He runs like hell for his life, screaming all the while. Poor Link.  
  
Meanwhile in Don Corneo's dream.... Er, no, nevermind. What's that? You want to hear it!? Really? Okayyyy, you sicko...  
  
Cloud stands in the middle of Don Corneo's office disguised as a girl like in the game, however, instead of Tifa and Aeris, it's Vincent and Sephiroth. Vincent's in Tifa's tight miniskirt and tanktop and Sephiroth is wearing Aeris' pink dress. They are so cleverly disguised, Don Corneo does not know they are really men. He jumps onto his desk, drooling at the three.  
  
"Wheeeeeeee! Oh, YOU ARE ALL PRETTY! I'LL TAKE ALL THREE OF THEM!" Don Corneo cries in joy and they all go into his large room with his large bed. " Come now my pretties! Come to daddy!" After that Cloud, Sephiroth and Vincent pull off their clothes to reveal their own real clothes. Don gasps in surprise. "YOU'RE NOT WEMON!"  
  
"Really, I always thought Cloud was one though." Sephiroth replied.  
  
"Shut up, asshole! Let's just kill this Mother F*cker!" Cloud said.  
  
"Good idea" Vincent agreed. Don Corneo screamed girlishly when they all pulled out their weapons and attacked.  
  
Back in Aeris' kitchen....  
  
Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack  
  
'Eghack! I'm gagging in my mind from how repulsive Sephiroth is!' Aeris thought while she was repetitively bashing her head into the cabinet. When she finally stopped, well, blacked out and fell to the floor, everyone was behind her. Staring. Link went over and began to poke at her unconscious body while Sephiroth came running down the stairs, zipping up his pants in the process. Dante turns to Vincent who stood closest to him.  
  
"She must not be jellin'." Dante said to him. Vincent nodded.  
  
"Jellin' like Mcjellin'." Vincent replied.  
  
"What the hell did you people do to her?!" Sephiroth screamed when he saw her body on the floor. He immediately turned to face Kain, who had come in, covered in innocent peoples remains. Sephiroth pointed darkly at the vampire. "YOU!"  
  
"Whoa, whoa! She knocked herself out!" Kain replied raising his arms innocently.  
  
"Is it hot in here or is it just her?" Dante said. Everybody was too busy encouraging Kain and Sephiroth to fight to hear what he said. He looked from side to side, making sure no one was watching before he picked up Aeris' body. He crept out of the room, before going upstairs carrying her with him. Sephiroth looked up from bashing Kain's face into the edge of the counter and noticed her missing.  
  
"OKAY! WHO THE HELL HAS AERIS?!" Sephiroth fumed. Everything stopped betting on whom would win and looked around.  
  
"Hey, that other damn Sephiroth wannabe is f^(%!#@ missing!" Cid said. And indeed Dante was gone.  
  
"See! I told you!" Kain was enraged.  
  
Up in Aeris' room...  
  
Dante locked the door and took off his jacket and shirt and was beginning to fumble with his belt. However to his dismal, Aeris woke up.  
  
"I'M NOT A TURKEY, DON'T EAT ME!!!!!!!!" She screamed, jolting upright. She looked over and saw Dante half-naked. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ANOTHER PERVERT!!!!!! HE'S GANNA RAPE ME!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I'm not ganna rape you. I just brought you up here because you knocked yourself out." Dante told her.  
  
"THEN YOU WERE GANNA RAPE ME!!!!!!!" Aeris cried.  
  
"No, I was ganna try on this nifty costume I found." Dante said, holding up Sephiroth's old Shinra military uniform.  
  
"Oh. Well, ok. There's a bathroom over there." Aeris said, embarrassed. She pulled the sheets of her bed over her head to cover herself.  
  
"Oh, ok, thanks." Dante told her and went into the bathroom to change. Sephiroth kicked open Aeris' locked door, busting the handle at the same time. Aeris screamed and pulled the covers off herself.  
  
"WHERE THE FU-" Sephiroth roared before he was cut off by Aeris' angry voice.  
  
"Sephiroth, shut up for a moment." Aeris told him in a dark voice. It intimidated Sephiroth, silencing him immediately. Aeris got off her bed and walked over to Sephiroth and her now busted door where everyone else peeked in. "May I ask, WHY THE HELL DID YOU BRAKE MY DOOR DOWN?!!!"  
  
"Well, I thought you were being raped. I heard you scream it from downstairs, SO WHERE IS THE MOTHER FU-" Sephiroth was cut off again when Dante came out of Aeris' bathroom, dressed in Sephiroth's uniform. "OH! I GET IT NOW! Dressing up as me and THEN raping her! YOU SICK FU-"  
  
"CLONES! CLONES I SAY! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!" Tseng screamed outside Aeris' window with a camera in hand before slipping and falling off the roof. Aeris slammed her fist into her other hand in a conclusive way.  
  
"I KNEW he was taking pictures of me while I slept, and all theses years..." Aeris walked by her broken door, Sephiroth, and the others. She made her way downstairs.  
  
"Ehem." Dante cleared his throat.  
  
"Huh? Oh, oh yeah. HOW DAMN YOU, YOU FU-" Sephiroth keeps getting interrupted, doesn't he.  
  
"Hey, who's up for a trip to Gold Saucer?!" Aeris yelled from downstairs. Cid, Vincent, and the others all stormed downstairs, leaving Sephiroth all alone. Next to Aeris' shattered door. He hung his head in defeat and finally dragged himself downstairs. Sephiroth came down to find everyone packed and ready to go. Cid's Airship was parked right outside the door.  
  
"Cid, you better hope to the gods that you didn't land on any of my flowers...." Aeris growled at Cid.  
  
"Sheesh, woman! I didn't touch your damn flowers!" Cid grumbled walking from the kitchen with a new beer.  
  
"Why the hell are we going to Gold Saucer?!" Sephiroth asked Aeris.  
  
"Uh, hello! Birthday girl here! I wanna go see the cute little fat moogles and go on rides so shut up or don't go!" Aeris replied, angrily.  
  
"But your birthday was yesterday!" Sephiroth groaned.  
  
"Fine, stay here and fix my door." Aeris snapped, folding her arms.  
  
"But I don't wanna!!!!!!" Sephiroth whined like a five-year-old.  
  
"THEN SHUT UP! And get a shirt on." Aeris told him while loading her bags. Sephiroth had forgotten he was only wearing his pants. "We'll be staying there for several days so bring what you need."  
  
"Hey, Miss Aeris, what is Gold Saucer?" Kuja asked.  
  
"Yeah, where the heck are we going?" Link, too, was curious.  
  
"And what is this monstrosity?!" Legolas said, still staring at the Highwind.  
  
"It looks like a giant weird helicopter thingy!" Dante said in awe, he still wore Sephiroth's old uniform.  
  
"It looks stupid to me." Kain snorted. Cid turned to them all with his eyes narrowed dangerously.  
  
"You all better F(%*ING SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES AND NOT F$%*@ING INSULT MY BABY!!" Cid screamed at them. They all silenced their bickering. Well, some at least.  
  
"mmmmmmm, Pie...." Vincent could be heard saying.  
  
"YOU TOO, YOU VAMPIRE BITCH!" Cid was hasn't had his hourly smoke yet and the nicotine cravings are killing him so please, understand.  
  
"OKAY! Are we all ready to go?" Aeris asked once Sephiroth was back into his Kingdom Hearts costume. Yay. Everyone nodded and began to board the Highwind.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sephiroth: YOU WERE SOOO GANNA RAPE HER!!!!!!!  
  
Dante: Wellllllll...  
  
Sephiroth: HA! YOU SEE!!!!!! I TOLD YOU HE WAS A SICK FU-  
  
Author: Remember! No author notes! Nyah!!!!!!!  
  
Legolas, Kain, and Vincent: But!  
  
Author: No.  
  
Kuja, Dante, and Sephiroth: BUT!  
  
Author: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	9. The trip to Coral, candy is yummy!

Author: So, as I thought, people want my author notes, eh? I feel very flattered.  
  
Kain: (paws Author/Aeris' chest) Or flat. (A new tide of pain ebbed Kain as Author/Aeris beat him bloody with a pick ax that happened to lie nearby.)  
  
Leg-o-lamb: Hahaha, he's all bloo- HEY! What the hell did you do to my name?!  
  
Link: Hahahahahah! Leg-o-lamb! Mwahahaha!  
  
Author: Just because I don't have Tifa tits doesn't mean I am flat! (Finished killing Kain) I think it's cute!  
  
Lego's lass: WTF?!?!?!?!!!! QUIT IT!!! THAT'S JUST GAY!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: He's a chick now, I knew it! Hahaha! Aeris/Author said tits! Hahaha!  
  
Kuja: Is he really a chick?  
  
Dante: Yeeeeeep.  
  
Leggy pooh: WHY THE F(*%$ DID MY FATHER GIVE ME THIS STUPID NAME?!?!? (Runs off crying)  
  
Vincent: Cause your gay. Oops, did I just say that aloud?! Crap, my cold exterior is wearing off.  
  
Author: He's not gay, he's as straight as all of you. Well. (Looks at Kuja who doesn't take any notice of her glance) Let's just get on with this thing, people are literally stalking me and whispering randomly to me in my ear to write more. Now I really don't mind, but when you're under my table making moose sounds or in the air vents while I'm in the bathroom, I do mind. Please, I just need reviews, not stalkers. Anyway, on with the damn story. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter errrrrrrrrr let me check, oh ok! Yeah, Chapter 9  
  
Cid lit up another cig as he stood piloting the Highwind, cursing at everything under his breath the whole time. His little crewmembers were on vacation somewhere in Costa Del Sol. He swore at them even if he was the one who let them have the time off. He was beginning to have the urge of going to the bathroom, he cursed his bladder.  
  
"Hey, Goth boy! Get over here and hold this #%*^ing thing for me!" Cid commanded as he left for the bathroom. Vincent held the wheel with his claw, oblivious of what to do, in a same direction for the ten minutes Cid was in the bathroom. As you know, ten minutes in the same direction on the Highwind means circling the planet about six times. That is exactly what happened until Cid threw Vincent off (who was beginning to get giddy while steering the thing) and cursed him until Vincent's ears bled.  
  
Meanwhile... tralalalaallaaaa....  
  
"The sky is fair, man, the sky is fair!" Dante (who is still wearing Sephiroth's original uniform) cried out on the deck while leaning on the railing, spreading his arms out like the chick off of the Titanic movie. "And it will always be above everyone's head, no different! I like turkeys!"  
  
Sephiroth, Kuja, Kain, Legobeans-  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "CHANGE IT BACK!!!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"Fine, fine... Crybaby." Aeris replied the pie. "I'm only trying to add humor here, the people out there demand it."  
  
"W-well! I, I don't appreciate it! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW! WHAAAAA!!!!" Legolas runs off crying. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Where were we..... Ah, yes! Sephiroth, Kuja, Kain, Legolisp- err, Legolas (so tempting, so very, very tempting! Elvish people are funny!), and Link stared at Dante from inside the bowels of the Highwind. (Hehehe.) Aeris was too busy sleeping in one of the sleeping quarters somewhere else.  
  
"Gawd! If someone sees him in my uniform doing that, they're ganna assume it's me out there, acting like a stupid retard." Sephiroth growled, pulling at his bangs.  
  
"HOLD ME JACK!" Dante squealed into the breeze. *Sweat drops blot unto Sephiroth's face*  
  
"Well, they're going to be right even if it's not you." Link muttered, Sephiroth turned at him with flames igniting around him dramatically. "Err, I didn't say that."  
  
"Bullfugginshiznese!" Sephiroth roared, ready to pound the little virgin elf into the ground. Kuja and Kain didn't want to be in the middle of the fight so they hopped off the stairs and ran to a safe distance. Aeris walked into the scene, yawning from the nap pickle juice.  
  
"Sephiroth, leave the little Keabler elf alone, he needs to make the cookies!" Aeris shouted at him.  
  
"Mmmm, cookies. The pastry of the night." Vincent said, walking in to join them all, leaving Cid all alone. Poor Cid.  
  
"What the F*^% do cookies have to do with- Um.... Hey, cookies, yeah, cool." Sephiroth jumped down, leaving I eat muffins Link to recover his cool.  
  
(Subliminal messages are fun, kids! Try them at home, but make sure you have an adult to help you. They work wonders when it comes to world domination! Hitler, George W. Bush, Satan, and Brittany Spears all used 'em and so can you!)  
  
"Hey, where are Dante and Legolas?" Aeris asked, looking around.  
  
"Dante's up on the deck, destroying Sephiroth's reputation and I don't know where Lego went." Kuja answered. "By the way, what do you use on your hair, Sephiroth?"  
  
"NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!" Sephiroth barked at the pretty sorcerer.  
  
"He uses a lot a Pantene Pro-V. His hair is so expensive; I have to buy twice as much now for him. Oh, and he spends A LOT of time making it all pretty." Aeris told them.  
  
"AERIS, NO! SHUT UP!" Sephiroth howled, running in circles.  
  
"He spends about an hour combing it, then another hour blow-drying it after he gets out of the shower, then another to comb it some more, and sometimes he-" Aeris said but Sephiroth was now screaming for her to shut up.  
  
"THEY DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS!" Sephiroth shouted at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Sometimes, he spends hours just straightening it with one of those hair straightening irons, he keeps it in his trench coat." Aeris finished. "Seriously, I don't see how you have time to be evil and all when you spend half the time on your hair, even I don't spend that much time on mine."  
  
"I don't see what's so bad about it." Kuja stated, everyone glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"THAT IS SOOOOOO UNTRUE!!!!" Sephiroth cried out in despair. It was then that Dante came in from outside, holding the straightening iron up for everyone to see.  
  
"Hey! Is this yours, Aeris? I found it in Sephiroth's jacket thingy." Dante declared. Everyone began to laugh with the exception of Kuja, Sephiroth, who was enraged and distressed at the same time, and Dante, who didn't know what was going on. However, Dante began to smile.  
  
"I'm smiling because I don't know what's going on." Dante chimed to himself.  
  
"Oh, my god, Sephiroth! We have something in common!" (Valley Girl) Kuja smiled, pushing away strands of his own fluffy hair.  
  
"I want to die right now. Someone, aim for my head." Sephiroth muttered after slapping his forehead in an overwhelming disgust.  
  
Back with Lego... las, Legolas! Yeah! Back with Legolas.....  
  
"What is this?! Can I touch it? How do you make one of these? What's this thing called? They aren't edible, are they? Did you get this from Saruman? Does this thing make tea? What does this do? Ect, ect, ect." Legolas was poking around the mechanical part of the room where Cid was steering, asking numerous and endless questions. Legolas kept going on and on. Cid just kept smoking on and on until he finally snapped. (Viewer digression advised)  
  
"WILL YOU SHUT THE *%#$#M (*&y%^$* C$&#&a^%t*(& *L&%i#%^k*% ^e $s%#T# *%u(*%n^$a* UP!!!!!!!!!" Cid had gone through three packs of cigs once Legolas' questions ceased.  
  
"..." Legolas stayed silent for quite some time after that. He began to get bored. Yet, with his elvin eyes of sight (Available now for a limited time! They allow you to see things the naked (oh!) eye cannot! Just like the eye of truth! [Side effects may include; uncontrollable spasms of vomiting, the urge to watch 'Gone with the Wind' repetitively, and you all to worship me! DO IT, DAMN YOU, I COMMAND IT! SQUEEEEEEEEEEK!] Buy yours now before time runs out!), Legolas was able to spot Cid's cabinet full of never ending cigarettes. Immediately, the flaxen haired elf went over to investigate. He picked up a box and sniffed it. He gagged at the stench of them, but was also struck with an idea. Legolas then pulled out Gandalf's secret stash of Old Toby (a weed they smoke in Lord of the Rings for all those who are mentally unstable and/or don't know jack squat of LotR. I'm listening to Slipknot right now, I don't know why though, hehehe!) and placed it in one of the cigarette packs before walking away. Legolas pranced off to join everyone else in the other part of the ship.  
  
"Damn little ($%$s! I should kick their (%&*#@^$*&%#$@E *^ *%*^$at&# @#&P&$#ie^#!" Cid muttered, finishing his cigarette and going for another one only to discover it empty. "(%$#(&^*&^$(&^!!!!!!!"  
  
Cid went over to his cabinet of cigs to grab another pack. Coincidentally, he picked up the pack that Legolas tampered with. He pulled out one of the Old Toby (joints) and lit it up, not noticing it being different from his normal cigs until after taking a long drag. Cid looked at in surprise. (Uh oh, today is swear-like-a-sailor day.) "Whoa! This is some good shit!"  
  
Back in the other room......Meow....  
  
"So you first killed her?" Link asked Sephiroth.  
  
"Yup. She was praying and I came down and stabbed her in the back." Sephiroth told them, guilt fully. Aeris did not hear the conversation because she was too busy forcing pants onto Kuja.  
  
"PUT 'EM ON! YOUR NOT GOING OUT IN PUBLIC IN DRAG!!!!" Aeris yelled out Kuja, reluctantly he put them on after she pulled out the Piko hammer.  
  
"And now you're trying to get in her pants?" Kain asked Sephiroth, trying to get him to admit.  
  
"NO, no, not really- I MEAN, no, not at all!" Sephiroth fidgeted, batting his eyes and trying not to look suspicious. However, Aeris heard Kain's question and shot a questioning look.  
  
"Get in my pants? I'm not wearing pants! YOU SICKOS! Keep back! I have a stick!" Aeris shouted at them, holding up her battle staff. The guys only looked at each other, well, except for Dante. He was looking at the magazine Aeris got for her birthday from Cid, he found it with the Sephiroth uniform too. Naughty Sephiroth.  
  
"Hey, who else here wants to show her how little security she has?" Sephiroth asked with an evil grin.  
  
"Me." Sephiroth, Dante, Legolas, and Kain all began to close in around her like a pack of vicious hyenas. Vincent, Link and Kuja watched in shock and intended to see how this would end.  
  
"Obey my authorite!" Aeris hollered and twirled around her staff, making contact with their faces. The four of them were now lying on the ground with several bloody noses. Aeris stepped up on their bodies and did a little victory pose. "Hahah! I am the strongest woman alive! Hehehe!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chun Li: NO! I am the strongest woman alive! EAT MY FIST FURY! I give you cool head punchies!  
  
General Bison: Oh! Sexy pigtail chick in spandex!  
  
Chun Li: Eeeeeeeeeew! (Punches Bison away)  
  
Ranma: Hey! I'm pigtailed chick (throws cold water on himself and transforms into girl) See!  
  
Author: ....... For those of you who actually know what I just said, shoot me. All others, just ignore this. Yes, uhhuh. Why of course, sure. Yes, yes- no! No. NO! NO I DIDN'T!!! SICKO! EW! LEAVE ME ALONE! AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Anyways... While Aeris was preoccupied with her little victory dance, Dante, Kain, Sephiroth, and Legolas fooled her good and dog piled onto her. Aeris squeaked in surprise as they tumbled on top of her. They all grabbed her and held her down while she kicked, hit, bit, and clawed at them. Finally they got her tired out, but not without having quite a few bloody marks on each of them.  
  
"RAPE! RAPE! I AM BEING RAPED!" Aeris yelped. (okay, she's not being raped.) Sephiroth hogged tied her and sat near her with a busted lip, black eye, bloody nose, bite marks on his hands to where they were bleeding and lets not forget being kicked in the, err, groin (all thanks to Aeris). "OH! WHEN I GET OUT OF THESE, SEPHIROTH, YOU ARE SOOOOO GANNA DIE!!!!"  
  
"Give up. Say you give up and that us men are superior and we'll untie you." Sephiroth cooed to her, patting her head lightly while trying to stop his blood flowing out of his wounds. She snapped at his hand as if to bite him again.  
  
"Oooooh! She is soooooo vulnerable like this!" Kain purred with an aroused look in his eyes, well, one eye. The other one was swelling shut from being hit by Aeris' wrist gauntlets.  
  
"..." Aeris glared at them in a fierce manner. Anger is bad for her complexion. Grrr. _  
  
"Just give it up, Aeris. We are too powerful for you so, ha!" Dante said with a quick laugh. Aeris was now steaming mad and daggers were in her eyes.  
  
"FIRE 3!!!!!!!!" Aeris shouted. Within seconds, Legolas, Dante, Kain, and Sephiroth were screaming and running in circles because their hair was on fire.  
  
"AHHHHHH!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"IT BURNS! DEAR GODS IT BURNS!" Dante shrieked. Sephiroth was already doing the Stop-Drop-and Roll routine and Kain used his dark vampire power's to turn into mist to put the fire out. The sprinkler system came on, soaking everything.  
  
"MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR, IT'S RUINED!" Kuja screeched, running to the outside deck and trying to cover his hair from the water.  
  
"......" Vincent stood there, silent as always, getting drench from the water.  
  
"Wheeeeeeee! How spiffy! The ceiling is raining! Are we in a giant cloud?" Link asked.  
  
"Hehehehehhehe!" Aeris giggled, still tied up and on the floor. "I'm happy again!"  
  
Before anyone could recover, the Highwind jerked sharply to the side, sending everyone hurdling to one side of the ship. The sprinkler system finally stopped after everyone steadied themselves on the now bumpy ship. Aeris was screaming to be untied, Sephiroth was running over to help her and everyone else was either grasping on to something or screaming bloody murder. Sephiroth untied Aeris before the ship jolted again causing Aeris to fall into Sephiroth's arms.  
  
"There's something happening in the cockpit! Cid must be in trouble!" Aeris said. Her eyes locked on the door leading to the room where Cid was. Sephiroth, however, didn't seem to care about that and was only focused on the worried Aeris in his arms. He casually bent over and pulled her deeper into the embrace, as well as inhaling her sweet scented perfume. Aeris noticed this and carelessly pushed away to get up and run over to the door to the cockpit. Sephiroth sighed and followed until another jolt occurred, sending them to their knees again. Aeris let out a yelp of pain after tripping on a pipe, Sephiroth ran to her side again.  
  
"Are you alright?" Sephiroth inquired as he examined her ankle.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just help me up, we need to see what's happening!" Aeris replied, looking up into his face. He nodded and pulled her up with him. They made their way into the cockpit room. Once they came in, they noticed that Cid was not at the wheel. He was giggling on the floor as he stared at the ceiling. "Cid! What happened?!"  
  
"Are those rice crispy creepy kids, Snap, Crackle and Pop, rejects of the Keabler elves?" Cid asked between giggles. He then began to dart his bloodshot eyes back and forth. "Heyyyyyyyy! You're here to take my muffins, aren't you?! AEREN'T YOU, DAMN IT!"  
  
"Uh, what the hell?!" Sephiroth looked at Aeris with a questioning glance. He looked back down at Cid and noticed the joints next to his body. "Er, I think he's high."  
  
"WHAT?! How the hell are we going to land this thing?!" Aeris asked looking out the window, watching what was left of North Crater pass beneath them for the fifth time.  
  
"Um, I dunno." Sephiroth replied looking around at the different buttons around the wheel. He grabbed the wheel and began to steer. Soon, they were near Coral, circling around high above. Sephiroth went back to examining the control panel full of buttons and at last pushed one. The Highwind descended to the ground slowly, the engine powering down as well. In the end, the Highwind was on solid ground, landed squarely in front of the entrance to Coral town. Aeris was wide mouth staring at him.  
  
"Since when did they teach generals how to fly big ships?!" Aeris asked in amazement.  
  
"They don't." He told her.  
  
"Then how did you figure out how to land?" Aeris questioned in surprise.  
  
"I pushed the 'x' button, it says it right here on the instruction panel." Sephiroth pointed to it. Aeris stared at it dumbfounded, feeling stupid for freaking out so much about the issue. Sephiroth was trying very hard not to laugh at her, she shot him a fierce glare. Though they didn't notice, she stood next to a cabinet labeled: For Sale: One Parachute. Used Once. Never Opened. Slightly Stained. "Hey, nobody's perfect.... well, there was this one guy, but I killed him. So, yeah, nobody's perfect."  
  
"Okay, let's just go now." She said in an annoyed tone, stepping over the now singing Cid.  
  
"The little butterflies sing to my grandmaaaaaaaa!" Cid sang to himself. Aeris and Sephiroth just looked at him.  
  
"Did you notice that he doesn't curse when he's high?" She asked him. He nodded and they left. Cid looked around slowly.  
  
"Buggles! BUGGLES! My kittens! Saw the fluff luffa with a cookie!" Cid sniggered before passing out.  
  
Back in the other room.... (Pikachu is Evilllllllllll!)  
  
"We aren't moving anymore!" Link cried from the floor of the ship. The other's began to get up and Aeris and Sephiroth came out into the room.  
  
"What happened?" Kain demanded.  
  
"Cid was high, I didn't know he did pot." Aeris replied. (Don't smoke that stuff, kiddies, unless you want to cough up cats and tinker toys. Trust me, my neighbor had a bad experience with that stuff.)  
  
"He's never smoked that stuff before." Vincent told her. They began to look troubled about the whole topic.  
  
"...." Legolas was shaking nervously and sweating like a pedophile in a nursery. His eyes were darting to and fro, trying as hard as he could not to look suspicious.  
  
"Oh well, let's hurry up and get to Gold Saucer." Aeris suggested, skipping up to the upper deck. When she opened the door, she found Kuja clinging to the railing of the ship for dear life. She had forgotten that he ran out here to save his hair from the sprinklers inside.  
  
"Oh, poor Kuja. Come on, it's okay. We're on the ground now, lets go!" Aeris smiled and talked to him as if he were a small child. He let go and clung to her arm, still shaking from shock. They disembarked off the Highwind to the grassy plain before Coral. "OKAY! Are we ready to have a lot of fun?!"  
  
"Uhhhhhhhhh." Everyone groaned unsure.  
  
"Okay!" Aeris chirped with a smile. And with that, she skipped into the entrance to Coral.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author: HAHAHAHAHHAH! Heh, heh, yeah.  
  
Link: I'm hungry.  
  
Legolas: Well, I crave chocolate.  
  
Dante: I look sexy in Sephiroth's outfit.  
  
Sephiroth: I never want to hear that sentence again if you value your life.  
  
Dante: Whadya ganna do? Iron my hair out with your little girly fufu iron thingy?  
  
Kain: Hahahahah!  
  
Sephiroth: SHUT THE (^%$ UP!  
  
Author: Such language! For shame, Sephy, for shame! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. I'm very sorry that I didn't finish it earlier, I kept getting laid back in other crap.  
  
Kuja: Like your pretty website!  
  
Author: Yes, that's one of the things. In fact, I'm pretty much finished making it with some exceptions but feel free to visit it. The url thingy is uh, crap, I forgot. I'm too lazy to look it up right now so just click on my fanfiction.net author profile to see it. It should be something like:  
  
www.geocities.com/aeriscetra22/  
  
or something like that. Go there and see my crap. THEN LAUGH AT IT! I DEMAND IT OF YOU MERE MORTALS! Damn, I am tired. I just had a sugar crash. I need sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep.  
  
Kain: Ooooooh! Come! I'll let you sleep with me!  
  
Sephiroth: Push off! No way in hell she's ganna do that!  
  
Author: (falls asleep on keyboard) gbgtfcrtgvtbvrbfdjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj  
  
Legolas: Hey! Wake up! You're typing weird things with your head, dammit!  
  
Author: mm,.,m,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...........jujuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuu  
  
Sephiroth: Riiiight.  
  
Kain: (looks around to see if anyone's looking before beginning to feel up Aeris/Author)  
  
Vincent: Uh, Kain? What the hell?  
  
Kain: !!!!!!!!!!! (tries looking innocent) I just dropped my car keys somewhere near her.  
  
Kuja: You don't have a car. None of us do, wait... What about you, Dante?  
  
Dante: I have a motorcycle.  
  
Legolas: I have a horsy.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, these people out there don't care. This is ending now.  
  
Author: (mumbling in sleep) Sephiroth, Kain, Dante, Vincent and Legolas all OOZE sex appeal from every pore and orifice.  
  
Link and Kuja: What about us?  
  
Sephiroth: Now we know what goes on in her dreams. I'm ganna use my weird psycic controlly powers to go into them to, like I did with Cloud. Then I can, hehehe, do things in her dreams.  
  
Vincent: End this now! Damn it!  
  
Sephiroth: Fine! Geeze! Go away people and go to her sight, now! NOW! 


	10. Is this a dating game? And a look at the...

Chapter 10  
  
Author: Oh my gods! We're already at chapter ten, and I'm only half way done with the whole story! Sorry I've been away for so long off the computer, I'm actually grounded for all eternity until your grandchildren are wrinkled and gassy. And it's my damn sister's entire fault. Well, and mine but we won't go into details about the bloodshed, the merciless screeches and everything else, my cat is staring at me again. I'd like to thank everyone that has reviewed and sat endlessly at his or her computers for the next chapters of my story! I love you all, well, not it THAT sort of way. Well, unless you look like Sephy-poo here.  
  
Sephiroth: Hi.  
  
Author: Then you could come over any time! Other than that, yeah, um... thank you! (Throws lemurs, lemons and sugar into the audience) And thank you for going to my web sight. Except for that guy, uh, Joe. Heh. Yeah. Um, I'm eating a Bisquick biscuit; they give you a 5 percent increase of yuuuuuuuummy!  
  
Sephiroth: I don't need biscuits, I'm already yummy, heheheh.  
  
Author: so far, all of this story is 77 pages, that's the longest I've ever written for a single story on the computer, but for pen and papper, I've probably filled several notebooks full of story crap. Heh, not that anyone cares.  
  
Kain: Trust us, we don't.  
  
Link: Kain is edible.  
  
Dante: Hey, am I edible?  
  
Author: Oooooooooooh Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so twisted right now.  
  
Vincent: Me too!  
  
Kuja: I can't wait till X-2 comes out! The battles will be like playing dress up with Barbies.  
  
Everyone else: .....  
  
Author: just smile and nod.  
  
Kuja: What?! That's what you do!  
  
Author: I know, and that's why I love you, Kuja. Now quit running around without pants on! (throws baggy pants at him) Your thighs are prettier than mine and I'm getting jealous just looking at them!  
  
Everyone else: (stares at her, Kuja puts on the pants)  
  
Kain: (feels up Aeris/Author's legs) Mmmmmmm. (he is soon beaten into the ground by a Star Wars book. Don't ask me why it was a Star Wars book, I don't know.)  
  
Author: Okay! Lets just begin this.  
  
All: Right!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Somewhere where a peacock was not at, Aeris and her gang of sexy/hot/pretty/edible guys marched up to the gates of Coral. They all observed the piles of wreckage between halfway built houses and growing grass as they went through it. Aeris searched for any sign of her large one- armed friend. She grinned with joy when she could hear the cursing of a deep voiced man and ran to the area she heard him at. Aeris came to a house that was being painted and she saw Barret cursing at the workers because they were using the wrong colored paint.  
  
"Greetings earthling! We come in peace." Aeris said in as deep as a voice she could. Barret looked up and smiled at Aeris, yet that expression changed when he saw Sephiroth and the other strange looking guys.  
  
"Hey der Aeris, who the (#^@ are dose mofos behind that sick assed Sephiroth pussy?!" Barret's tongue was rather hard to understand as he talked in his gangster/rapper voice. Sephiroth immediately didn't like him, not that he was planning to or anything.  
  
"We're all heading to Gold Saucer because I had some unexpected, uh, er, friends drop by." Aeris replied with a warm smile. Barret just nodded slowly with suspicion.  
  
"You sure you ain't startin' no harem of Sephiroth bastards? Cause it sure as hell looks like it!" Barret eyed her carefully. Aeris laughed at the thought of it, yet she noted it wasn't a bad idea.  
  
"No, but Sephiroth is Aeris' stripping bitch." Cid told the burly man Barret and several other guys laughed. Sephiroth was fisting his hands and trying to keep cool.  
  
"No, no, Barret. I see you've been busy rebuilding Coral with the excess gil we got off the whole 'kill Sephiroth' adventure. Good work." Aeris said.  
  
'oh, yeah! Get rich by killing the mislead evil guy, sure.... bastards.' Sephiroth thought in his beautiful head.  
  
"Yeah, it's takin' a while but we're ganna be a prosperous town again!" Barret announced proudly.  
  
"I'm happy for you, oh, and thank you for the beautiful wooden jewelry box you sent me for my birthday, it's quite lovely!" Aeris smiled.  
  
"You're welcome, it used ta be my wife's but I think you should have it. Sniff." Barret began to sob at the remembrance of his wife. Vincent walked over and patted him on the back.  
  
"I mourn with you on the passing of our lost loves." Vincent told him as they both began to moan in grief. Aeris tried to comfort them while the other guys only rolled their eyes.  
  
After Aeris thanked him again, she said goodbye and continued on her way to the Gold Saucer lift gate, followed by the boys. They hurried up and crammed into the lift and waited till it took off. When they arrived at the Gold Saucer entrance, everyone spilled out of the lift car like pudding (can you spill pudding?). They were immediately approached by some fat middle aged bald man in a chocobo suit, (oh, my god! It's my second grade teacher! No, I'm just kidding. My second grade teacher couldn't fit into a chocobo suit if they used butter.)  
  
"Kwi! Welcome to Gold Saucer!" The hyper man said, shoving another Snickers into his mouth through the mouthpiece of the costume. Dante screamed.  
  
"IT'S SATAN!!!!!" He cried out, jabbing a finger towards the now confused man.  
  
"I'm not Satan." The man replied.  
  
"THE HELL YOU'RE NOT!" Dante objected. He pulled out his father's sword and prepared to attack.  
  
"BAH! So you have found me, Pikachu spawn! Have at you!" the man turned into the limbless Monty Python and hopped onto Dante's head, who desperately tried to stab him off. He then hopped off and away, disappearing in a crowd of people in desperate attempt to escape. Dante quickly pursued him with his sword held high in the air, running past the hordes of people. When the people all noticed the Sephiroth uniform Dante wore and his silver hair, they began running insanely about, screaming that Sephiroth had returned to kill them all. However, Dante still followed the escaping Satan.  
  
"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about paying for him. And, it's nice to know that my name still puts fear in the mass' hearts." Sephiroth said when the chaos ceased.  
  
"Ha! I don't need to pay for any of you. I have a lifetime ticket for this place." Aeris chimed, waving the ticket in the air. "Let's go, guys!"  
  
They went in using the ticket and came to the large room that allowed them to decide where they wanted to go. Aeris looked at each slide-thingy and finally turned back around.  
  
"So! Where do we all want to go?" Aeris asked the boys. No reply. She turned around and found most of them arguing.  
  
"I'M TAKING HER!" Sephiroth screamed, kicking the other two guys he was arguing with.  
  
"NO, I'M TAKING HER OUT TONIGHT!" Legolas punched him in the face.  
  
"HELL! I THINK NOT!" Kain bellowed, trying to stab the other off. Aeris was quite flattered but also so excited to go on rides that she became irritated quite quickly. So she walked over and bashed them all over the head with her piko hammer. Blood trickled down all their foreheads.  
  
"How about we draw straws!" Link suggested quite rapidly cheerfully. "Then we can each take turns and spend an hour with her."  
  
"...... Yeah, okay. That's fair." The rest mumbled in agreement.  
  
"Don't I have an consent in this?!" Aeris demanded, suspicious that they had all planned this out.  
  
"Uh.... No. Okay! Each of us draws one! We'll go at the same time, and the one with the shortest wins!" Link replied. Aeris smacked her hand to her head in frustration as Link got the straws (from god knows where.). Link gripped his fingers on the straw he wanted and waited while the other men followed his action. (Vincent was left out, since he only viewed Aeris as a friend.... so far. Heheheh). Once everyone looked out their straws, waves of groans followed one after another. Link stood grinning conceitedly as he held the winning straw. "Oh, look at that! I won! How nifty!"  
  
Everyone else glared with flames rising behind them dramatically. Aeris sighed; thinking that dating her was just a contest and nothing more. Sniffles. But oh how she was wrong. Link walked over to Aeris with his cute little virgin smile spread across his face like warm butter. Butter that could most likely be used for so many things, like toast, toast that taste really gooooooooood. Aeris rolled her eyes and decided to play along. They pranced hand in hand up to the slide thing that led to the Chocobo racing square.  
  
The guys all stood, staring at the hole the couple disappeared down and then finally glancing at one another. Silence was all that could be heard (since Dante, dressed like Sephiroth, scared everyone out of the entrance of Gold Saucer). Speaking of Dante, in the far distance, one could see him still chasing the hopping Satan. But you can only keenly spot him using those Elvin Eyes of Sight. So go buy them, then you will see Dante. It's like going to one of those 3-d films and getting the 3-d specs, only nothing pops out because it's on a computer. Ha! What the hell? I'm confusing myself.....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let us go back to the worlds of the five (sexy, hot, adorable, and erotically coated with dark chocolate sauce) men.. elf included. Chips! Yummmmmmmmmy! First, Legolas' world (Middle Earth, people, Middle Earth.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Aragorn and Gimli sat at the bar of the Prancing Pony. (don't ask me why they would travel all the way back there just to try and pick up chicks and drink beer because I will cut you!) Aragorn took another drag at his pipe full of Old Toby. Little Gimli was rosy red from being drunk.  
  
"Mannnnn, we got totally wasted, didn't we?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Yup, I know I'm plastered, we dwarves always get plastered with fine mead such as this." Gimli replied, downing another pint of beer. "Hey, where'd the pansy elf boy go?"  
  
"Duuuude, I don't know, heheh, but aren't we supposed to be fighting in some war?" Aragorn asked. They sat in silence for a bit and finally shrugged it off, going for more ale and Old Toby in the process.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wow, and you thought Middle Earth was all Fairy tale crap, hell no! Anywho, let's hit the pretty Polly pocket world of Gaia, where Kuja was zapped away from. Hey, does anyone else here hear the Navy song in their head? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey! When is this new boss ganna get here?" A black mage asked. Four black mages stood waiting for the Hilda Garde to arrive.  
  
"They told me they found a new one. He's supposed to be better than Kuja." A second black mage said.  
  
"Let's just hope we don't have to do gay crap for him like we did for Kuja" A third black mage said, shuddering at the thought of having to play dress up again.  
  
"Hey, I think they're here!" the fourth black mage cried, pointing at the flying ship approaching the cave's entrance in Kuja's desert palace. The four black mages watched the ship dock. The walkway unfolded down and black mages came running out. Finally, a black waltz strolled down, followed by a freaky looking man with blue insane hair, weird tattoos on his chest, queer looking clothes and really long arms. The black waltz came to the black mages that stood there staring in halfway confusion and anger. The fourth mage turned to the other mages and whispered. "I thought you guys said he's supposed to be better than Kuja?!"  
  
"Uhhh..." The other black mages replied, not knowing what to say.  
  
"Hey, guys! Here's our new boss! Seymour Guado." The black waltz announced, gesturing to the new man. The black mages were completely silent.  
  
"Helllllooooooo! This place is, like, totally cool! I like the décor, it just, like, makes me want to skip like a mad man!" Seymour said in a half Valley girl, half British voice. Yes, Seymour is British.  
  
"What the hell?! 697, you suck! No way in hell are we going to send you off to get another boss, you keep bringing back queer people!" A black mage yelled at the black waltz.  
  
"He was all I could find!" The black waltz explained nervously as he backed away slowly.  
  
"GET HIM!!!!!!!!!!" The black mages shouted in union, tackling the black waltz to the ground and beginning to beat the crap out of him.  
  
"HELLLLLLPPPPPP! DEAR GODS, SAVE ME PLEAAAAAAASEEEEEEEE!" The black waltz screamed, running away from the black mages that were casting super nova on him. Seymour was busy filing his long nails when he noticed the time.  
  
"OH, MY, GOD! Like! OH! MY! GOD! TLC is ganna be on and Brittny Spears' new music video is sooooooo going to be on!!!!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!" Seymour giggles and runs to find the closet tv.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now we shall take a look at Kain's world, Nosgoth, or is it Nasgoth..... Whatever ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A blue wrath like creature popped out of a time streaming device and looked around confused.  
  
"I think I took a wrong turn..." He muttered to himself, scratching his head with his cloven claws. He spots another blue creature about ten yards to his right. He walked up to the form, discovering that it is the legendary Janos Audren. Janos turns and faced him, his great black wings fluttering behind him. "Err, are you that dude that is like all evil and stuff?"  
  
"No, but I'm blue." He replied.  
  
"I can see that, so am I." The blue wrath nodded slowly.  
  
"No, I'm blue as in I'm sad." He told him. "I'm Janos Audren and I don't know why I am here."  
  
"Hey! I don't know why I'm here either! I'm Raziel! I think my name is actually a girls' name but oh well." He said to Janos. They stood in silence for a while. "Hey you wanna go get a drink?"  
  
"What the hell, sure." Janos said and they both walked off and began killing innocent humans for their blood and souls.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So much pointlessness and idiocy, gradles of gravy. Anyways, now onto the wonderful world (that is even smaller than a city park) of Hyrule! You know, where Link came from. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Zelda stood in front of her mirror in her room. She was bored. She was also holding her Shiek outfit. She finally put it on and looked like a guy again. You couldn't see it but she was smiling. She soon will not be bored. She or should I say he jumped out of the window and ran outside. Shiek skipped giddily around Hyrule field. He giggled madly as if he was watching Dell commercials. He skipped right into the ass of a horse and fell flat onto the ground, half unconscious. He saw the silhouette of a woman's head block the harmful radioactive gamma rays of the sun.  
  
"Are you okay?!" A familiar voice asked. Shiek sat up wordlessly and looked to see Mallon smiling innocently at him. She didn't seem to recognize Zelda in her disguise. "Why yes, I am." Shiek told her and got up. Mallon looked at him eagerly.  
  
"Do I know you? You seem handsomely familiar." Mallon said, approaching him slowly. Shiek retreated slowly.  
  
"Uh, I really should be going-" Shiek began.  
  
"Aw! You are so cute! Let me buy you dinner, handsome." Mallon stepped up to him.  
  
"Uh, no really, I need to leave." Shiek told her, stepping back more.  
  
"Come now, let's go get a drink, I'm becoming sober again!" Mallon squealed, jumping onto Shiek. Shiek couldn't take it any more.  
  
"I can't do that, Mallon!" Shiek screamed in a girly voice.  
  
"Waitaminute... Are you gay?" Mallon asked. "You ARE wearing tight pants and they make you sound like a girl."  
  
"I am a girl!" Shiek shouted.  
  
"AHAHAHA! You're a guy! You've got a nice ass! Come on, lets go get drunk!" Mallon hung unto Sheik.  
  
"No! Really, It's me! ZELDA!" Sheik pulled off her hood, revealing that he was indeed Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. Mallon still didn't believe this and hung tighter. Zelda finally kicked her off and began to run as fast as she could. Mallon was still giggling as she leaped unto her horse and pursued her hotly. "Quit following me, damn it! I'm Zelda!"  
  
"Cooooooooome onnnnnnnnnnnn, I'll buy the drink!" Mallon called after the running Zelda.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Zelda screamed, hastening her step. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that we have looked there, let us go to our, uh, world, which we sorta already in if you know what I mean. Of course you don't, oh well. Ha! I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean. I must say Jack Sparrow is sexy, not to mention Legolas, er, I mean Will Turner. ANYWAY! TOTALLY OF SUBJECT! My bad, sorry bout that. Anyway, we go live to the little, or larger than most, world of Dante. Wait, this is our world. Well mine at least. I don't know about everyone else. Getting of topic, again... Anyway, jeezus crap, just read on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Where the bloody hell is Dante?!" Trish exclaimed. Lucia shrugged, trying on another pair of her new boots out of the hundred she bought. "His girlfriend's on the phone."  
  
"He haz a girlfriend? I thought he vas too much of a loser to pick up any chicks." Lucia said. There was a long period of silence as they stared at each other at the realization of her words. Lucia coughed uncomfortably and asked. "Well who is his girlfriend?"  
  
"Her name is Eva. (Big spoiler for anyone waiting for more of the DMC 3 fanfic I'm doing. Sorry.) She needs to ask him some question on some demons or something. What am I supposed to tell her?!" Trish asked.  
  
"Tell her he is fighting with Satan, again." Lucia told her, lacing up another pair of boots. Trish nodded and attended to the phone again, explaining the situation.  
  
"Yeah... Yeah, uh, okay......No. I don't know when he'll be back.... Okay, I say you called. Okay, thank you, bye." Trish finished and hung up. "Well, she fending off several demons at the moment while she was on her cell, I think I'll go help her. Then Dante will owe me big time."  
  
"Oh! I come too!" Lucia squealed with glee as she strapped on her ideal pair of boots and followed Trish out the door, not forgetting to stop in the kitchen to grab all the kitchen knives. She uses them to throw at her enemies. They both left. Well, it seems as though things aren't well kept in the other worlds. Oh well.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aeris: Well, Shiver me timbers, ladies!  
  
Sephiroth: Laddies, we are men, Aeris. And what's with the stuffed parrot and eye patch?  
  
Aeris: Did I not just a moment ago say I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean?! Savvy?  
  
Legolas: Hehehe, I was in that, wait! No, I didn't say that.  
  
Kuja: At the end of the movie, Legolas looked like Red Mage! Feathery hat. Fluffy.  
  
Kain: Pirates are gay.  
  
Dante: YOU DARE DEFY THE PIRATES?!!!?!?!??! DEMON!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they attack one another)  
  
Link: Hahaha! Where I come from, there is a neighboring land that has pirates. The best thing about 'em all is that.... They are ALL chicks, man! I think they are lesbians, too, like the Gerudo Thieves. But then, I could be wrong, they could kidnap handsome young men and save them for breeding and what not.  
  
Vincent: sounds intriguing.  
  
Sephiroth: Ha! Finally you talk!  
  
Aeris: you know what would be really cool? Pirate ninjas, or Ninja pirates, whichever way you like. Now THAT would be killer.  
  
Kain: (done fighting) WHY THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PIRATES?!?!?!  
  
Vincent: One of the many things we must wonder in life. Just like how Seymour got into Kuja's world when he belongs in Spira, hitting on chaste chicks and fighting against boys with lesbian haircuts.  
  
All stop to think and wonder: .........  
  
Aeris: uh, how did he get in there?  
  
Legolas: Plot development, mister Frodo, plot development.  
  
Sephiroth: she's not Frodo. Speaking of Frodo.... I had a dream that Sauron was fighting on Mt. Doom against the elves and the humans like in the beginning of the fellowship of the ring. He took of the helmet and IT WAS F(^$ING FRODO, MAN!!!!!  
  
Dante: I had a dream like that, except it was Mundus who turned out to be Trish.  
  
Aeris: I also saw the third Lord of the Rings movie today and I LOVED IT, DAMMIT!!!!!!! IT WAS F^&$#@ AWESOME, AND YOU LOOKED SO SEXY ON THE BIG SCREEN, LEGOLAS!!!!!!!! -  
  
Legolas: Thank you  
  
Aeris: THEY HAD TO TIE ME DOWN TO KEEP ME FROM JUMPING ON THE SCREAN!!!!!!!!! (Well, okay, I only got really giddy in my seat, but it still made everyone stare.) I loved the trick when you killed the elephant thing and you slid gracefully off of it when it went BOOM onto the ground. Damn! Hot stuff man! Double douse of Legolas in one day! I cried with joy.  
  
Sephiroth: Don't you mean 'dose'? Double dose?  
  
Aeris: yeah, something like that. Anyways, I'll get to work on the next chapter, sorry for the delay, and happy holidays and whatever the hell you celebrate.  
  
Kain: I'm Jewish.  
  
Aeris: Well, then happy haunicaa or however you spell it.  
  
Dante: I'm Christian!  
  
Aeris: Uh, Merry Christmas -  
  
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dante: DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: (hits them both with a lead pipe) SHUT UP!!!!!!! Okay, bye ignorant peoples  
  
Aeris: (wispers to Sephiroth) Don't be mean to the readers! (turns around and waves) Bye! Arrr! Scurvy mates, shiver me timbers! (Sephiroth shakes head in disgust) What?! 


	11. The first three dates I GOT A MUFFIN!

Chapter XI  
  
Author: Mwa! The eleventh chapter! There are just as many Final Fantasies made in the world so far. Well, I think twelve is on its way. Then there might be a thirteen, but I don't know. Must... Play... Alllllllll! Anywho, I'm writing, or typing, this during Christmas Eve!  
  
Dante: (drunk off of eggnog) YAY! Presents! Deck the halls with -  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up! Or I'll deck your halls! (cracks knuckles in a threatening way)  
  
Kuja: Well, I got you a present, Aeris/author. Here you go.  
  
Author: THANK YOU! (rips it open) Um, a nail salon set.... Uh, thanks Kuja.  
  
Kain: (also drunk, but not off eggnog, human blood. He found a pack of hobos outside again) I got ya somethin' too! It's pretty! (hands her the wrapped gift and passes out cold, not that he was warm in the first place. Vampires. Coldness. Savvy?)  
  
Author: (opened it) Wow, a human heart. Thanks, Kain. I'll, uh, treasure this until it reaks too much to wear I can't stand the smell. (Kain was still out cold)  
  
Link: Me next! (hands her his present)  
  
Author: (opened it unsurely, is that a word? Unsurely?) Uh, Link? What is it?  
  
Link: (smiles happily) It's a bottled Poe!  
  
Author: Oh. What's a Poe? (Opens bottle. The poe flies out and begins beating everyone with a lit lantern. It goes after Legolas with its lat)  
  
Legolas: OWW! EEAK! HELP! OW!  
  
Link: NOOOOOO! DON'T LET IT OUT - uh, too late.  
  
Author: JEEZUZ CRAP! WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
Link: I forgot to mention that they are evil spirits from Hyrule field. They like to pop out of graveyards too. But they look really pretty in bottles. (the poe continues to beat Legolas with the lamp) I think it like Legolas though.  
  
Legolas: OW! F(%$#!!!!!!!! GET IT OFF!!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!  
  
Author: Well, while I continue to get weird presents from my pets, YOU people start reading the story.  
  
Vincent: Good idea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Aeris looked at the colorful Chocobo Racing center with glee. It was fun to watch the chocobos race. Link didn't really know what to do but figured out on how to bet on the chocobos though. Aeris stood waiting impatiently, thinking he was buying tickets so they could watch. However, he came back with multiple items he won off the betting.  
  
"Where are the tickets?" Aeris asked. Link looked at her through the pile of stuff he won by sheer luck. He thought the pink chocobo was pretty so he always bet on it and it kept winning. He spent the first 30 minutes betting.  
  
"Uh, what tickets?" Link asked, confused.  
  
"The tickets for watching the races!" Aeris exclaimed. Link was still confused, so Aeris threw her hands in the air and pulled him towards the counter to buy the tickets. Link spent most of his money on the bets so Aeris had to pay. "Okay, we're only going to watch them for ten minutes. Then we move onto the next thing to do on this date."  
  
So they sat and watched. Aeris was too drawn into it while Link paid little mind towards the large birds. He was too busy sorting through the crap he got noticing that all of it was no use to him. When the race ended, Aeris jumped up with Link and left to the next experience on this date. They hopped into another random tunnel and were sucked into the shooting roller coaster place. Link looked around curiously as usual and noticed some moogles flying about the place.  
  
'I wonder if I could tie those to me and fly....' Link wondered, still determined to find a way to fly. 'I'll have to try it later, after the date.'  
  
Link had just enough for two tickets on the ride since it was cheaper than the races. The worker lady directed them to their seats in the roller coaster. They strapped in as she instructed and she explained how to use the laser guns to shoot for points. Link wasn't really paying attention again and was busy looking about him. All of a sudden, they started moving. Aeris was giggling with glee and aimed the laser at the multiple targets. Link just looked around, in awe and wonder, not knowing what to do. Suddenly the ride began to speed up. Link grew worried while Aeris became happy with excitement as the speed went faster and faster. Soon they were going up and down and all around and Link couldn't take it anymore. Link started screaming like a little girl and his stomach lurched terribly. He turned green and threw himself to the side as he hurled up everything he had for lunch earlier.  
  
Five minutes later, the ride came to a halt at the gate where they first came in. The lady that escorted them in gave Aeris a potion for a prize for all her points. Link had to be dragged out by the employees and Aeris was worried.  
  
"Link! Are you all right? You vomited, I can see." Aeris said, wrinkling her nose at the odor.  
  
"I think I also soiled myself." Link said, hazily. She helped him over to a corner and went for some napkins to clean off his once green tunic that was now splattered with vile yellowish vomit.  
  
"Well, let's get you to the inn and we'll get you cleaned up. Thank gods you didn't throw up on me." Aeris said. They got to the spooky haunted inn and Link was still dizzy and they met up with the other guys. Dante had ceased his chase of Satan when he lost him in the mirror room of the haunted house inn's new ride that they now had built in. So Dante stood with the others quietly. They had already reserved three rooms: Aeris had to argue with them that she got her own room while they had to have four to the other two rooms. Vincent and Cid, who pooped (ugh! GROSS!!!!!!!! I meant POP!) POPPED out of nowhere, helped the wobbly Link to the nearest bathroom to change and get cleaned up. The remaining five boys, however, turned back towards Aeris with smiles of evilness plastered to their faces (heheh, evilness. I like evilness). It was Kain who held up the choosing straws of fate, with one less straw. Aeris groaned and sank into a dusty seat in the corner of the inn's main room. There was a chessboard before her and two ghosts in the other two seats playing chess; just like the last two times she was here. The guys each drew one straw and took a moment to look at them. Dante jumped up and down with joy.  
  
"SUCKERS! I WON! OH YEAH!" Dante danced around like a total dork as the others groaned in disappointment. He finally walked over to Aeris and held out his arm and wore a charming smile. "Okay, Aeris! Shall we?"  
  
"I can tell this is going to be a long night." She muttered as she took his arm and was led outside the inn to the hoppy tube things that allow you to travel to different parts of Gold Saucer. Dante and Aeris jumped randomly down one and busted out into an area with stairs and a hall nearby. Everyone in the area began the chaotic screams again and evacuated in a panicked mass at the sight of Dante, assuming he was Sephiroth. The couple stood in silence until everyone was gone, finally Aeris looked around. Aeris remembered this area and ran up the stairs, followed by Dante. They jumped on a trampoline thing and bounced up into a large arcade-like room. Aeris squealed with joy and ran through the rooms and over to a large moogles shaped arcade machine. Again, Dante followed.  
  
"I'm ganna feed the moogles! Wheeeee!" Aeris squeaked. And she did, over and over and over.  
  
"Aw, come on! This is retarded!" Dante moaned.  
  
"Go somewhere else then! I'm having fun!" Aeris laughed at the cute baby moogles  
  
Dante got so bored he went over to the arcade game that looked most interesting. He tried the virtual fighting game, and he got his ass kicked. Finally, they left and jumped again down a random hole. They found themselves in the Battle Arena's entrance. Dante brightened up tremendously.  
  
"Now this is what I'm talking about!" Dante said ecstatically, running up to the counter.  
  
"What?! You're going to try this?! But you sucked in the virtual fighting game!" Aeris yelped in surprise.  
  
"Well I suck at video games (hey, he is a video game character! What the hell?) But I can really kick ass! Come and watch!" Dante said proudly. He went up to the register and asked to battle. The lady took one look at him in the Sephiroth costume and screamed and ran off. He went in while shrugging and began the battle. Aeris waited outside as she listened to the screams and shrieks of monsters dieing over and over. Finally, Dante came back out with tons of battle points and went over to the machine to trade them in. He came back over to Aeris, holding a large stuffed red chocobo and offered it to her. "I got this just for you!"  
  
"Thank you, that is sweet, but I'm afraid it's too big for me to carry." Aeris pointed out. Dante noted that it was indeed the same size as Aeris and held it for her. "Let's go onto the next ride, I know one that is really nice."  
  
"Okay, you lead." Dante said, carrying the large stuffed bird. Aeris walked over to the tube that led to the Gondola. They both hopped down it and came out in front of the Gondola itself, ticketed by a female employee, who, like all the others, ran in sheer fear from Dante. They boarded the Gondola nonetheless, it's automatic. They sat in the tiny ride in silence, Dante and the giant stuffed chocobo on one side and Aeris on the other.  
  
"Well, Dante... This was fun, sorta." Aeris muttered the 'sorta' to where he couldn't hear. "Isn't the view beautiful?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Dante's Mind.....  
  
"Isn't the view beautiful?"  
  
Answer one - "It's cool. Fireworks are pretty!"  
  
Answer two - "It's nice, but YOU are more beautiful."  
  
Answer three - "Uh, you wanna make out?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back in reality....  
  
"Uh, you wanna make out?" Dante asked in response. Aeris looked at him with the expression that read 'WHAT THE F*%# DO YOU MEAN MAKE OUT?!?!?!?!' and that was when he knew he was in trouble. Fortunately, before Aeris could slap him, Monty Python (Satan as we all know) peeped in from the window and cackled evilly.  
  
"I have found you, Santa Clause's bitch! I now bite your groin muscles until you die!" Satan screamed as he attacked Dante. The Gondola couldn't take the weight of all of them and began to swing back and forth. However, Dante and Satan wrestled and fell out of the window and continued fighting as they fell. Aeris was relieved that that date was over so she sat in the Gondola with the red chocobo until it came to a halt.  
  
"Well, the first date would have to be a six out of ten, due to Link's lack of sense and him vomiting as well as wetting himself. The second date is a four out of ten for Dante's lack of attention towards me and his sick rudeness at the end. I do like the chocobo, though." Aeris muttered to herself while she struggled to drag the chocobo back to the inn. Once she got there, she dropped the chocobo to the ground and sank into the chair once again. She ordered one of the guys to take the chocobo to her room before any other date. So Cid and Vincent carried it up to her room while Kuja, Sephiroth, Legolas and Kain went for the straws again.  
  
Kain was the one who won this time. He grinned maliciously, showing off his vampire canines. Aeris was a bit worried that she wouldn't live after this. Kain went over and grabbed her arm and dragged her towards the stairs.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!?! LEMME GO!!!" Aeris screamed.  
  
"But you are mine for an hour! Let's go upstairs in your bedroom so you can let me have my way with you." Kain said.  
  
"RAPE! RAPE!" Aeris began screaming like an alarm as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. She grabbed onto the railing of the stairs and held on tight. The other guys charged at Kain and began beating him with their weapons.  
  
"YOU CAN'T RAPE HER ON A DATE!!!!! SICK FU - " Sephiroth began, beating his face in with the hilt of his Masamune.  
  
"SHOW HER RESPECT!" Legolas shouted.  
  
"OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!!!!!!!!!" Kain yelled, the other guys backed off, still holding their weapons to the bleeding vampires head. "I WON'T TOUCH HER!!!!!!!!! Cough, cough, yet, cough, cough."  
  
"What was that last part?!" Sephiroth demanded.  
  
"Nothing, nothing at all!" Kain brushed himself off and turned back to Aeris, bowing to her deeply and stood back up with a pouting look on his face. "Dear, Aeris, I acted most obscenely, my most sincere apologies. I wish for you to forgive me." He then took her hand in a charming manner and pulled her out of the inn. "Come, my lady. Let's go have a bit of fun!"  
  
Sephiroth disappeared out a window like a ninja. Legolas pulled out the One Ring TO RULE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLL! (Sorry, bad habit) and put it on. He had stolen it from Frodo, the damn little hobbit didn't need it anyways. Legolas ran after them while invisible. Speaking of invisible, Kuja pulled out a cloak from within his robes (I shudder at the thought of what else he keeps down there). It was a cloak of invisibility that HE stole from Harry Potter.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: OKAY, THIS IS JUST STUPID NOW! How the F%*$ing hell did Harry Pothead get in this?!?!??!?  
  
Author's sister, Juliet: Hehehehehehe, I am stupiddddd, I sabootaje your writing thingy on computer, big sister! I eat pudding! Me like the cheeeeeeeeeeeese. ME ALSO LIKE HARRY POTTER, HE SEXY AND HIS SCAR TOO!!!!!!! You like Harry Potter TOO!  
  
Author:....... (Gets her gun and shoots off a warning shot) GET THE HELL OFF MY COMPUTER, you stupid little Harry Potter obsessed freak! And NO! I LIKE MALFOY'S DAD! HE REMINDS ME OF SEPHY!  
  
Juliet: RUN AWAY! SHE GOT BOOMSTICK!!!!!!!  
  
Author: That's right! You run, or I'll tell mother!!!! Yes! MOTHER, I'm coming mother, I'm coming to release you from Shinra! Mother... it's almost time... Soon... we will become one! MWAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!!! (Gets hit over the head with a crowbar by Sephiroth.)  
  
Sephiroth: ENOUGH! Get on with it!  
  
Author: Righto! (Starts typing again while her head bleeds out large amounts of blood.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Aeris, where would you like to go on this courtship tonight?" Kain asked in a seductive tone.  
  
'Somewhere where there are a lot of people in case you try and do something to me.' Aeris thought. "How about we go to Event Square?"  
  
"As you wish, my lady." Kain said and they both hopped down the hole that led to it.  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
A ninja-like Sephy and an invisible Kuja follow discretely after the vampire and Aeris as they go to the Event Square. Legolas, however, got lost in the Haunted Hotel and was later chased by Ring Wraiths while he wore the One Ring TO RULE THEM ALLLLLL! Ehem. So, as Sephiroth and Kuja follow the unsuspecting couple, unaware of each other themselves, they come upon the entrance of the Event Square. Kuja takes off the invisibility cloak and Sephiroth comes out of the shadows. They look at each other in surprise.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Sephiroth asked suspiciously.  
  
"I was just about to ask you that." Kuja replied. "I'm making sure Aeris is safe."  
  
"That's what I'm doin'!" Sephiroth said.  
  
"Well, let's see what they're doing in this place." Kuja said. Sephiroth nodded in agreement and they both went through the entrance. Suddenly bells begin to ring and confetti shoots out unto them. They look around in confusion and alarm only to see a fat balding employee, much like the chocobo suit man from last chapter, greet them with a tired expression.  
  
"Congratulations, you two are the 100th couple. You both get to perform in the play we have tonight." The employee said in a monotone voice as he pushed them both behind stage. "Now which one of you is the chick?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?! - " Sephiroth started, pulling out his Masamune. However, Kuja stopped him, even though he too was about to cast Doomsday on the employee's ass.  
  
"We should do it! Then we can see what Kain is up to!" Kuja whispered to him. The employee led them to the dressing room and left, telling them that the other actors would help if they got stuck. "I'll be the Princess and you be the dude that saves the princess."  
  
"Good, 'cause there is no force in nature that could get me in some damn dress. Besides, you already cross dress so none would know otherwise." Sephiroth stated. Before Kuja could say anything, or cast anything, the curtains parted and the both of them stood facing the audience in bewilderment. Sephiroth immediately shoved Kuja offstage as the other actors came on, whispering to him, "You not supposed to be on yet!" Sephiroth turned back towards the audience and spotted Aeris and Kain staring at him, wide eyed in confusion. The other actor danced his way over to him, dressed in shining armor, most likely a knight.  
  
"Oh! Our hero has arrived! It's the brave Sir - " The knight began.  
  
"Sephiroth, SEPHIROTH!" Sephiroth whispered to him, the knight stared at him in confusion and fear. "Say Sephiroth or you die!"  
  
"Ehem! It's the brave Se-Sephiroth! Please, will you help us?" The knight began to shake in fear as he continued his lines. Then a man dressed up like a wizard and another dressed as a king twirled out onstage next to Sephiroth.  
  
"Will you save my daughter, the Princess Rosa?" The king asked.  
  
"Uh, sure?" Sephiroth shrugged.  
  
"OH! Joy! You must slay the evil dragon king that hold the princess captive!" the wizards said. "you can only defeat him with the power of love!"  
  
"Eww." Sephiroth cringed. "I'm not screwing no dragon!"  
  
"Stick with the script!" The knight whispered.  
  
"What script?!?" Sephiroth asked in sheer frustration. It was then that a sloppy looking dragon costume with an actor inside came unto the stage, carrying Kuja. "What the hell?" Kuja was in a pink dress.  
  
"I am the evil dragon king! I have the princess! What are you ganna do?! Hahahha!" The dragon laughed. Sephiroth had had enough, he pulled out his Masamune and attacked. The actor in the dragon costume screamed and struggled to run. Kuja was thrown to the floor before he got up to look for Aeris and spotted them leaving.  
  
Meanwhile......  
  
"Oh my god, this is so embarrassing." Aeris muttered, while leaving with Kain. Kain stopped and picked up a half-eaten hotdog and chucked it at the stage, hitting Kuja. Aeris turned around while he began laughing. "What is it?"  
  
"Nothing." Kain said. They both left. "I know some place we could go to have fun."  
  
"Oh, really? I'm not doing anything naughty with you, so drop it!" Aeris said.  
  
"No, it's nothing like that." Kain grinned, "You are rather bad at fighting, I just figured, maybe I could teach you a thing or two in the Battle Arena."  
  
"I don't kno-" Aeris started but was pulled down the tube that led to it before she could finish.  
  
"Come on!" Kain pulled her up to the counter and he bought admission in.  
  
"One at a time, please." The lady said, halting the vampire. Kain told Aeris to look the other way and he quickly killed, and drained of all blood, from the employee. They went in and he showed her how to punch correctly.  
  
Meanwhile...the peacocks...  
  
"I know he's up to something!" Sephiroth whispered. Legolas had found his way to the other two spying men and they watched Kain and Aeris until the couple left the Battle Arena. Aeris looked as if she was beginning to enjoy Kain's company as he kept up the cute and innocent act in front of her. The two of them went off to the Gondola ride and were of course followed by the three zealous and jealous men. They both got on the Gondola and sat in silence at first.  
  
Inside the Gondola.... that's a funny word. Gondola.......  
  
"So, Aeris, did you enjoy this date?" Kain asked her as she licked at an ice cream that he purchased for her before they got on the Gondola. Heheh, GONDOLA! Sounds Spanish...  
  
"Yeah, I'm impressed." Aeris said between licks.  
  
"You are beautiful." Kain said to her.  
  
"Uh, thanks?" Aeris replied, beginning to get uncomfortable again. Kain moved to sit on the same seat as her, scooting closer to her. She tried to wriggle away but found that she was cornered in it. So she got up and sat over where he was sitting. "I don't think this is wise, Kain."  
  
"Fine." He shrugged and slumped down in the seat disappointed. There was a sudden bump in the ride and Aeris' ice cream went 'splat' on her front. She let out a cry of stress. Kain pulled out a napkin. "Here let me help."  
  
"Thanks." Aeris said as she and Kain began to clean her dress. It was then that Sephiroth, Kuja and Legolas peeped in from outside.  
  
"HA! I KNEW it! You sicko! We shouldn't have trusted you with her alone!" Sephiroth cried, grabbing Kain by the hair and pulling him out of the Gondola.  
  
"Sephiroth! He di-" Aeris tried to stop them.  
  
"OH, I know what he did to you Aeris! We heard you scream and came to help and now we find him with his hands all over you! Let's teach him a lesson!" Sephiroth and the others leapt off the Gondola and took Kain somewhere where they could administer a immensely painful beating. Aeris sighed and waited for the ride to end. When she got out she went for the hotel and passed everyone silently as they asked questions and slammed her door.  
  
"NO MORE DATES UNTIL TOMORROW!!!!!" She screamed and that was all.  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!" Kain screamed as they continued beating him in a secluded alleyway. "HELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: Poor Kain.  
  
Kain: No one loves me.  
  
Author: (huggles Kain) I do.  
  
Kain: (sniff) thank you!  
  
Author: MORE PRESENTS!!!!! (Opens Legolas' present) OH!!!!!!! Pretty! I got a ring! It's gold and plain looking though.  
  
Legolas: It is the One Ring () TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHHAHH!!!!  
  
Author: (puts it on and turns invisible) Hahahaha! I'm invisible! (Ring Wraiths pop out of nowhere) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!! (Aeris/Author is chases by Ring Wraiths)  
  
Vincent: While she is being chased by the minions of the dark lord Sauron that are about to stab her with knives of pointy doom that burn with a thousand evils, I'll just open her gift for her. (opens) Oh, I gave her a pretty Gothic dress.  
  
Author: (running by) But I like PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND GREEN!!!!!!!! AND SILVER!!!!! AND, oh, yeah, black. THANK YOU VINNY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (a ring wraith pokes her in the butt) SICK PERVERTED WRAITH!!!!!!! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!!!!!!!  
  
Wraith: No man can kill me!  
  
Author: I AM NO MAN!!!!!!!!!! (Takes a sword and beat the crap out of the wraith, it runs away screaming) HA! (Does victory dance while still invisible)  
  
Vincent: Here's a gift from Dante. (Opens it) It's a, er, what is it Dante? (It looks like a deformed yellow head)  
  
Dante: I don't know but I found it in hell. I use em to come back to life.  
  
Author: (takes off the one ring and is visible again.) Lemme see! Cool! Thank you, Dante!  
  
Sephiroth: MY TURN!!! Here you go! (Turns around and runs like hell)  
  
Author: (rips it open excited but turns red with embarrassment when noticing what it is) SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Chases him)  
  
Vincent: (pulls out Victoria Secret sexy sleepwear) Ohhhhhhhh! I remember Lucrecia wearing something like this - (realizes he said it out loud) uh, never mind that. (Aeris/Author grabs Sephiroth by the hair and begins to beat him with a lawn gnome until he bleeds)  
  
Kuja: Aw, screams of agony, sexy sleepwear, bloody messes..... Yup! It's the holidays.  
  
Author: (Washes off the blood) Thanks again everyone for reading and reviewing! I give you all a present! (Blows them all a kiss)  
  
Audience: EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!  
  
Author: Okay, fine no kiss. I'll do that to my little pets!  
  
Little pets, including a bloody Sephy: YAY!  
  
Author: Merry Late Whatever and hope to the gods next year will be better than this one! Until next chapter, in which I shall need 15 more reviews (yes! I AM being evil! MWAHAHAH!). If my demands are not met by new years day, the little Pepsi girl will DIE and so will I, wait... Me? I don't want to die! HELP ME! PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! 


	12. The last three dates and chili

Chapter Twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Author: (whispering and holding a candle in the dark) Well, I'm sitting her in the dark because the power went out due to insane ice problems and snow. Not that I don't like the darkness. Mmmmmmm, darkness. SUBMIT! From darkness, all hearts were born, even yours! But I have to thank you all for so many reviews! We're at a hundred now! Yeah! Stupid snow, it's because of that I have to sit here in the dark. So I'll just -  
  
Sephiroth: (turns on the lights and startles her) Uh, what are you doing in the dark with a candle? ...  
  
Author: The power went out, you idiot! (The others came in next to Sephiroth)  
  
Vincent: .... No it didn't, well it did but it came back on so there isn't any use to sit in the dark anymore.  
  
Author: Well I was just trying to raise some excitement in the audience, but oh well.... (tosses candle over her shoulder, hitting Kain and setting him ablaze)  
  
Kain: (screaming and running around insanely) IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!! IT BUUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! (Runs into the wall and falls to the ground, still burning.)  
  
Kuja: Oh my!  
  
Dante: Is he dead?  
  
Sephiroth: If he did, I would so almost shed a tear. But I don't feel like it.  
  
Author: (sniffs) Well I do, he bought me a lot of nice stuff like chocolates and candle lit dinners. I'll miss him terribly, even if he did try to drain me of all my blood after every time.  
  
Legolas: You could have done that all with me and not have worried about the biting.... (turns away and chuckles evilly) Much.  
  
Link: Kinky.  
  
Author: (sniffles)  
  
Dante: I GET TO START THE CHAPTER OFF THIS TIME!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!! START!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 12, which I already said. Duh. I love banana nut bread.  
  
Aeris sat up in her nightgown, facing the morning sun that peaked in through her demented curtains of the spooky inn. She leisurely got dressed into her usual pink attire, distraught about what was to come once she left the confines of her room. However, she believed that it would be better just to get it over with. She put on her boots and stood up with a boost of determination.  
  
"HA! I will get this done with and -" She was cut off by a scratching noise outside her door. She hastily walked over to the door and heard distinct whispering of men she knew all to well. When she flung open the door, six guys jumped back in shock as she glowered at them each. They gulped and stared back.  
  
"What the hell are you six doing at MY door?!" Aeris demanded. When none of them spoke she looked at the closest. "WELL?! Sephiroth? Speak!"  
  
"We were just seeing if you were ready." He replied. They had Sephiroth, Kuja and Legolas draw straws. Legolas stepped forward in his prettiest silver blue tunic that all the pretty elves wore when they went dating.  
  
"He got it, right?" Aeris made sure. The rest of the guys, with the exception of Legolas nodded solemnly. Her enraged expression faded into a happy and cheerful one instantly. "Oh! Okay!"  
  
Legolas held out his arm in escorting fashion and she took it and they almost skipped out of the hotel. The five remained at the door of her room, watching them go down to the graves and jumping down one. The group dispersed and four of them went off in their own direction while one just stood. Kain stood, covered in bruises and bandages from last night's misunderstanding, and he looked rather put out from the reaction of the other three.  
  
"So, I take it that you four aren't going to go spy on him while he's with her, and yet you came and interrupted our date, eh?!" Kain said, almost shouting. The others looked at him suspiciously.  
  
"Legolas is too much of a goody-goody elf, like Link here. He wouldn't dare put the moves on her." Dante said, for once sounding civil, maybe the beer wore off.  
  
"Yeah, no need to bother." Sephiroth agreed. Cid walked into the room, half awake and no where near sober, interrupting the argument that was beginning to flame up.  
  
"Dude...... Dude? ...... DUDE! Where is Aeris?!" Cid asked, half spastic on the question and at the same time, half confused as hell.  
  
"Um, she's out dating Legolas." Kuja said. Cid looked at him, swaying as if he was going fall down, then looked at his cigarette-less hand.  
  
"F(%#, I need a smoke!" Cid muttered, staggering out of the room.  
  
"I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed there would be no more war..... Anyways... Where was I? Ah, yes! Well let me tell you something from experience!" Kain began. "It's always the good little boys that cause the most trouble! Just like how King William the Just and he ended up being the Nemesis, but you wouldn't know this. I'm older than all of you!"  
  
"OH YEAH?" Dante asked challengingly. He pointed at a confused keebler elf. "Are you older than elf boy here?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"NO you are NOT! He's an elf! He's immortal so he's older than you!" Dante remarked.  
  
"Phhht! He's not older than me! I'm a couple hundred years older! SO RESPECT YOUR DAMN ELDERS, BOY!"  
  
"Actually, he is older, I'm only nineteen." Link pointed out shyly. Dante looked at him dumbfounded with surprise. "And I'm not immortal, that is Leggy-Chan."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Legolas: DON'T EVEN F(^$ING START THE NAME THINGY AGAIN!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: Want some cotton candy, Leggy-poo? (Snuggles up to his chest)  
  
Legolas: (blushes) Why certainly!  
  
Elisha: (walks in with Jack Sparrow) HEYA!!! How's it going, my fellow alien baked goods?  
  
Jack: (mumbles something like Ozzy Osborne while waving about his hands as if he were drunk) Savvy?  
  
Elisha: OH I LOVE YOU TOO! (huggles him, snaps Aeris' bra and runs off with Jack, leaving Aeris and Legolas to stare after them)  
  
Aeris: What the ^($#ing hell was that?! They're not supposed to be in here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"BUT YOU'RE AN ELF!" Dante cried.  
  
"And you're idiots." Kain muttered  
  
Kuja, Link, Dante and Sephiroth all looked at each other and then looked at Kain.  
  
"Let's get him!" Kuja said, they all let out a war cry and attacked. Kain was prepared and he pulled out his Soul Reaver and attacked them. Soon they were dog piling each other, sticking one another with their weapons and everyone was getting hurt. Blood was spewing, bones splintering, internal organs rupturing.... Ah, the after holiday effect. Who's up for left over eggnog?!  
  
Not Far Off in Gold Saucer....... Something is tickling my eye... IT'S THE LAWN GNOMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris was busy smiling and hugging Legolas' arm as he walked her around Gold Saucer. It was rather pretty in the morning with the sky a bright pink and the stars fading from the sun's light while the moon hung transparently in the dawning sky. She let out a sigh and thought that this would be the best date of all with the handsome elvish prince that was the first to pop out of nowhere. She couldn't wait for the fun to start. She mindlessly cuddled to his arm as they walked about directionless for about twenty minutes. Finally, Legolas was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to do something.  
  
"Uh, when are you going to decide where to go?" Legolas asked, timid about angering the girl.  
  
"Oh! I thought you were leading. Fine, let's go to the roller coaster ride, we probably will have only enough time for one ride since we spent half the date enjoying the sunrise. Then, we can go on the Gondola. It will be so fun!" Aeris giggled and almost literally dragged him to the entrance of the traveling tubes (that's what I'm going to call them from now on! Damn it!) Aeris stopped short, however, when she noticed a young girl dragging gagged and chained up men, about four of them. She wondered briefly how a teenage girl her size could haul that much weight until she recognized the approaching girl.  
  
"YUFFIE?!" Aeris cried out in astonishment as the young ninja jumped at her name being called and noticed Aeris. "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Errr, uh, um, shopping?" Yuffie lied. Aeris noticed that Yuffie had somehow kidnapped and gagged Vincent, Tseng, Kuja and Cloud.  
  
"Why do you have Vincent, Tseng, Kuja and... Oh! Hey Cloud, long time, no see!" Aeris waved to him before turning her attention back to Yuffie. She squinted at her, and eyed her carefully, feeling that something was out of whack. Suddenly, she gasped and grabbed Yuffie's face and pulled. Sure enough, it came off, revealing another someone that she knew. "ELISHA?! What the hell?! You aren't supposed to be here!"  
  
"Yeah, well, what the hell, here am I though. And grabbing a few guys." Elisha said, pointing a thumb at the four guys. Kuja was trying to scream but his shrieks for help were muffled by the gag in his mouth. Cloud looked as if he had a mixture of a pleased and also a distressed look when he saw Aeris. Tseng sounded as if he was trying to scream something like 'The Clones!' as he looked at Legolas but the gag restricted it. Vincent, however, was calm and looked rather annoyed.  
  
"Uh, okay? Well, we're off on our date, so have fun! But I'm going to need Vincent and Kuja for later on in the story." Aeris told her, "So drop 'em off at the inn at, let's say.... Two?"  
  
"Sure! Though, I will have them again after you're through with them... MWAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!" Elisha cackled evilly, causing the gagged men to be terrified at what horror the young teen had in store for them. Though I don't think they'd mind, since they're men and Elisha is quite beautiful and irresistible... (When I say that, does that make me a lesbian?) THE TROGDOOR! They exchanged their goodbyes and parted. Finally, Aeris and Legolas were before the roller coaster and buying tickets. The employee woman strapped them in and the ride began. Aeris realized that it might not have been a great idea, remembering how Link blew chunks earlier yesterday. She just hoped he wouldn't. Soon, they were speeding through the ride.  
  
"WHHHHEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Aeris squealed and turned to Legolas as the ride slowed a bit. "Hey! Having fun?" He shrugged. "You know, you're supposed to shoot the creatures that appear up ahead" She turned back and took the laser gun and aimed at the balloon-like things that appeared. She began to hear a twang-twang sound from behind her. When she turned, she saw Legolas launching off arrows from his bow, shooting everything with a layer of arrows. He seemed to have hit something electronic, setting it igniting a fire. Aeris blink before screaming at him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"  
  
"I'm killing them like you said to!" He replied, the ride sped up and did a few twirls on the tracks or whatever before coming up to the exit area. They hurried off and walked away, trying not to get noticed as the employees ran to see why the ride was on fire and everything shot with arrows. They got to the travel tube and jumped down the one that led to the Gondola.  
  
At the Gondola....  
  
Aeris and Legolas boarded it and sat down. The ride began. The fireworks exploded. Legolas made a move on Aeris. Aeris got uncomfortable and smacked him hard, knocking him out. The ride stopped. Aeris dragged Legs all the way back to the haunted hotel. Aeris dropped the elf onto the ground once she arrived. The next date had been selected. The boys wondered why Legolas was unconscious. The chosen one escorted Aeris out of the hotel.  
  
In the Hotel still......  
  
The boys were looking over the beaten unconscious body of Legolas, poking it every now and then with a stick. Kain let out a 'ha!' and stuck up his head. The other guys knew what he was going to say.  
  
"I told you so! But will you listen?! Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Screw the vampire, you say! The vampire's always wrong! Idiots." He walked off. The manager of the hotel walked up to them and cleared his throat, which had a noose securely around it for costume.  
  
"Excuse me, sirs, but I must ask you to leave for the next two hours." The manager said.  
  
"What? Why?" Link asked.  
  
"It's been reserved for one of our VIP guests. Please, I must ask for your cooperation." He said in reply.  
  
"Fine, we'll leave. C'mon guys! Let's go party somewhere!" Dante yelled, they gathered up Legolas' body and left after Kain.  
  
Back with the Aeris and her date.......  
  
"Soooooo... What're we going to do?" Aeris asked her date. He turned to her slowly with a seductive smile upon his lips, beautiful silver locks caressing his equally beautiful complexion, and enchanting green eyes that glowed with the power of mako infused into his strong body. (yep, it's SEPHY!)  
  
"Come with me." Sephiroth said smoothly, sending a chill down her spine as he took her hand and led her off to the traveling tubes, leaping into one. They came to the arcade area which was back to normal. Nobody seemed to notice Sephiroth as he and Aeris went over to the newest game which Aeris begged Sephiroth to try with her: the Dance Dance Revolution Pad!!!! There was a long line, but Sephiroth went directly to the front of it, Aeris followed. A lady was at a booth next to the game as a person paid her to try the game. Sephiroth pushed the person out of the way and went for the dance pad, dragging Aeris with him.  
  
"Excuse me, sir! You have to pay for the use of the game and you must wait your turn!" the woman said, angrily.  
  
"My woman and I shall be playing it free of charge tonight, so hold your tongue, wence!" Sephiroth spat at her.  
  
"SIR! I must ask you to wait in - " She started up again but Sephiroth cut in.  
  
"Do you not know who I am?!" Sephiroth demanded of the employee.  
  
"Uh, Sephy, dear, I don't think this is - " Aeris put her hand on his arm to try and calm him.  
  
"I am the former general of Shinra! I am Sephiroth!" Sephiroth raised his voice a bit louder. "You WILL let us through!"  
  
"I'm sorry sir, the Cosplay convention in being held tomorrow night in the Event Square. I'm afraid you can't just waltz in her without paying." The employee woman said calmly. Dante just happened to walk by with Link. The woman noticed him as the two waved at Sephiroth and Aeris.  
  
"MY GOD! IT'S SEPHIROTH! HE'S COME TO KILL US!" the woman screamed at the sight of Dante in Sephiroth's uniform, pointing at him crazily.  
  
"Sup." Dante said as he now stood next to Aeris and Sephiroth with Link.  
  
"WHAT THE F(%#?!?!?!?! I AM THE GREAT LORD SEPHIROTH, BITCH, NOT HIM!!!!!!! REMEMBER THAT WHEN IT WILL BE I THAT BRINGS DOWN UPON YOU AND ALL THE DESTRUCTION OF MAN AND THIS PITIFUL PLANET!!!!!!!" Sephiroth drew his Masamune as he roared at the employee, who was just staring at him, forgetting about Dante for a split second. When he stop screaming at her, she refocused back on Dante and let out a scream and ran. Everyone else besides Sephiroth, Aeris, Dante and Link ran out screaming too. Sephiroth was furious. 'Mental note to self: slaughter the employee woman and kill everyone in Gold Saucer after I'm finished with this date!!!!'  
  
"Well, now that there's no line; let's play, Sephy!" Aeris chimed, grabbing him and pulling him up with her to dance. They played for about twenty minutes and left, leaving Dante and Link to enjoy the game. Aeris and Sephiroth went back to the travel tubes, chatting on the way. "I must say, Sephy, you did rather well on the game. I'm surprised, now wasn't that fun?"  
  
"Sure." He replied as they hopped down the tube followed by Aeris. "It was rather childish, I think. It's no more than a pattern of erythematic footwork. It's quite common in some sword play." They came out of the tube in front of the Haunted hotel.  
  
"Why'd we go here? I thought Dante said that this place was being used by some VIP guest or something." Aeris said. Sephiroth turned and bowed to her and held out his arm in a charming manner.  
  
"I am the one that reserved it for our date." Sephiroth told her. 'After promising them I would spare their pitiful little lives, Mwahahahah!'  
  
Aeris saw him shake from his internal laughter and was a bit worried, yet took his arm anyways. They walked up to the doors, which opened up for them by the employees and were escorted to the dining room by a man, presumably some hired butler. Sephiroth disappeared for several minutes as Aeris sat down. He reappeared wearing a black tux and a billowing cape-like thing, something that you'd expect a count to wear. Aeris gave a nervous little laugh as he approached the table and bowed.  
  
"What's with the get up? Is Kain rubbing off on you, Count Sephiroth?" Aeris asked playfully, he only laughed at her reply.  
  
Once he was seated, the food came piling out from the kitchen and placed on trays around the small round table that Sephiroth and Aeris occupied. Aeris was allowed to choose from all the food that she wanted as the butler served her. Sephiroth didn't pick and choose, however, the butler before hand served him. Aeris wondered if he had already told the butler what he wanted. They ate in silence, Sephiroth watched her every move with great care, making her a bit more nervous. The butler served them the finest wine and waited on them hand and foot until they were through, taking the dishes into the kitchen once the couple was finished. Finally, Sephiroth stood and took Aeris' hand.  
  
"So you like to dance?" he asked as he led her out to the entranceway, which was cleared out for the purpose, or so it seemed. The butler put on various eighteen century music pieces and they started waltzing. This waltzing didn't stop until half an hour later, and Aeris was totally wiped out. He asked if she needed a rest and when she said yes, he agreed and joined her at the table again. Intently gazing at her, he spoke again. "Let us go to the Gondola, I have something I wish to say to you."  
  
"Um, okay." Aeris replied, not sure what would happen. She felt a bit strange that she was on a date with someone that murdered her relentlessly. She thought to herself a bit. 'Well, this is totally ironic.'  
  
Ten minutes later inside the Gondola, Aeris and Sephiroth sat on the wooden benches. He watched her as she gazed at the fireworks like she always did. He looked away, his heart pounding wildly in his chest and his face blushing madly as the fireworks went off in the background rather obnoxiously, yet he pushed himself to speak.  
  
"Um, Aeris? I know this might be a bit weird for you right now, since I did kill you, but I just... I just wanted you to know that you... Um, you, uh... I really, really like you. Ugh! I sound like a fool, I know and I'm sorry, but I can't hold it in any longer. Actually, I don't just like you, I think I'm in love with you, if this is love. You're so beautiful and cheerful and smart and... I'm so sorry, you probably hate me for me being so evil, and if you do hate me, I can understand. I'll just leave you alone if you do, but if you have any feelings for me at all, I'm willing to try and-" At last, Sephiroth had the courage to look up at her to see her expression. However, his heart slumped when he saw her still looking out the window squinting in pain as she was plugging her ears as the fireworks began to die down. She turned back to him and unplugged her ears.  
  
".... Did you say something a bit ago? I'm sorry, the fireworks were really loud." He let out a low cry of anguish and buried his face in his hands. The ride stopped and Sephiroth hurried off and walked back towards the travel tube with his head hung in humiliation. Aeris knew he must have said something and kept prodding at him for whatever it was. "What?! Are you feeling okay? If you said something, I'm listening now. What did you say? Come on! I said I'm sorry, what did you say? Please! Say it! I'm right here. What did you say?!!!"  
  
"NOTHING! I SAID NOTHING TO YOU, DAMMIT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!" Sephiroth snapped and ran off crying. Aeris stared after him in surprise and gave a shrugged.  
  
Aeris got back at the hotel and saw no Sephiroth, but heard faint sobbing in one of the room upstairs. The hotel was back to normal and the guys were all there and Kuja was also wearing a tux and holding flowers as he waited for her. She was happy for two things: One, that he was wearing something made for a man and two, that he was the last date. Aeris and Kuja left together and the rest of the guys slumped down on the floor.  
  
"Do we have to worry about Aeris with him?" Link asked Kain who was sitting in a chair.  
  
"Nah, he's too gay, he won't last at all in this date." Kain told them.  
  
Several hours later...... (I'm eating a graham cracker; they're good for the soul!)  
  
The guys had fallen asleep while playing cards but were awoken when the hotel doors were kicked open. A laughing Kuja was carrying a drunken laughing Aeris who was holding flowers in one hand and a bottle of wine in another. Legolas, Kain, Link, and Dante couldn't believe what they saw. Kuja's once tidy tux was completely messy and opened and his face, neck and the upper section of his chest was covered with lipstick from various kiss marks. Aeris' lipstick. Sephiroth walked down the stairs, saw this and ran back to his room crying again. Aeris and Kuja were singing the Yo Ho pirate song for no reason what so ever.  
  
"How... When.... How... HOW?!?!?!" Legolas stuttered. Kuja carried Aeris past him and up to her room. He came back a minute later.  
  
"I thought you were going to go do her." Dante said, regaining his wits.  
  
"What kind of sick bastard takes advantage of a drunken lady?!?!" Kuja asked sharply. "NO! Besides, she past out when I put her on the bed."  
  
"How the hell did YOU score and not us?!!?!? Eh?!?!?" Kain demanded viciously.  
  
"Well, my brother, snot faced as he is, thinks he's smooth with the ladies, but he's nothing when compared to me. I know what the women really like." Kuja told them as he buttoned up his shirt with an evil grin on his pretty face. He went off up to his own room for the approaching night.  
  
"How paradoxical." Legolas said, staring after him. "Well I'm turning in early."  
  
"I'm getting something to eat." Dante said, heading for the kitchen. Legolas went upstairs as well.  
  
"Me too." Kain said, heading for the nearest populace. Link just sorta walked around like a moron. Sephiroth is still crying in a closet somewhere in the hotel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: SO! You like chappy? Hmmmmmmmmm? Well, I think it sucked, personally.  
  
Sephiroth: You wrote it.  
  
Author: That's why it sucks.  
  
Kuja: You really shouldn't put yourself down like that, it causes stress, and you know what that means....  
  
Author: Getting drunk and eating three cans of chili and two vats of ice- cream in one sitting while pondering the meaning of life?  
  
Kuja: uh, no... Wrinkles, love, wrinkles.  
  
Dante: Hahah! Aeris/author's got wrinkles! SHE'S AN OLD BROAD!  
  
Author: Kain, sic him. (Kain flies and topples the laughing Dante) Good boy! Well, it seems someone has a question for me.... It's from Marksman. YO! (goes into a spasm of laughter and sounds like Alfred Ashford from Resident Evil Code Veronica Director's Cut Hyper Slash Dualshock Flash Edition...... X.)  
  
Alfred: MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!! Clair Redfield! How dare you try to destroy my family's company, Umbrella.INC?! I'm going use my sniper riffle; Aim; AND MISS! MWHAHAHAHAH! (Dresses up in drag and runs off laughing like my insomniac-like grandma)  
  
Nemesis: STAAAAAARRRRSSSSSSSSS!  
  
Author: Anyways, the question is for Sephiroth. AHEM! "Will you fight me for the love of Aeris?"  
  
Sephiroth:....  
  
Author: (Blinks at him innocently with her eyes all glassy and irresistible looking) Well?  
  
Sephiroth: .... Hell no! You can have her! She ain't worth it though.  
  
Author: ...WHAT?????????!?!?!??!!?!!!!!!!!!!?!?!???????!?!?!?! (Picks up a possum and beats him with it.)  
  
Vincent: You know? I wasn't in this chapter much.  
  
Link: I know how you feel.  
  
Cloud: Well guess what! I WAS ONLY IN THIS WHOLE FIC ONCE SO FAR! GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!!  
  
Vincent: I'm surprised, I thought Cloud would be wearing the dress.  
  
Sephiroth: (gets up and pushes Aeris/Author away and draws his sword) CLOUD!!!  
  
Cloud: (Now wearing a dress. Draws his Ultima weapon) SEPHIROTH!!! (They immediately attack one another like that cool Kingdom Hearts clip that only I saw, because I have people that know things. HA!)  
  
Legolas: Uh, shouldn't we stop em?  
  
Kuja: Nah, sooner or later, they'll have bled enough for them to faint, then we can take care of the bodies. I like his dress, I wonder if it'd fit me?  
  
Kain: (is watching Interview with the Vampire) .... Lastat is da man! I have a new role model now!  
  
Author: Well until next chapter (does Spock's hand gesture) Live Long and Prosper, as the space elves like to say. Ten more reviews! Later! 


	13. Thanks to all the small people: midgets

Chapter XIII  
  
Author: OOHHHHHHHH! So exciting! We're on the thirteenth chapter? Well, TOO BAD! I'm not continuing it!  
  
All: WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Author: No, I'm just kidding ya! Hahaha! But this chapter is not going to be on the story, this chapter's ganna be completely random crap. A story within a story! Like Hash dot Sign or whatever. Just not extremely confusing and repetitive in gameplay.  
  
All: Yeeahhhh - !!!!! Noooooo!!!  
  
Author: Too F***in' bad! All in all, it's just ganna be like an overly long author note, with thanks to my reviewers and special guests and crap like that. So I'm ganna start this off... For those people that are either Chinese or really retarded and tuned in now instead of reading it from the beginning, I'm Aeris/author, (I'm cutting the 'author' part off to save space.) This is my fic. Duh.  
  
Sephiroth: (stares at a picture behind Aeris) Hmm... So, you want to make fun of me, eh? LET ME CALL MY AGENT, MR. STABITY KNIFE!!!!!!!! (Sephiroth takes out his Masamune and stabs the picture of Hojo.)  
  
Aeris: (jumps around, screaming from being startled.) AAAAAHHHHH! Where the hell did you come from?!?!  
  
Sephiroth: Blame my parents, Aeris (Sephiroth skips over to her smiling evilly)  
  
Aeris: (examines her nails in a bored manner after calming down.) Are you going to kill me again, Sephy?  
  
Sephiroth: Feh! Been there, done that... Do you have any tea, Aeris? (Pulls her in romantically.)  
  
Aeris: (tries to struggle out of his grasp but to no avail.) No, I haven't any tea! What is with Final Fantasy characters and their tea!?!? Let go, you brute, let go I say! (Elisha, Dante, Kuja, Ashley and Yuffie walk into the room and suddenly everyone's materia is gone. All look at Yuffie.)  
  
Yuffie: (looks innocently at everyone.) WHAT?!?!?  
  
Reno: (A.K.A. Patrick, runs in and throws Yuffie over his shoulder with an evil grin on his face and runs off with her.)  
  
Dante: What.... The.... Hell? Hey! I'm in hell! Sweeeeeeet.  
  
Kuja: Um, people out in the audience, this is Ashley (points at Ashley who smiles and waves insanely from behind him), she's one of the reappearing guest like Elisha (points at Elisha who smiles evilly at Kuja himself, and plotting her next pie raid at the nearest bakery.). So, um, yeah. (Gets toppled by both Elisha and Ashley and nearly squeezed to death from the immense hugging.)  
  
Elisha and Ashley: (hugs Kuja repetitively.) HUGGLES!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja: (gasping for air.) Can't... breath....!!!! Smearing... make-up!!!! NOOOOOO!  
  
Aeris: (is still being violated by Sephiroth for no reason at all, screaming at him.) Get your hands off me!!! When I'm free, I will so summon the legion of Keabler elves of the apocalypse to kick your ass! Hey! NO! Get off! Listen you!!!!! Oh! Hey, that feels kinda.... nice. Ooooh. Lowerrrrrr.... Mmmmmmm... Oh, yeah, Sephy.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY! Wait! Don't you dare put your hand there!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NO MAN IS TO TOUCH ME THERE!!!!!!!!  
  
Elisha: (folds her arms) So you're not enjoying this at all, Aeris? You're the one writing this crap!  
  
Aeris: (gave up squirming and looks at Elisha then at Sephiroth, then back again. Evil smile.) SIT BOY!!!  
  
Sephiroth: (falls to the floor automatically. Aeris then pours cold water over him and he turns into a rabid peacock.) Cuuuuu?! (Kagome and Girl Ranma run in)  
  
Kagome: Hey! That's my line!!!  
  
Girl Ranma: (splashes self with warm water and becomes a boy) Yeah! And you stole the transforming water from the Chinese Springs!!!  
  
Aeris: Get lost! I'm they writer here! I'll use whatever the hell I want! And YOU both can't stop me! Nyah! (Sticks tongue out at them.)  
  
Rabid Peacock Sephiroth: CUUUU!!!!!!!  
  
Kagome: No, maybe we can't...  
  
Ranma: But they can! (Pointing at the elite team of animators and artists, and their evil lawyers. All lawyers are Satan's spawn. EVIL!)  
  
Aeris: (splashes warm water on Sephiroth, resulting in him changing back.) Ha! You think you scare me?! Me, the chick that got stabbed in the back by Sephy here -  
  
Sephiroth: Yo  
  
Aeris: and was revived by the Ancients, a.k.a. Cetra, because I am so special. (I am hungry.) Your lawyers are sissies!  
  
Lawyers: (who coincidently resemble Agent Smith, Agent Brown and Agent Jones from the first, and the best, matrix movie. The Matrix Has You. Yes, you. What do you mean 'what the f***?!', you're on it right now! Your computer, idiot, not your chair. Yessssss. Follow a white bunny or something. Like Alice. Why are you reading this?! Go outside and get some exercise, damn it! Why am I talking to you? I'm supposed to be writing. Okay, I'll write... The lawyers look like Agent Smith, k? Right. I think Agent smith's sexy. Yeah. It's the suits.) Grab the human/cetra, she knows far too much. (Whips out their Desert Eagles, sexy guns. Meow. Like pudding. WHY AM I STILL BREATHING?!?!?!??!?!?!)  
  
Aeris: AHHHHH! (Runs away. The lawyers follow. Dante, Ashley, Elisha and Sephiroth are now alone in the room.)  
  
Elisha: ...... Who's up for a little Strip Dance-Dance Revolution? (Evil smile.)  
  
Ashley: Sephiroth is! Then he'll have to walk around butt naked and people will throw things at him and he'll get really cold and catch a cold and -  
  
Sephiroth: I get the impression you don't like me.  
  
Ashley: (plotting something evil towards Sephiroth.) Hehehehehehehe!  
  
Hojo: (walks into the room with a bucket on his head while breathing heavily.)  
  
All: (stares at Hojo.)  
  
Sephiroth: Do you need an inhaler?  
  
Hojo: No, Luke -  
  
Sephiroth: It's Sephiroth.  
  
Hojo: Right. No, Sephiroth... But I need to tell you something, Sephiroth...  
  
Sephiroth: What? That you're a sick child-molesting bastard? I already knew that.  
  
Michael Jackson: (squeaky voice) Did somebody mention me? I think that's racist. Lick the children.  
  
Dante: IT'S SATAN!!!!! (pulls out his sword and attacks MJ, chasing him out of the room.)  
  
Hojo: No. Sephiroth..... I am your father. Join me and the dark side. Together, we can rule the universe!  
  
Sephiroth: (raises eyebrow.) Uh, hello? I'm already evil! I decided to evil a long time ago, so I wore all black and this trench coat-thingy. The chicks dig the trench coat-thingies. And I would rather kill you, old man.  
  
Vincent: (walks in and screams at the top of his lungs.) DIE MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Raises his Death Penalty to Hojo's head and watches with twisted pleasure as the psychopath's brains spray across the once white wall, now drenched in Hojo's blood. Vincent then turns and sighs) Sigh. Lucrecia... Finally, I have avenged you. Now I may rest in peace.(jumps into the nearest hole... Silence follows and then,) Um, could I get a blanket please?  
  
Elisha: (Tears away from Kuja and, being the fanatical Vince lover that she is, jumps at his command. She grabs a blanket, then follows him into the hole after him. She doesn't come back out.) Wow! Vinny, your hair IS soft!  
  
Vincent: Yeah, babe. I got more where that came from, heheh.  
  
Aeris: (dressed up as Lulu from Final Fantasy X: all gothicy and stuff.) I told you Vincent was a pervert!  
  
Sephiroth: (takes one look at Aeris in the costume and drools.)  
  
Elisha: (screams from the hole) He is NOT!  
  
Kuja: (escapes from Ashley's hugging grip.) Where the hell did you come from?! I thought those guys were -  
  
Ashley: (pokes the entranced Sephiroth with a stick) What are you doing? (She beats him with the stick when he doesn't reply.) SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: (still gothicy and stuff.) When I was thirteen, I thought the world would end in fifty-one years. But it ends when I stab myself with a pen! Can someone send me the song "1000 words" from FFX-2, the English version? PLEASE!!!!!!!! I WON'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: (now kneeling before Aeris with her hand in his.) OH my dark goddess of evil! Take me as your love slave! Together we can take over the world and cause the damnation of all!  
  
Aeris: (creeped out.) What the hell?!?! It's me, Aeris! I'm just wearing a black mage costume!  
  
Sephiroth: ...... Oh. Well, uh, could you wear that all the time?  
  
Aeris: All these belts are rather heavy. And it feels and looks like my breasts are ganna pop out!  
  
Sephiroth: Yeah, that's the point - Er, uh, I mean, I think it looks rather nice.  
  
Aeris: (rolls eyes) whatever. Anyways. Hello, Ashley, how're ya doin'?  
  
Ashley: (cuddles with a passed out Kuja) Good!  
  
Aeris: Cool. (Looks around a bit.) Where are all the guys? (Sees a bunch of bats flying her way.  
  
Kain: (appears after the bats form together.) I love that trick. (Sees Aeris in the Lulu costume) Sweet unholy mamma! You look hot!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: Um. Thank you?  
  
Ashley: What about the others, Link, Legolas, and Dante.  
  
Dante: (Pops up. He's covered in blood and guts.) Yo! (Sees Aeris) Damn, she's hot! Who's the chick? Is she one of those strippers from those sadistic nightclubs?  
  
Aeris: (Gets really mad and throws a Lightning-3 at him.) IT'S ME! AERIS!  
  
Dante: (charred and partially on fire) ow.  
  
Aeris: Oh! Time for the thanks! Ashley, since Elisha is busy with Vinny in that random near by hole over there in the corner, could you hand me the list of names?  
  
Ashley: Sure! (hands her the list.)  
  
Aeris: Thank you. (Clears throat and sucks in an enormous amount of air.) I'd like to thank the following for reviewing for this fanfic: Kitsunedemon. Dumber than a Moogle ass, I love your pen name. Rosiana, in other words Ashley over here, strike a pose!  
  
Ashley: (Strikes an awkward pose while still managing to look cute) Hi!  
  
Aeris: Cloud-Bahamut, Thanks for all your reviews! Yuffie Kisaragi 2. Artemis Mog. Guardian of the Twilight. Demoness Tsukara, please update the fic with Sessy-samma! I LOVED it! SirLief, is Tifa pregnant with Vincent's child when you had them mate in the coffin? Slaughtermaw, I've updated so that you wouldn't kill me. Rayne B. Black Dragon. Ruby Weapon. Shaman Outcast. Ashnat Productions, let me know when you submit your fic, it sounds interesting. Sphinx-Keeper. Dark Shadow. Dante.  
  
Dante: Yo!  
  
Aeris: The reviewer, not you.  
  
Dante: Oh. Sniffles.  
  
Aeris: Deeds. TiamatTheUnholy, please tell me what you use for your comics! I want to make comics like yours! Gothic Yokai, you have cute fics. DD. Akira Kijo, could I borrow Vampire Hunter D sometime? I'm craving for that movie! See you at school. (Gasps for air.) The Reaper. Dia 3. DarkNightDestiny. Bahamutslave. DBZsista. Chaotic pink Chocobo, I also love your pen name. Jamie. Punk Rock Bitch, another cool pen name. Kay De Crystalline. MarkmanofWexford, thanks for your reviews and support. A lot of you have some awesome fics! I'll try and read all of those that I haven't been able to get to. And finally, Dark-Sephy.... But I think he hates me. (Runs off and cries)  
  
Ashley: (follows and comforts Aeris) Look what you did, Dark-Sephy!  
  
Aeris: (stops crying) Nah! I'm just kidding, we're cool.  
  
Ashley: Really?  
  
Aeris: Yup. Yo! ELISHA!!!!!!!!! Dark-Sephy wants you to continue Raising Tidus, as do I. YOU BETTER DO IT!  
  
Elisha: (comes out of the hole with Vincent. His hair has been braid and make up all over his face.) I dunno, I might get to it. Isn't Vinny pretty?!  
  
Vincent: .............. Why.  
  
Kuja: IS THAT MY EYE-LINER?!?!?!?!  
  
Sephiroth: (is taking pictures of Vincent.) Hahahahah!  
  
Cloud: (walks in) 'Sup. Whoa! Vincent! Nice make up!  
  
Aeris: (does the FF X-2 sphere-grid thingy and turns back to her regular pink dress.) Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Aeris! (he runs to great her.) Oh, Aeris! I love you!  
  
Sephiroth: (throws a motorcycle at Cloud, and it would of hit him had Cloud not leapt out of the way.) GET YOUR HANDS OFF AERIS!!!!!!! (Walks over between Aeris and Cloud.)  
  
Aeris: Sephy? (Confused at his actions)  
  
Ashley and Elisha: Ooooooooooooh! Cloud and Sephiroth are ganna fight! GO CLOUD!  
  
Cloud: (shows off a white smile, making all the fan girls in the audience scream with glee. He then turns back towards Sephiroth and glares.) I don't see your name on her pal!  
  
Markman: (walks in) Nor do I! Sephiroth, I challenge you to a fight over a date with Aeris! Cloud, you have Tifa! So don't get between us while we fight, or else!  
  
Cloud: (now wearing a dress) I love them both! Except Tifa's pregnant with some guy's baby and I don't think she likes me anymore. Sniffles.  
  
Sephiroth: Cloud, I'll let you know when anyone cares. In the meantime, go to hell, you cross dressing... er, Fag! You too, Markman!  
  
Kain: (using his dark gift, charm, from behind a conveniently located tree) Come my little beautiful birdie, come with me. (Unfortunately, it wasn't working.)  
  
Aeris: (throws a Fire-3 at Kain, gets really mad and pulls out her staff.) Quit fighting!!!! Argh! I'm getting nowhere with this!  
  
Markman: (pulls out a sword and points it at Sephiroth) FIGHT ME SEPHIROTH!!!!  
  
Cloud: (pulls out his hair gel, wait, no. His Ultima sword.) I LOVE AERIS TOO!!!! Do these high heels make me look fat?  
  
Sephiroth: (pulls out his Masamune.) BRING IT ON!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!  
  
Aeris: (beats them all over the head.) You! Markman! No fighting inside!  
  
Vincent: I shot Hojo's brains across the walls and you didn't care.  
  
Aeris: Sephiroth! You know better! And, you! Cloud! I only like you as a friend! I did think you were hot until you were about to kiss Don Corneo (kudos for those of you who know what I'm talking about.) I thought you were gay!  
  
Dark-Sephiroth: (jumps into the room.) HA! Markman! I have found you! Prepare yourself! (Attacks Markman. They fight and wrestle and beat the crap out of each other for the next hour and a half.)  
  
Cloud: Damn you, Sephiroth! You have her under your control! I will release her from it! (Attacks Sephiroth and they too fight, wrestle and beat the crap out of each other for the next hour and a half.)  
  
Aeris: Phht! Men... Can't live with 'em and you can't mentally control them to do your bidding. (Goes and drinks tea with Elisha, Ashley and Cid, who cusses at them to drink it. Dante pokes at Kain's burning body with a stick. Vincent and Kuja are playing with each other's hair. Legolas and Link walk in, sees all this and walk back out, chatting to one-another in elvish about cows and strapping chickens to their bodices. Finally, an hour and a half later, the fighting died down.  
  
Sephiroth: (gets up and spits on the now bleeding and unconscious, nearly dead Cloud.) HA! I won!  
  
Dark-Sephiroth: (gets up as well and kicked the fallen Markman.) No more stealing my stuff!  
  
Aeris: That was rather harsh, don't you think? I swear! All men can think about is violence! (Turns to Ashley) Hey, wanna go pummel Hojo's dead and headless body with this vacuum cleaner I found?  
  
Ashley: Sure! Wheeee! Pummeling! Pummeling! Yeahhhh! (They go off and beat Hojo's body until it could no longer hold in it's internal organs and liquids and blood and so on. Aeris finishes early and goes to hug Dark- Sephy.)  
  
Markman: (wheezing and badly injured, gets up to run) Mark my words! I will be back for a date with Aeris! You will pay dearly!  
  
Dark-Sephiroth: (is being squeezed by Aeris) Whatever. (a flock of pigeons come and peck at Cloud's unconscious body.)  
  
Sephiroth: ....!!!! (Realizes that Aeris was now his. He runs over and picks her up and is about to carry her off when,)  
  
Ashley: Oh! I get to beat on Sephiroth! WHEEEE! (Begins beating Sephiroth with the vacuum. His hair gets sucked up the vacuum and he begin to scream.)  
  
Sephiroth: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! GET IT OFFFFF!!!!! GET IT OFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ashley: Uh, oh. Better get it off him! (Pulls out scissors and cuts.)  
  
Sephiroth: (is freed but no longer has long hair.) ........ (Reaches up very slowly and feels his hair. Everyone in the room stares at his new look. He turns deathly pale and runs to a mirror in the bathroom. A few seconds later, intense screaming could be heard within a five-mile radius. He runs out of the bathroom still shrieking and holding the short tufts of what's left of his hair.)  
  
Aeris: (watches the screaming Sephiroth run insanely about in every direction.) Oh, no. He's ganna go insane. (turns to audience.) Please! You must submit thirteen more reviews and somebody could email me that X-2 English '1000 words' song to: thehotmageaeris@hotmail.com  
  
Aeris: You must! Or else, Sephiroth will go insane, well, more insane and kill himself. Hmmm... If you look at him with short hair, he looks like a grown Riku from Kingdom Hearts.  
  
Riku: (walks in and sees Sephiroth.) Dear god! I'm ganna be insane when I get older!!!! Damn you Sora!!!!!! I am so not being his friend anymore! (Runs back out.)  
  
Aeris: Geez! You are so evil, Ashley.  
  
Ashley: Thank you.  
  
Aeris: Hey, lets go cause chaos throughout the many worlds of Final Fantasy. Coming Elisha?  
  
Elisha: Only if Kuja is!  
  
Ashley: Come, Kuja! Listen to your master!  
  
Kuja: Where the hell's my freedom?!  
  
Ashley: COME!  
  
Kuja: okay. (Follows obediently.)  
  
Vincent: Wait for me! (Follows as well.)  
  
Sephiroth: (still running directionless like a mad man.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MYYYYYYY HHAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! MY PRECIOUS HAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: (who just came to, yet still out of it.) What pretty moogles! They're dancing! (he begins poking the air.) AHHHHH!!!!! Pink Christina Aguelara monsters!!!!!  
  
Dante: Dude! (slaps Kain totally awake.) Check it out! Sephiroth's gone insane, man! His hair got cut and he snapped!  
  
Kain: (they both watch him run around shrieking over and over) .... Ten bucks says he passes out within half an hour.  
  
Dante: You're on! (And so they watch him run and scream, Dante eating popcorn and Kain eating the remains of Hojo and Michael Jackson. Kain later got bad food poisoning from both.)  
  
(End?) 


	14. Ch 14 The monkey poo has hit the fan

Chapter 14  
  
Author: Hey! It is I, your lordess and master, Aeris/Author! Mwahahahhaha, okay I'll shut up. Well, okay, maybe I won't shut up. Thanks for all the reviews. And the 1000 words stuff, thank you all a lot. It saved Sephy-poo, here.  
  
Sephiroth: (walks in with all his long beautiful locks) Don't call me that.  
  
Kuja: I thought you lost all your hair!!!!!  
  
Kain: Yeah! And you looked like Dante's twin or something.  
  
Dante: I'm the better looking one.  
  
Ashley: (who just popped up) How did you regrow you hair?!  
  
Sephiroth: When you cut my hair, you forgot one important thing, mate.  
  
Ashley: What?  
  
Sephiroth: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! Wait! No. No, I'm Sephiroth! Yeah............ I need to stop watching that movie.  
  
Author: (now in Lulu Goth wear) Yes, Sephiroth, you need help. But don't we all? Sephiroth got his hair back because I am the author and my will is all. Well, and also that he has Jenova cells in him and somehow it allows him to grow his hair back in just a few weeks.  
  
Sephiroth: (kneeling before Aeris/Author in her Lulu costume again) My gods that dress you good on you!  
  
Author: (embarrassed) Er, thanks?  
  
Sephiroth: But it would look even better on my bedroom floor, baby!  
  
(A display of flowers and hearts appears while elevator music plays in the background. "Please stand by.........." Is written in the background.)  
  
Vincent: Due to the intense violence, we apologize. (Looks at Sephiroth's bleeding body)  
  
Author: (covered in blood. Not hers, but Sephiroth's) Sorry 'bout that.  
  
Ashley: oh, my! (Devil horns sprout from her head) HOW NIFTY!  
  
Akira Kijo: Hey! There's where my devil horns went! Grrr!  
  
Author: (Hugs Akira) HI! We should start that stupid chapter now.  
  
Legolas: Hey, aren't you a little messy?  
  
Link: (faints at the sight of all the blood)  
  
Kain: Aeris/author? (Licks his lips at the sight of her, bloody and in the Lulu outfit) I could lick you clean.  
  
(Again, a display of flowers and hearts appears while elevator music plays in the background. "Please stand by.........." Is written in the background.)  
  
Everyone that hasn't been beaten bloody: (stares at Aeris/Author)  
  
Author: (Even bloodier) I'm getting hungry. My dad used puppies to pick up chicks at parks, that's how he met my mom. Okay, no more delays! START! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Silky smooth Chapter 14!  
  
While I wear my Kos-Mos outfit, the pigeons fly to Santa Clause (FLUFF! BE WARNED!). I think accents are sexy, especially British ones. Aeris was walking slowly towards the battle arena in Olympus. The Olympus stadium. Her green eyes scanned the dusty stadium for any signs of the enemy. She went into a serious battle stance when she saw a ripple in the air above her, letting out a single black feather to float down to the ground before her. Black boots followed the feather's example and gently touched the ground, revealing the deadly foe of Aeris.  
  
"Sephiroth!" Aeris growled, holding up her staff for battle.  
  
"Aeris!" He whispered evilly in return, gripping his Masamune tightly in his right hand. His single black wing spread outward quickly, commencing the battle as he rushed full speed towards her and she to him.  
  
Their weapons clashed together fiercely and 'twas a bloody battle. Sweat and blood streamed down both their faces and they came to together, face-to- face, with their weapons locked together. They glared and pushed against the other's weapon, trying to get the other to yield. Aeris finally broke the connection and leapt swiftly backwards before Sephiroth could strike her in the air. Clothes torn, bloody and covered in the arena's dust, Aeris spat blood out to the side. Sephiroth stood up and smirked, chuckling at her. Aeris peeled her eyes at him suspiciously. He dropped his head back and laughed fully in a malicious way. His black wing and his body shook with laughter as she looked at him dumbfounded and confused.  
  
"Quit laughing and fight, damn it!" Aeris clenched her fist at him as he continued to laugh. He laughed even harder at her.  
  
Without any warning, he shot forward and had her pinned against the Coliseum's wall with her weapon knocked out of hand before she could even blink. He grinned wickedly at her petite figure and began to strangle her throat. Aeris gasped for air but to no avail. (Evil sadistic Sephy! I just love him that way!)  
  
"no......... let go........." Aeris' voice rasped under his bloody gloved hands. She was getting weaker and began to see spots. His eyes pierced hers in great determination. She shut her eyes, grating her teeth as she used the last ounce of strength to try and remove his grip from her. However, she failed and felt her lungs burn from lack of oxygen. A single tear rolled down her cheek and Sephiroth saw this.  
  
His sadistic smirk softened to a calm smile. Slowly, he let go and watched her gasp in air as she almost fell to her knees. He caught her in his arms and steadied her while she coughed madly for several minutes before snapping her face up at him with a look of sheer confusion.  
  
"Wha –"She began to say, yet was cut off when Sephiroth hastily brought his face to hers and kissed her deeply. The whole time, Aeris' mind was screaming: 'WHAT THE F(^$& IS GOING ON?!?!?!' Yet she did nothing about it, in fact, she was sorta enjoying it. (Mmmmmmm, minty! I'm listening to '1000 words' right now, which makes me very sentimental, so back off!)  
  
Everything faded into white and finally Aeris could see again. She was wearing a white apron and stirring a bowl of cake mixture. She looked around confused beyond all reason. She surveyed her surroundings to find that she was in her own house, yet she was not alone. Aeris could hear a deep voice and several children giggling in the other room. Still holding the bowl, Aeris exited the kitchen to investigate what was going on. Once she turned the corner, she almost dropped the cake mixture due to what she saw before her. Sephiroth was sitting on the sofa, smiling down at three children that sat at his feet. He was wearing a normal black long-sleeved shirt and black slacks as the children laughed. Two of the kids, twin girls, had silver hair like Sephiroth. The third child, who was a boy, had the same color of hair as Aeris did. Sephiroth went on talking when the kids stopped laughing.  
  
"......... And that, kids, was how I met your mother." Sephiroth told them, before noticing Aeris standing in the doorway with her jaw dropped. He got up to approach her. "Sweetheart! How's the cake?"  
  
Aeris flung cake mixture into the air, which landed on Sephiroth's head, and shrieked at the realization of what was going on. She kept screaming and sat up quickly, stopping after a few seconds to breathe in air. She blinked and looked around. She was back in her room of the haunted hotel. She was still shaking.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!??!?! What kind of freakin' dream was that?!" Aeris demanded of herself. She got out of her bed and noticed that she was still wearing her pink dress. Before she could do anything, the door flew open and Sephiroth came running in with the other guys right behind him.  
  
"Aeris! Are you alright?!" Sephiroth asked. Aeris looked at him and screamed before jumping back unto her bed and under her covers. He was quite taken back from her reaction. "What?"  
  
"MOLESTATION!!!!!!" Aeris shrieked from under the covers.  
  
"What?!" Sephiroth asked as he immediately turned towards Kain. He glared evilly at Kain, cracking his knuckles in a threatening manner.  
  
"WHAT?!?! I didn't do anything!!!" Kain said innocently, holding up his hands to try and prove himself.  
  
"......... Right." Sephiroth said sarcastically. "And I'm a pink Chocobo, adorned in cute little frilly bows and–"  
  
"Okay! Enough of this!" Aeris said, flinging the covers off. "Nothing is wrong, I just had a really insane dream. That's all. I think that we should get ready and leave for Midgar."  
  
"Um, okay." They replied, leaving for their rooms. Sephiroth, however, stayed behind and watched Aeris as she pulled out her suitcase, unaware of his presence.  
  
"Is everything okay, Aeris?" Sephiroth asked quietly, startling her. He stood calmly, watching her spin around rapidly.  
  
"N-no, I mean, yes! Everything's okay! I thought I told you to go pack." Aeris replied nervously.  
  
"Why are you so jumpy?" Sephiroth asked, grinning contentedly as he stepped closer to her.  
  
"I-I'm just tired, that's all." Aeris said, stepping backwards into the bed as he closed the distance between them.  
  
"Why are you nervous, Aeris?" Sephiroth asked smoothly. She didn't reply when he stood right in front of her. "Aeris, I must ask you, how do you feel about me?"  
  
"I, um, I –"Aeris was now shaking, remembering what had happened in her dream. Sephiroth bent over and she could feel his breath on her neck.  
  
"Oh, Aeris......... I just wanted you to know that......... That I love—"Sephiroth began. However, he was cut off when a wild pack of moogles came crashing through the bedroom window to their right. The moogles trampled over Sephiroth right in front of a stunned and confused Aeris in a desperate attempt to escape from Link that hotly pursued them. Link tripped over Sephiroth's stampeded body, while the moogles fled out the door. (HA! And you thought ya'll was ganna get somethin'! No, not yet.)  
  
"NO! Aw, crap monkeys! They got away!" Link cried as he got up and brushed himself off. "I was ganna try and fly with them strapped to my back!"  
  
"I'M GANNA MAKE YOU FLY!!! TO YOUR DEATH!!! YOU RUINED THE MOMENT!!!!! YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE DEAD BEFORE YOUR BODY HITS THE GROUND THOUGH, YOU DO KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?!!!!" Sephiroth roared when he got off the floor. He began to chase the elf-like virgin as the elf-like virgin ran for his life. Sephiroth chased Link out of Aeris' room and she was left alone again. Pork loins.  
  
"The moment?" Aeris muttered in bewilderment. Metaphorically, love is trying to beat her in the head with a shovel until she understood; yet she is STILL oblivious. Poor Aeris, as dense as they come. She forced herself to stop trembling and went back to packing. "I'm so confused right now."  
  
An hour later......... with the soy sauce I now lovingly refer to as the mantra of DOOM!  
  
"Is everyone ready to leave?" Aeris asked the group of men/vampires/elves/monkey-tailed sorcerers/genetically half-aliens/half demons. They all nodded. Aeris noticed that someone was missing. "Where's Link?"  
  
"Hiding from his impending death." Sephiroth muttered too low for anyone to hear.  
  
"Hi, Aeris." Link ran up behind Aeris, trying to hide from Sephiroth's line of sight. Though, not doing a really good job at it, Sephiroth kept giving him the evil eye. I'm burning you with my mind. Grrrrr! Okay, now I'm getting a headache.  
  
"Okay! Let's get back to the Highwind then!" Aeris jumped up and down in excitement, laughing like a little schoolgirl. Thus they marched out of the Haunted Hotel and to the Gold Saucer lift, boarding it and watching the view as they came back down to ground level. They then made their way through North Corel, saying hi and goodbye to Barret and Marlene, who was trying to keep Barret from pummeling some worker for breaking glass that was supposed to be used for a window. They left Coral and walked all the way back to the Highwind.  
  
"Um......... Is this thing flyable? I mean, did we damage it at all?!"  
  
"If you did *%#&ing brake something, which you had better *%#&ing not have, I think I would have *%#&ing fixed what needed *%#&ing fixin' when I was still drunk. So get the hell on!" Cid said in one of his nicer tones.  
  
Everyone boarded in a mild rush in fear of getting a Venus Gospel stabbed into their ass. Skittles, taste the leprechaun! When everyone was ready and all was well, Cid started up the Highwind and they were off in the air. A minute after they were in flight, Cid was busy going over the navigations as Vincent comes into the control room to join him. Cid noticed him when he went to stand in his usual spot in the room. Cid paid him no mind and went back to steering the Highwind. A minute later, Link came running blindly into the room due to being chased by Sephiroth for earlier reasons. Cid was about to scream at them for '($^#ing around' before Link collided into him and they were both knocked out from a brutal head concussion. Sephiroth quickly grabbed the little Keabler-wannabe and dragged him out of the room so that he may administer a severe beating on the little virgin. Vincent stood silently, watching the whole ordeal with no change of emotion at all. He looked around cautiously before walking over the unconscious Cid and over to the steering wheel thingy. He grinned slightly before beginning to steer the airship.  
  
'Wheeeeeeeeee!!!' Vincent squealed inside his mind giddily. He turned the wheel back and forth, going right and left over and over. After several more minutes, the Highwind began to jolt (Mmmmmmm, Jolt! Full of caffeine!) and swerve to where Vincent grew uncomfortable. The Highwind was also beginning to loose power as it flew above a 'mysterious' waterfall. However, Vinny had read the panel and pushed the 'x-button', landing the Highwind on a small inlet of grass near the waterfall. Cid finally began to regain consciousness, screaming off his head at Vincent when he realized what happened. However, he was glad Vincent had landed it properly and went to see what went wrong after Vinny told him what happened. Everyone came into the control room to see what was the matter.  
  
"Somethin' *&$#ing happened to the engine. I'm ganna need to *(%$#ing fix the s#it." Cid told them as he went for tools. "It's ganna take a while so *(&$ off! Damn thing!"  
  
"Why do you think the engine died, Cid?" Aeris asked.  
  
"How the hell should I know?!" he replied. Vincent turned to her solemnly.  
  
"Well, it was almost as if an unseen force disturbed it and stopped the engine, like in the Bermuda Triangle." Vincent said.  
  
"This planet doesn't have a Bermuda Triangle, Vincent." Aeris told him.  
  
"Well, I'm going outside. I'm tired of being cooped up in this airship." Kuja said, the other guys that aren't from Aeris' world agreed and all went out. Aeris, Sephiroth, and Vincent all shrugged and went to join them as Cid got to work on the engine.  
  
"OH &%$#! I didn't tell them about this damn place!" Cid muttered as he paused in his work when everyone was gone. He went back to it, thinking as he went. 'I wonder if Vincent will, or if he's just ganna go (%$%ing around in that cave me and Cloud went in the last time we were here?'  
  
Outside......... Mentos, the fresh maker!  
  
"OH! Such beautiful flowers!" Aeris cried in wonder as she ran to a side of a cliff where a verity of flowers grew near the grassy meadow. A large crater-like lake spanned outward from the waterfall to the right of the meadow, eventually leading out of the crater through a ravine in the mountains. Aeris quickly kneeled down, humming as she got to work picking and assorting flowers. The guys watched her for a few seconds before turning back to talk to one another. Vincent looked around slowly and decided to go off towards the 'mysterious' waterfall, only Sephiroth noticed his leave. Ten minutes past and Aeris was bundling together bouquets of flowers to take back to the Highwind with her, not noticing a sinister force looming from behind where she knelt. Twas Sephiroth, holding his Masamune in a ready position as he sneaked up to the young unaware woman. He quietly raised his blade and with one quick motion, used it for his evil purpose.  
  
Aeris sat, wide-eyed with her dress lifted up by Sephiroth's blade and the guys all giggled and took pictures of her pink undies. It wasn't long before Sephiroth was running for dear life while being hotly pursued by Aeris and her sharp edged Princess Guard in one hand and a giant version of a Piko Hammer in the other. She chased him through the field, towards the 'mysterious' waterfall. The other guys were all laughing their asses off as they watched the scene.  
  
Meanwhile, in the 'mysterious' cave, behind the 'mysterious' waterfall............  
  
Vincent strode slowly across the smooth and crystal-like floor of the strange and 'mysterious' cave that lay behind the waterfall. He made his way to the throne-like crystal that was embedded at the end of the cave, running his cold fingers over the equally cold stone. It still glowed slightly from the last time he was here. He could almost smell the scent of the woman he once loved so dearly.  
  
"Lucrecia........." Vincent murmured in remorse for not being able to save her. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the woman's face he cared for.  
  
"Vincent? Is that you?" A female voice sounded softly behind the melancholy man. Vincent turned around to the face the voice, his eyes widening at whom he saw.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Link: Dum, Dum, Dummmmmmmm!!! Stay tuned for the next—  
  
Author: HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!  
  
Link: (scared beyond all reason) um......... I'm just standing here and doing the cheesy announcer voice?  
  
Sephiroth: (whispering to you people out there. Yes, you.) Please excuse her: it's that time of the month for her.  
  
Dante: When Trish and Lucia are at that time of the month, they are worse than Mundus and all his hordes of demons. Female demons are scary! Aeris/Author is just as bad, if not worse. It's like watching the apocalypse, but without the horsemen and the pink flying bunnies.  
  
Legolas: Oh gods.........  
  
Kain: TAKE COVER!!!  
  
Kuja: Um, Aeris/Author, honey? Let's simmer down—  
  
Author: WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK TO ME?!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: ...............  
  
Sephiroth: (now scared as well) Aeris/Author, please try and calm down.  
  
Author: (Evilness) SHUT UP AND GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT!!!!!!! (Ashley, Elisha and Akira Kijo walk in. Immediately switches to cute and happy) Hiya guys!  
  
Ashley, Elisha and Akira Kijo: Hey! What's up?!  
  
Vincent: The storm has gone.........  
  
Sephiroth: No kidding.  
  
Author: NAKED WUFFEIS FALLING FROM THE SKY!  
  
Akira Kijo: YEAH!  
  
Kain: Er, yeahhhhhhhhhhhh......... wtf?  
  
Author: (turns to the audience) Sorry for the delay on updating. I've been busy with all sorts of things. I'm in my school's play, I've got lots of homework, there's a mongoose infestation in my computer, my sister's the embodiment of Satan, I could go on and on, yet I won't. I also had a nasty writer's block demon possessing my mind until a stabbed it out with the sharp edge of an electric toothbrush. The doctor says the wounds might heal in a few months so I'm happy again. Hey, I make this crap up and write it as I go, peoples, so at times I don't know what's ganna happen next. It usually comes to me as dreams. Seriously. What?!!!?! You don't believe me?!?!?! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?!?!?!? I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Kinky.  
  
Ashley: (devil horns appear while she pulls on Sephiroth's hair) So it's NOT a wig!  
  
Sephiroth: LEGGO!  
  
Legolas: What?!!  
  
Sephiroth: No! I mean LET GO!  
  
Ashley: (sees Kuja and runs to vex him) KUJI!!!  
  
Kuja: OH LORD!!! (Runs away while being followed by Ashley)  
  
Elisha: (hugs Vincent) Wheeee!  
  
Author: Yo, Akira! Thanks for letting me borrow Vampire Hunter D; Bloodlust. I LOVE THAT MOVIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!  
  
Akira Kijo: Sure (smiles so cutely)  
  
Author: Chalk Spot  
  
Akira Kijo: You are soooo dead! Grrr!  
  
Author: Mwahahahah! Well, I'm ganna go sleep, it's almost two in the morning and the Jolt has worn off. Goobye. 


	15. Luke, I am your mother!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Fifteen  
  
Author: (rocks a mechanical baby) I updated a bit in the Final Fantasy Shrine section of my website but don't get too giddy, I'm still working on it. In other news this week, my friend is making me baby-sit one of those mechanical babies that you get in those Family life classes in school. IT KEEPS CRYING!!!!!! I'm never ganna finish this chapter in time with only one hand! I have to keep rocking it or it will CRY!!!!! ITS GANNA DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!!! Pms: the beginning of this chapter, like everything else, contains a butt-load of spoilers.  
  
Legolas: Uh, don't you mean 'ps'? Not 'pms'?  
  
Kain: (grabs the mechanical baby and shakes it crazily. It screams as if it was being killed) What the hell?  
  
Author: (tries to grab it back) DON'T!!! Don't let its head fall back! Oh, man, she's ganna kill me!  
  
Dante: (lights the baby's feet on fire, it wails even more.) Wow! They scream when you burn them! Just like real life!  
  
Kuja: (cringes away from Dante) You burn babies?!?!  
  
Dante: (tries not to look suspicious) Well......... no, I mean, I just don't like kids......... heheh.  
  
Author: You hole! How can you not love children?!  
  
Kain: (licks lips) Oh, I love children......... I just couldn't eat a whole one.  
  
Sephiroth: (walks in) Hey, whad I miss?  
  
Kuja: Well, Dante burns babies and Kain eats them.  
  
Dante: The leprechaun told me to burn things!  
  
Kain: Mmmmm, Kentucky Fried Children.........  
  
Sephiroth: (stares at both of them for a moment, then looks at Aeris/author with a smile when he sees the mechanical baby) Heyyy! So you're practicing? Eh? Eh? (Nudges her suggestively) Who's ganna be the daddy?  
  
Author: (grabs baby, beats them all over the head with it, then rocks it to sleep.) SHUDDUP!  
  
Link, Vincent, Kuja, and Legolas: (rubs the bumps on their head) But we didn't do anything!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I~~~~~~~~~eat~~~~~~~~~~~~babies~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Author: (hits Kain) QUIT SCREWING WITH THE TEXT!~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Fifteen pickles.  
  
"......... Is that you, Vincent?" A soft voice asked, "You've come back to see me again?"  
  
"Lucrecia!" Vincent gasped at the glowing figure of a beautiful woman in a white lab coat, glasses and with long brown hair up in a ponytail. At first he was unable to say anything until he mustard (blah! I mean mustered.) enough courage to step forward to her. "I thought your soul has been lain to rest!"  
  
"I thought so as well. However, I have been unable to keep myself from mourning my son's death......... Oh, Vincent, why did my son have to die?" Lucrecia asked as her translucent eyes shed tears of sadness. Vincent reached to wipe away the ghostly tears with his good hand. She shunned him, turning to face away from him as she went on. "Oh, my poor, poor baby. Oh, Sephiroth........."  
  
"Lucrecia, darling........." Vincent hesitated, yet ventured on when he figured it was all right to tell her. "Your son......... Sephiroth, he's, um......... He's not dea—"  
  
Before Vincent could finish, a clamoring battle rushed into the crystal cave where the two stood. Aeris had chased Sephiroth into the cave, still waving her Piko hammer and Princess Guard after him threateningly. He was halfway laughing at her and screaming for help, until both Aeris and Sephiroth noticed the mysterious glowing ghost lady next to vampire boy. Vincent and Lucrecia were staring wide-eyed at them as well.  
  
"Who's the pretty ghost-like lady, Vincent?" Sephiroth grinned mischievously at the other man, lifting his eyebrow suspiciously.  
  
"......... Er." Vincent stepped away from Lucrecia a bit.  
  
"......... Silver hair?" Lucrecia mumbled to herself in an unsure realization.  
  
"Uh, sorry to intrude." Aeris bowed to them apologetically, Japanese style, before turning to Sephiroth and yanking on his long locks as she went for the cave entrance, dragging him with her. "Let us continue this outside, Sephiroth."  
  
Vincent gave a flat, 'oh crap' kind of chuckle, backing away from the now staring woman next to him a little more. At first Lucrecia stared wide eyed and slack jawed at the man being drug from the cave before she could regain her wits in order to stop them. Finally, she let out a scream mixed with pure joy and shock. Aeris, Sephiroth, and Vincent all looked at her, stunned and uncertain of what would happen next.  
  
"OH, MY BABY!!!!!!!" the transparent woman flew over to the ex-general, arms outstretched to hug him. However, since she was only a spirit, she basically went right through him at the speed she was going. Sephiroth was stunned and confused by the woman and her words. "Oh, My Little Baby Boy!!!"  
  
"Oh, Gawds! It's another alien she-being claiming to be my mother!!!" Sephiroth screamed, jumping behind Aeris as she came back to embrace her him. When he said this, Lucrecia stopped and looked at her grown son. He continued his raving. "KEEP IT AWAY!!!"  
  
Lucrecia looked over at Vincent with rage in her eyes. She flew over to beat the crap out of him but couldn't, for she was a ghost. "You said he died!!! YOU LIED! This is all because you were jealous of his father!"  
  
"......... Sephiroth, she IS your mother!" Vincent told him while he crouched in the fetal position to avoid the wrath of his formal love. She had quite the temper.  
  
"Oh, wow! Sephy, you have a mom." Aeris said in awe, moving away from them.  
  
"..............." Sephiroth was now too overwhelmed with shock and just stood staring at her. Lucrecia staggered towards him with a longing look.  
  
"Sephiroth, my baby boy........." Lucrecia began crying again as she tentatively reached out for his face, touching it gently. "......... I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I died, I wish could have been there to watch you grow."  
  
"You, you really are my mother?" Sephiroth asked, and she nodded in reply.  
  
"Yes, I'm so sorry." Lucrecia said, tears now streaming down her ghostly face. "Oh, my son! I died when I gave life to you! I had you because I loved you, but I wasn't there for you! I'm sorry, Sephiroth!"  
  
"Mother. Mother? Mother!" Sephiroth and Lucrecia embraced one another as if they would never separate again. They hugged and hugged until Sephiroth finally pulled back. "There's so much I don't know. But I have one important question to ask."  
  
"Yes?" Lucrecia's eyes lit up eagerly.  
  
"When is my actual birthday?" Sephiroth asked. Vincent and Aeris almost in the room fell over, while Lucrecia smiled up at her son. He continued on. "I know I was born some time in August......... but what's the day?"  
  
"The 14th. You'll be 31 next year?" She said, he nodded. "I take it he has mistreated you, hasn't he?"  
  
"Uh, who?"  
  
"Your father. Hojo." She replied. Sephiroth's eyes widened from being traumatized and appalled at what he heard. Hojo, his father! Blasphemy!  
  
"I don't believe it! I refuse to! That sick son of a bitch, my father?! EW!" Sephiroth said, bashing his head into the cavern wall while gagging.  
  
"Well, actually........." Lucrecia looked over at the solemn man that once cared for her more anything and thought a bit. At last she spoke again. "Actually, I'm not exactly sure who your father is."  
  
"What?!" Sephiroth exclaimed. 'My mom's a whore? OH GAWD! Just great.'  
  
Lucrecia explained to Sephiroth how they discovered Jenova long ago and how she and a group of scientists, including Hojo and Aeris' father: Professor Gast, giddily worked on the Jenova project to find out what it actually was. They thought Jenova was a Cetra, in which Aeris quickly explained that she wasn't and actually was what killed off the Cetra centuries before. Lucrecia went on, telling how she married Hojo, also saying how horrible of a mistake it was. Yet he convinced her that it would work out and even to have a baby with him, which thinking it was purely for love that she agreed, but he actually wanted the baby for scientific purposes. Pausing from her account, Lucrecia turned over to Vincent and admitted that she was having an affair with him, he being a Turk at the time and working with keeping the whole project a secret, and that she was unsure whose baby because Hojo was beginning to worry her with his obsession with his work. Vincent turned red with embarrassment when she went on about how Vincent comforted when she and Hojo got in fights and Sephiroth was growing more and more easy with it all. Lucrecia had to stop and apologize to Vincent for being so naïve and believing Hojo would change and grow more involved in the relationship once Sephiroth was born. She had chosen Hojo over Vincent and neglected his love for her. Further more, Lucrecia agreed to allow Hojo experiment on her unborn child, trying to get their relationship to work, also having her own scientific curiosity about the whole project. Thus, the injections of Jenova cells into the womb began. Lucrecia began to grow sickly while nearing the end of her pregnancy, deciding to name her soon-to-be-born boy Sephiroth after the ultrasound results. Seconds after the birth, which she went into detail, she called out for her son with her last and dying breaths only to be denied and left to die while her son is taken off to the lab for more experimenting. It was then that she broke out into a sobbing fit, apologizing even more as she cried into her hands.  
  
".................." Sephiroth didn't speak, he only looked down at his mother that cried before him.  
  
"What did they put you through?" She asked quietly after regaining control of her emotions. Sephiroth summed up his life within five minutes. He stopped and turned to look at Aeris, who was now crying too.  
  
"Oh, Sephiroth! Sniff! I never knew!" Aeris blew her nose into the handkerchief Vincent handed her before approaching him with open arms. "You poor thing! You need a hug."  
  
"Um, Aeris? I don't think this is a good time for –"Sephiroth started, rubbing the back of his neck as she came up to him. She looked up into his eyes with tear stained cheeks and red eyes that illuminated her green orbs that floated within them, holding up her arms expectantly.  
  
"Come. Come on. Huggles." Aeris' voice faulting, trying to crack a warm smile through her tears. Sephiroth looked at her still captivated, finally glancing over to his mother and Vincent for a quick second. They were watching with great interest. Lucrecia scrutinized the event with a soft gaze. Sephiroth looked back at Aeris, slowly excepting her offer. Aeris hugged him tightly as he stroked her hair softly.  
  
"Awwwwwwww." Vincent was now dabbing his own eyes with his handkerchief. Sephiroth gave him a death glance that stopped any more oncoming comments from the peanut gallery. Lucrecia walked up to Sephiroth when they finally parted, waving for Vincent to join the group. When Vincent came over from his little corner shyly, Lucrecia turned her attention back to the grasping pair.  
  
"Sephiroth, since I cannot be with you once you leave this cave, try an think of Vincent as your father. Since I'm not sure if he actually is, I am quite sure it's perfectly okay." Lucrecia chortled. Vincent's face lightened considerably.  
  
"......... I......... have a son. I......... Have a son!" Vincent mumbled with joy, eyes tearing and anime-like. He turned to Sephiroth with his glassy red eyes for several seconds before springing past Aeris and towards him, locking him in a bear hug. "OH MY SON!!!!!! We can do all those father-son things together! I can teach you how to play baseball and football and we can go fishing and –"  
  
"Um, Vinny, honey? Let's save that for later, okay?" Lucrecia patted him on the back, queuing him to loosen up a little on Sephiroth, who was turning purple due to the lack of air from under Vincent's claw. Aeris let out another sob of happiness, walking away from them to give the guys some space. Lucrecia followed quietly while Vincent went back to hugging the speechless Sephiroth. She peered at the girl in curiosity. "Hello? Are you close with Sephiroth?"  
  
"Well, remember how he said he killed a girl while she was praying and under the influence of Jenova? Well, I was that girl. My name is Aeris. But we're all over that now! We're just friends." Aeris smiled prettily. She wiped away the tears and looked at the ghostly woman who nodded in understandment. "Vincent really is Sephiroth's dad?"  
  
"Well, this is just between you and I, but there is only a fourteen point eight percent chance of that actually being true. Yet it is better for them to think of each other as father and son. Please keep that a secret." Aeris blinked at the woman scientist for how anal she was with her calculations but nodded anyways in agreement. Lucrecia turned to the two men with a solemn smile. "Now that I am at ease with my mind, I must leave this plane of existence an move on. Vincent, may you be the father Sephiroth never had. Be a counselor for him when he is in need."  
  
"Um, mom, I'm a big boy now—"Sephiroth began.  
  
"A big boy that almost caused this planet to cease to exist!" Lucrecia reprimanded as she grabbed his ear and tugged.  
  
"Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow," Sephiroth muttered.  
  
"Now. I permit you to marry this young lady, son. She seems like a nice and caring young woman. Treat her with respect and kindness." Lucrecia said placing Aeris and Sephiroth's hands together. They both stared at her in disbelief, faces crimson with embarrassment. "I need someone to take care of my little baby."  
  
"uh, mom?!?!?!" Sephiroth started.  
  
"Excuse me?!?!?" Aeris went over the ghostly woman, trying very hard to keep her cool. "But I am not ganna change his diapers for the rest of my life!"  
  
"I didn't say you had to, sweetie. I just need someone to whip him into shape every now and then." Lucrecia gave her best little smile. However, the woman began to fade, waving to them all. "I'm sorry I can't stay any longer. I love you, Sephy-poo! Mind your father for me! Aeris, sweetie, take care of him for me too! Please take care of them both, Vinny, and keep him in line! PEACE AND LOVE! Sayonara!"  
  
Everyone just stared when the woman vanished with a flash of light. Sephiroth poked at the air at where his mother once stood. Aeris was still wide eyed at what the woman said. Vincent smiled, turning to Sephiroth.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Sephiroth........." Vincent's smile got even more evil. "My son."  
  
"Uh oh." Sephiroth muttered. He tried to tip toe out of the cave. Yet, Vincent caught a hold of his collar. "crap."  
  
"Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, now that I'm a father, I get fatherly privileges. Don't I?" Vincent purred. "Well, what should punish I you for?"  
  
"Be merciful!" Sephiroth cringed.  
  
"I should punish you for............... TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!" Vincent announced, pulling a confused Sephiroth over his knee and paddling his bottom with his claw. Aeris who had been walking around, stopped and stared at them wide-eyed. She began to laugh hysterically after a few moments.  
  
"Um, Vincent?" Sephiroth began to ask while being more than disturbed when Vincent ceased the spankings. Vincent glared at him and pulled him down again, spanking him some more. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow."  
  
"You shall address me as one of the following! Dad, daddy, father, sir, or um, yeah, father." Vincent disciplined him, letting him go when he was finished again. Aeris couldn't stop from laughing.  
  
"Whatever." Sephiroth shrugged it off, quite embarrassed now. (sounds like a certain FF8 character)  
  
"How humiliating." Aeris said, watching from behind, trying not to laugh too hard.  
  
"Can we go now?" Sephiroth whined.  
  
"NO WHINING!" Vincent popped him in the mouth.  
  
"Urge to kill......... rising." Sephiroth grumbled under his breath as they headed out of the cave.  
  
They made their way back to the Highwind that was still parked in the field. Then they had a picnic. With pringles. I like pringles. Okay, no, they didn't have a picnic. That was the mongoose King and the Goughnour, who now live happy as gumdrop tears. Anywho. Aeris, Sephiroth, and a now fatherly Vincent made their way up to the group of men/elves/sorcerers/half- demons. Aeris gave them all a warm smile.  
  
"Is the Highwind fixed?" She asked cheerfully.  
  
"Yeah, I'd like to get the hell out of here." Sephiroth said. Before he knew it, he was on Vincent's knee, being spanked. "OW, OW, OW, OW!!!!!"  
  
"NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO BE CUSSING!!" Vincent roared, letting go of him when he was finished. At first, everyone stared at them in disbelief. Then, all at once, everyone callapsed to the ground, rolling insanely with laughter. Save for Aeris, who already had her share of laughs in the cave. She only chuckled now.  
  
"DAD! I'M NOT A CHILD!!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THE SPANKING PROCEDURE EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING WRONG!!!!!! IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!!!! I'M A GROWN MAN DAMMIT!!!!! IT'S ALMOST GAY TO BE DOING THAT!!!!" Sephiroth yelled at him, throwing his arms up into the air. He turned to see the expression on his face after a few moments. His red cape collar, bandanna and his mass of black hair mostly obscured Vincent's face like always. Yet he could see his eyes. Vincent's eyes sparkled with laughter.  
  
"I know, but it's just so much fun being a dad. I never thought it would be this thrilling." Vincent said casually, before he walked off to the Highwind's entrance. Cid was still recovering from all the laughter when he stood up.  
  
"The (%$*ing Highwind, hahahahaha! Is fixed! Don't *#@*$& it up!" Cid said. He then broke out into laughter again and ran after Vincent to ask about the whole 'fatherly' thing.  
  
"Um, well, then......... Let's get back on the ship!" Aeris said.  
  
"Yay!" Everyone then climbed into the Highwind, waiting for an explanation for the whole father thing as well. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author: Ha! I finally completed that chapter.  
  
Dante: TOOK YOU F*$#*&^ING LONG ENOUGH!  
  
Kain: YEAH, AND WE WEREN'T EVEN IN IT MUCH!!!  
  
Link: YEAH, WTF IS UP W/ THAT?!?!  
  
Kain: (turns to Link) Shut up, pansy  
  
Link: .........  
  
Kuja: Are we not loved?!?!  
  
Author: Speaking of love............... Sigh.  
  
Ashley: (walks in) What sup?  
  
Sephiroth: Aeris/author?  
  
Vincent: She looks to be in a state of hypnosis  
  
Legolas: She looks to be.........  
  
All: What? Be What?!!?  
  
Legolas: In love!  
  
Vincent: Love is a cruel mistress.........  
  
Kain: Love?!?! What the hell?!?!  
  
Link: Oh, like those fairy tales and stuff.  
  
Sephiroth: evilllllllll.........  
  
Kuja: Awwwwwwwwww, this is so happy!  
  
Ashley: (looks at Kuja) Hellooooo. (kidnaps him and transforms him into a coconut)  
  
Kuja: !!!!!! (rolls away)  
  
Ashley: WHEEEEEEEE!!! (chases the coconut with moogles)  
  
Sephiroth: So she loves someone?  
  
Legolas: seems to be so.  
  
Vincent: Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile, which flips over, trapping you underneath. Then, at night, the ice-weasels come.  
  
All: (briefly stare at Vincent).........  
  
Dante: Well whoever the guy is, he can't be any hotter than me  
  
Kain: No, I'm hotter  
  
Sephiroth: what the hell are you talking about, I have hordes of fan club chicks that would love to get in MY pants!  
  
Legolas: Fools! I am the most beautifullest of all! So, like, um, HA!  
  
Vincent: Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.  
  
All: (staring again.).........  
  
Kain: man, you have issues.  
  
Legolas: I don't have a miniature machine gun.  
  
Ashley: (chases rolling coconut Kuja while the moogles follow in the background) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Author: ......... Sigh!  
  
Link: Who's the guy?!  
  
Sephiroth: TELL US! (Whispers) so I can get him out of my way. MWHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: Is he another Vampire?  
  
Vincent: Love is like a—  
  
All: SHUTTUP!!!  
  
Vincent:............  
  
Legolas: or another elf? He couldn't possibly be more beautiful than me.  
  
Dante: or another demon? Or half-demon? Or semi-demon? Or possessed by a demon? Or –  
  
Kain: (knocks Dante out with his soul reaver) You shut up too!  
  
Link: is he a sorcerer like Kuja? (everyone shudders. Kuja coconut rolls on by)  
  
Author: He's just a............  
  
All: A WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Author: A...............A Senior at my high school. @.@ Sigh.......  
  
All: (fall to the floor)  
  
Sephiroth: well, this chapter sucked. Stay tuned next time, if there is a next time. Aeris/author won't stop thinking about that 'human'! (goes over and slaps Aeris/author several times. She still stares out into the abyss, sighing) See! I wonder what she'd do if I got naked?  
  
Author: NAKED?! WHERE?!?!  
  
Vincent: Love is a –  
  
Kain: (knocks him out as well) we demand 15 more reviews or I kill something. Well, I'm ganna do that anyway, whether you review or not. (Goes out and kills more hobos) 


	16. Well, this is akward

Chapter XVI......... Roman numerals, spiffy.  
  
Aeris: (is inside of cage) ............ Grrr.........  
  
Sephiroth: What are you doing in a cage?  
  
Link: she sure looks like she belongs in it the way she is growling.  
  
Kain: Kinky, Oh! Look at that big ass squirrel! (stares at the squirrel before it runs into a tree and dies)  
  
Red mage: (in a dress, causing everyone to stare) .........What?!  
  
Aeris: Riiiiiiiiiight. I DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE THIS STORY!!!!!!  
  
Kuja: gasp, don't say such things!  
  
Ashley: (walks in) What?! No! You must! (Turns to Kuja) and why aren't you a coconut?!  
  
All: YOU MUST!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: you can all go to the lowest regions of hell and BURN!  
  
Sephiroth: Don't worry, she's just PMSing  
  
All: again?! O.o TAKE COVER!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: Grrrrr, meow  
  
Sephiroth: I like you in there, Bwahahahah!  
  
Aeris: I hate you.  
  
Sephiroth: no, you love me, you know you do. Mmmmm, doughnuts! (Eats krispy kremes)  
  
Vincent: Love is—  
  
Kain and Dante: (hit him w/ a iron spatula) SHUDDUP!!!  
  
Link: Woot.  
  
Ashley: Woot?  
  
Sephiroth: (teases Aeris w/ a doughnut while she is still in the cage) heheheh  
  
Aeris: (snaps at his hand) where the hell is a flying cow when you need one to fall on you?!  
  
Dante: on my barbeque! (Sauces another steak over the barbeque)  
  
Aeris: why me?  
  
Sephiroth: Why not? Start the chappy!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter XVI of the Mongeese!  
  
Well, we left off with Aeris and the gang flying randomly around like a Finwickian field mouse, er, waitaminute......... Whatever. Anyways, they're flying around, yes, yea, flying. Wheeeeeeeeeee! Yeah, like that. Anywho, they all fly back to Midgar in the Highwind, parking it outside the once prosperous city, now lying in partial ruins. Everyone gets off and drags their luggage back to Aeris' place......... Aw, crap, my mom's calling me to dinner. Hold on.  
  
(Elevator music plays)....................... An hour later.........  
  
"Guess what? My prune slave is branching out into gift wrapping." Legolas said aloud as they entered Aeris' house. Aeris turned to Link with suspicion.  
  
"What the hell is a prune slave and why does Legolas have one?" Aeris demanded, only getting a shrug in return.  
  
They all put their things that they brought with them back away where they first got them, wow. Soon, they were back to sitting around the house, bored beyond all reason. Aeris was in the kitchen baking a cherry pie, (the very pie I once loved dearly, yet am now allergic to. OH NO! You all know my weakness now!!! Eek!) Vincent was upstairs with Sephiroth, helping him fix Aeris' bedroom door that Sephiroth had busted down in a failed attempt to save her from Dante, who was playing hide and go kill each other with Kain outside. Link and Legolas were playing Magic the Gathering at the kitchen table while Kuja watched and played with scissors and paper. Cid drank tea at the counter, calmer than usual. When he drinks tea, he gets this weird English accent. O.o  
  
"Yay! I finished!" Kuja giggled, waving around a piece of paper shaped like a human.  
  
"Finished what?" Link asked in wonder as he looked at the paper.  
  
"It's a paper doll! I shall call it my paper love doll! You can hug 'em and hold 'em......... Do any of you want one? I can make many!" Kuja squealed and hugged it.  
  
"Er......... I don't think I'd want a paper love doll........." Aeris said. Cid nodded and put down his tea.  
  
"Yea, nasty place to get a papercut." Cid said in agreement. Everyone stared at him. "What?!"  
  
Meanwhile......... it roxers the boxers  
  
"So......... Son. You really like Aeris, don't you, son?" Vincent asked, right as Sephiroth was nailing the last nail into place to secure the door. The question shocked Sephiroth, making him slip and slam the hammer into his thumb. It took him several minutes to realize that his thumb was now bleeding severely. Sephiroth only looked down at his thumb and looked over to Vincent in a calm manner.  
  
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Could be heard all throughout the sector, setting off car alarms, making dogs howl, and causing everyone to freeze and look about for the direction the scream emanated from.  
  
"What the hell?!" Aeris shrieked, heading up the stairs.  
  
"THAT HURT!" Sephiroth yelled out, grasping his thumb that now bled all over his front.  
  
"Oh my gosh, Sephiroth! Wait here! And don't drip it everywhere!" Aeris said as she ran past him into her room, coming out again with a first aid kit in her hands.  
  
"I SMELL BLOOD!" Kain shouted outside but could be heard running into the house towards the stairs.  
  
"Um, Vincent? Could you go hold him off for me while I fix his thumb?" Aeris asked with a smile. Vincent turned and went down the stairs and several shots could be heard. Aeris paused from her healing and went to the top of the stairs to shout at him. "I SAID HOLD HIM OFF, NOT SHOOT HIM!!!!!!"  
  
"He's still alive, or undead......... whichever." Someone replied, most likely Dante's as she heard the sound of a body being dragged outside again.  
  
"Oh, okay then." Aeris went back to Sephiroth's thumb. She cleaned it and dried it. "Hold still, I'll cast a cure spell on it." In which she did and it healed back to normal. Sephiroth stared at her the whole time. She gave him a cute smile. "There! All better."  
  
"I still hurt though." Sephiroth whined.  
  
"Well it shouldn't" Aeris told him.  
  
"No, it's not my thumb that hurts, it's my ass now."  
  
"Why the heck would your ass hurt when you hit your thumb?" She questioned.  
  
"I don't know, I think I may have dislocated it when I was screaming. Could you check it for me?" Sephiroth grinned, turning around and sticking out his nice leather cladded butt. Aeris rolled her eyes and kicked it, causing him to fall over.  
  
"You can't dislocate your ass, you ass." She told him as she headed back downstairs to finish her pie. She yelled back up the stairs. "Now could you please get my door back up?"  
  
"Oh, well, it was worth a try........." Sephiroth muttered. He could hear Aeris complain to Vincent about shooting Kain as he finished his work.  
  
Meanwhile again............  
  
"There's a big difference between bombs and bunnies, my friend." Link told Legolas as he looked at the card he played.  
  
"Not unless they are Monty Python killer bunnies. Then they are just as bad assed as any bomb." Legolas replied.  
  
"But you can blow up a killer bunny with a bomb." Link said.  
  
"Well......... Not if they are infinite bunnies!!!" Legolas shouted and threw down another card. "HA!"  
  
"The pie's almost done." Aeris said to no one in particular while peering into the oven. Cid finished his tea and put the teacup down gently. He briskly got up from the counter and began tossing swear words hither and tither like he normally does. A shot up Kain and Dante walked into the kitchen from outside discussing what hell was like and how Martha Stewart was the interior decorator for it.  
  
"She's also an assassin." Dante said when he got to the counter. He noticed the pie when Aeris brought it out and began to drool. "Mmmmm, pie!"  
  
"IT'S FOR DESSERT!" Aeris yelled, smacking away his hand with a metal pie server. He yelped and backed away as expected.  
  
"FUGGIN' A! This place is a (*^$ing boring hell hole!" Cid cried out.  
  
"No, actually, Martha Stuart's work is a lot different." Dante pointed out.  
  
"I need to (^&$ing go somewhere where I can (^$#ing smoke! And where there's stripers and shit! ^$)* this place!" Cid finished, grabbing his wallet. "I'm off to the (*%$ing Wall market!"  
  
"Oh, I forgot they fixed up that place, or at least tried." Aeris remarked absentmindedly.  
  
"Vamp boy! Where the *$@# are ya?!?!" Cid called around, no reply. Vincent had vanished earlier, back upstairs to attempt a conversation with Sephiroth.  
  
Up stairs with Vincent and Sephiroth several minutes earlier.........  
  
Sephiroth was mounting the door onto the hinges and squaring it into place when he felt an ominous dark force from behind. Quietly, he put the door in place while muttering. "My Sephy senses are tingling........."  
  
He flipped around, facing Vincent and did some kung fu poses, accidentally hitting the door, which fell over onto his body, trapping him underneath. Vincent just stared at his actions with no hint of emotion on his face besides a solemn one. He crouched down next to him. He had somewhat of a curious look in his eyes, which made Sephiroth a bit nervous and suspicious.  
  
"So how much do you like her, son?" Vincent asked, his face not changing.  
  
"What's it to you?!" Sephiroth grumbled from under the door. He finally shoved it off and stood up to look at Vincent as he stood as well.  
  
"I'm just trying help, son." Vincent replied in a monotone way.  
  
"Um, could you not call me son after everything you say?" Sephiroth groaned as he replaced the door back on the hinges. It finally stayed up, opening and closing like normal.  
  
"No, son." Vincent replied coldly. Sephiroth heaved a sigh of annoyance, turning back to face his newly found 'father' only to see that he was holding up a blue suite much like the Turks wore. "I want you to have this. It'll really knock out Aeris; chicks always dig the suites. That's how I met your mom."  
  
"Um, Vincent?! Why?! Would you mind not butting into my love life." Sephiroth said, very creeped out when he thought of what Vincent and his mom did while he wore the suite. Vincent smacked him over the head with his claw and threw the clothes at him.  
  
"It's father to you, son! You don't even have a love life. Now try it on." Vincent commanded. Sephiroth turned around after grumbling a bit under his breath and went into Aeris' room to change. He emerged fully cladded in the Turks suite. Vincent fixed his tie and patted him on the back with a smile, wiping away a tear with his claw. "I'm so proud of you, my son. Now, a lesson in getting the girls attention! You have to throw hints for a while, and if that doesn't work you wrap the hint around a brick before throwing. But make sure you don't hit anything vital, and not below the waist. She needs to bear your children, so don't damage the ovaries. Understand, son?"  
  
"................." Sephiroth was now beyond disturbed and stared at the older man. O.o  
  
"Good! Now get her something. I noticed that you got her flowers the other day before Kain popped up. Did you give em to her?" Vincent asked. Sephiroth shook his head no. Vincent sighed and continued. "Well, that's to be expected. Get the flowers........."  
  
Sephiroth went back in Aeris' room and came back out with a partially withered bouquet. "Here."  
  
"Don't give them to me, give them to Aeris. You also have to be silver tongued when it comes to ladies. Be suave, no, not the shampoo, I'm talking slick. You gotta steal the lady's heart and make her melt." Vincent told him. "Make it seem like you are interested but not too interested so that you'll get her wrapped around your finger like a boa constrictor. Well, you don't want her that tight; you might lose an arm that way. Be sweet as honey to her too."  
  
"How do I do all that?" Sephiroth asked, now actually curious to hear what he had to say.  
  
"Well, here's what you have to do..............." Vincent then began to whisper to him. Sephiroth nodded, smiling as he listened. Vincent finished up and gave him a slap on the back before he could hear Cid's raspy voice calling for him.  
  
Back downstairs, where the ninja strippers are............ O.o  
  
Cid called once more upstairs before Vincent paced down them. Cid then grabbed him by the cape and ordered the other guys out the door. He told them he was going to show them a good time at the Honey Bee Inn. Aeris just stood, staring at the door after it slammed shut again. She sighed and shook her head at them, getting back to her pie.  
  
"Well, it's just me and Sephiroth in the house alone again. It would be unlucky of me if he were to attempt something that would later scar me for life, most likely involving nudity and chocolate sauce." Aeris said aloud as Sephiroth jumped out from up the stairs naked with a vat of chocolate sauce in his hands. He fortunately heard her comment and ran back up silently to put his clothes back on. Aeris then thought back in her memories of when she was with Avalanche and they were pursuing Sephiroth back in disk one, er, I mean a year ago and whatnot.  
  
In Aeris' memories...........  
  
"Tralalalala! I love life! Wheeeeee! We get to ride chocobos! Wheeeeeee! Oh, we crossed the swamp where the giant Zolem monster lurks! Yay! We got to the other shore! Yippie! We get off!" Aeris cried aloud.  
  
"Are you going to self narrate whenever you are in a gleeful mode?" Red XIII asked, who happened to share the chocobo awkwardly with her.  
  
"Yes! I believe so!" Aeris giggled.  
  
She skipped up next to Cloud and the others. They all stopped and gawked up at a tree where a huge snake monster was impaled on. Blood was everywhere and on a rock next to it was a message written in blood; Sephiroth was here. Aeris' happy expression was turned into an alarmed one but she didn't let that dampen her day. They continued on and she continued to skip. A few more minutes past and they came across a pack of wolves sliced up and their entrails trailing everywhere. Next to them on the ground was another message arranged by their internal organs; Sephiroth was here. Aeris' smile had now completely disappeared and she just walked with the rest of the group. Twenty minutes later and seven more groupings of dead animals and messages left by Sephiroth in blood, entrails, bones and carteledge, was a couple dozen dead bunnies arranged upon the ground to spell out the same message that they had been seeing; Sephiroth was here. Aeris was now fuming with anger.  
  
"I hate him so much!" Aeris yelled, raging with anger over how he killed the bunnies.  
  
"Hate can be an attractive force, Aeris." Red XIII told her.  
  
"And it's going to attract my battle staff to his skull repeatedly at great velocities!" Aeris fumed as she beat the air with her staff.  
  
End memories.........  
  
"Hmmmmmmm, but now we're friends, how ironic." Aeris said with her smile turning to a quick frown at the remembrance of the poor bunnies.  
  
Sephiroth peeked around the railing of Aeris' stairs in the blue Turks outfit holding the flowers. In a few moments, he would make his move..................  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author Notes! WHEEEEEEEEE! Ribbed for your pleasure!  
  
Aeris: O.o  
  
Link: what? I thought the slogan would attract readers to the author notes.  
  
Kain: A little too much attraction.........  
  
Aeris: Riiiiiiiiiight......... Anywho—  
  
Sephiroth: why aren't you in the cage?  
  
Aeris: -.o Heyyyyyyyy............... (Rips off Sephiroth's face, it is actually the Goughnour) I KNEW IT!!!!!!  
  
Goughnour: WOOT!  
  
Link: Woot.........  
  
Legolas: WHAT IS THIS WOOT YOU SPEAK OF?!?!?!  
  
Kain: your mom.  
  
Elisha: (comes in enraged) THAT'S MY SAYING! (The REAL Sephiroth walks into the room)  
  
Sephiroth: What's up? And who is this guy and why is he wearing my clothes?!  
  
Goughnour: Hola.  
  
Sephiroth: .....................  
  
Aeris: WHEEEEEE! I'm so not done with my fic! I'm ganna go crazy!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Crazy? I was crazy once. Then they put me in a rubber room. Then I died. Then they buried me. Then the bugs ate me. Bugs? Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They they put me in a rubber room. Then I died. Then they buried me. Then the bugs ate me. Bugs? Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once.....  
  
Aeris: You know what? I'm leaving now. Goodbye!  
  
Goughnour: Spifftacular......... heheh.  
  
Kuja: why can't we talk?  
  
Vincent: ..................  
  
Kain: death.........  
  
Aeris: The gates of hell are closing, so hurry up and die.  
  
Kain: mmmmmmmmmmmmmnah.  
  
Elisha: Apply that blueberry muffin to your eye and you'll be all set.  
  
Akira Kijo: (walks in) These people have reinforced my belief that exposure to microwaves while warming burritos is hazardous to one's mind.  
  
Goughnour: I AM THE MONGOOSE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: I feel sick.  
  
Legolas: there is stuff coming out of your nose that has never come out of your nose before.........  
  
Kuja: well you look sick  
  
Goughnour: she is sick, but don't worry, mental illness isn't contagious, unless they bite you.  
  
Link: Ah!  
  
Aeris: Nibbles......... hehehe, hey. Why are you even here?!  
  
Goughnour: Hey, I heard 'big ass squirrels' and I knew that was the conversation for me.  
  
Dante: I FINALLY SPEAK!!!!!!!!! Well, this is lame......... is this all we could come up with for the author notes? This sux.  
  
Aeris: Well, there is a party in my pants and you're not invited! O.o  
  
Elisha: I'm not? _  
  
Aeris: Wait, you are. OKAY! I'm leaving now! 


	17. Someone's going to die

NC 17 ......... I MEAN Chapter 17....... Yea.......  
  
Aeris/author: (is wearing pants, yes, not a dress but pants. And don't forget the shirt.) Yea, since I've been getting into the habit, I'm just ganna go with Aeris instead of Aeris/author. I'm working on my German homework right now so you people can like bugger off or something. (Opens German book and studies)  
  
Link: (looks over her shoulder) ......... How do you fart in German?  
  
Aeris: ......... -_-'  
  
Kain, Dante, and Vincent: (walk in holding a few video game boxes)  
  
Kain: Yea, I can't wait to play this game, the Suffering. And this game! And these other games that are extremely gory beyond compare.  
  
Dante: Yea, these ARE extremely gory games! Especially this one; it's pretty gory, you can even blow the bits to bits!  
  
Aeris: (keeps head down in German books) .......... Must..... Resist ..... Temptation.....  
  
Sephiroth: (walks in w/ a piece of paper, reading it) Hmmmmmm.....  
  
Vincent: What are you reading, son?  
  
Sephiroth: I said to cut it out with the 'son' bit. But, I'm reading this invitation I found on a purple car.....  
  
Akira Kijo: (walks in and begins to announce.) And then Aeris went to school that day and she got breakfast. Doodly doo, breakfast . Yum. She likes breakfast during WASL week, because her special lil' Gore-ughnor Monkey showed up early that day even though he's a senior, and doesn't need to be up that early. Anyway, she walked up to him that fateful day and handed over a pie to him, for she desires the Goughnour puppy, when he exclaimed—  
  
Aeris: (slaps hand over Akira's mouth) SHADUP! That's too kinky! I've gotta keep the ratings down. THE RATINGS!!  
  
Goughnour: (walks in, scratching head) I don't remember that...  
  
Akira Kijo: Of course you wouldn't, you can't remember what's in a dream ^- ^  
  
Aeris: Whyyyyyyyy....  
  
Akira Kijo: Because!  
  
Sephiroth: (clears his throat to get everyone's attention) Anyways! As I was saying.... I found this invitation on a purple car....  
  
Goughnour: Waitaminute..... MY car is a purple color.....  
  
Sephiroth: ANYWAYS! It's an invitation to a party in someone's pants..... (Looks right at Aeris)  
  
Aeris: (still wearing pants, thank gawd) Eh?  
  
Sephiroth: ............. (Smiles evilly)  
  
Aeris: Ohhhhh, no, Ohhhhhhhhh no! That's not for you, Sephy....  
  
Goughnour: Hmmmmmm...  
  
Sephiroth: (reaches in Aeris' pants) WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: WHOA! Hey buddy, you weren't invited – I said MY hand, MY pants!!!!! (Smacks him with a frozen fish until he's bloody) That's known as sexual harassment!  
  
Sephiroth: You know you liked it....  
  
Dante: It's still sexual harassment, even if you enjoyed it.  
  
Sephiroth: No it isn't.  
  
Vincent: Oh that was sexual harassment all right, but in a good way, son.  
  
Aeris: You are so not helping in this, Vinny.  
  
Vincent: I know.  
  
Kuja: I'm so turned on right now  
  
Kain: O.o No, just... no, (shudders) no, oh gawds no.... (Turns around and sees Link)  
  
Link: (sucking on a Popsicle) Hello.  
  
Kain: (shudders again) Ewww. (Turns and sees Legolas)  
  
Legolas: (finishes a glass of milk, leaving a distinctive white mustache) Yo.  
  
Kain: o.O I can't take it anymore! This is too much for a straight guy to handle! I am so leaving now.  
  
Aeris: Me too.  
  
Goughnour: (Eats Thai food and krispy kremes) WOOT! Start the fic! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter 17. I'm so confused right now, again....  
  
Sephiroth could feel his heart pound within his chest as he slowly approached the woman of his dreams was standing before the sink in the kitchen, chopping up carrots for dinner. He used his ninja-like abilities to quietly make his way all the way behind her, as she was still unaware of his presence. She was humming a cheerful tune as he loomed up behind her like a predator on its unsuspecting prey. He swallowed the lump in his throat, bent over a bit and carefully reached for a lock of her brownish blonde hair. Suddenly, without any warning, Aeris turned around, ramming her face into his. Aeris blinked in confusion when she realized that Sephiroth's lips were on hers and he was wide-eyed and staring at her. She immediately pulled back and screamed.  
  
"PERVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT!!!!!!!" her voice rattled things throughout the house. Sephiroth soon found the knife that she had been using on the carrots soaring straight at him. Yet, due to his matrixy reflexes, he bent out of the way, allowing the knife to stick into the wall behind him.  
  
"WTF is wrong with you?!!? That was so not my fault!" Sephiroth screamed at her. She had her hand to her mouth with a look of confusion and rage in her eyes.  
  
"You kissed me!" Aeris declared, still shocked.  
  
"I didn't mean to! You turned around! I was going to give you these!" Sephiroth yelled in protest, throwing the flowers at her. She caught them and looked down at them.  
  
"You do realize that dating game is over, don't you? Why are you wearing a Turks uniform?" Aeris asked in a calm manner as she placed the flowers on the counter.  
  
"I'm not playing that game, I'm serious." Sephiroth told her, getting up. She stared at him, unable to speak.  
  
'You've got her in the palm of your hand! Remember what Vincent told you!' Sephiroth's mind clicked. He tried to remember what he said.  
  
Vincent's face float through his mind. 'Whisper sweet things to her.....'  
  
'Sweet things?' Sephiroth was a bit confused but willing to give it a try. He stepped closer to her with his face blank, trapping her in the kitchen corner. She was quite nervous and couldn't look away from his calm face. He leaned down close, his face inches from her and softly he spoke. "Chocolate, cake, gum drops, candy, doughnuts....."  
  
"What, are you hungry?" Aeris asked. He hung his head in reply.  
  
'Try something else!' Sephiroth's mind screamed.  
  
Vincent's face floated through his mind again. 'Give her your best smile.....'  
  
Sephiroth looked back up into Aeris' eyes and did as he remembered. After a few seconds she raised an eyebrow. "Why are you glaring at me, Sephiroth?" She asked, he could hear the tension in her voice.  
  
"I'm getting nowhere w/ this....." Sephiroth muttered. He turned around, facing away from Aeris.  
  
"What is wrong?" Aeris asked, unsure if she wanted to know.  
  
"Never mind. Here, I got this for you in Gold Saucer before we left." Sephiroth stepped back and pulled a box out of the Turk uniform jacket and offered it to her while thinking the whole time: 'Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?'  
  
Aeris opened the box and gasped at what was inside, she pulled out a small silver locket necklace from the box and lifted it up in front of her face. She smiled and put it on, touching it gently. It was shaped like a heart. She turned her attention away from the locket and back to Sephiroth smiling gleefully. Before he could say anything, Aeris leapt unto him with a squeal, toppling him to the floor.  
  
"Thank you! It's so beautiful!" Aeris cried out.  
  
"You're.....*gasp* welcome!" Sephiroth struggled to say while she squeezed him with her hugs. "Can't ..... breath....."  
  
"Oh! Sorry." Aeris got off of him and stood up blushing. He got up and took her hand, leading her out of the house and towards the exit of her property. "Where are we going?"  
  
"You'll see."  
  
Ten minutes later, they were walking around the small-rebuilt section of Midgar. Several stores and shops were open and ready for costumers, as well as a few restaurants. Sephiroth led her to the entrance of a nearby Thai restaurant. He pushed the door open and guided her in. The aroma of different dishes greeted them as they looked around. Several waitresses wandered around from table to table while they waited. Sephiroth had a chance to glance around. He noticed a toy vending machine full of fake jewelry and toys. There were various wall scriptures that looked similar to Wutain décor. A waiter approached them and bowed.  
  
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait a few minutes. All the tables are full right now but we'll have one ready in a second." He told them. Sephiroth shrugged as he turned back to her duty. Aeris was already at the vending machine, popping in gil.  
  
"You know you only waste you money on those things, you did it enough at Gold Saucer." Sephiroth told her. She ignored him, struggling with the joystick towards what she wanted. She let out a giggle when the machine made a tick noise. She pulled out a cheap ring and frowned.  
  
"You're just jealous because you never won one of them. Hmmm. I was hoping for a teddy bear but this is better than nothing." She looked at it. It had a smiley face on it. She looked over at him, remembering what he was doing for her and handed him the ring. "Better yet, I want you to have it."  
  
"Wow. Thanks." He replied in a bored manner as he looked at it. She laughed at his reply. He pocketed it for later use. The waiter returned and guided them to their table. Soon enough they were dining and talking. Sephiroth had the waiter bring in candles and wine to make it more romantic. Aeris was too embarrassed to say anything about it, but just blushed and smiled. The dinner lasted for hours they had a great time. At last, they left and were back in front of Aeris' house. Aeris turned back and looked up at Sephiroth, pausing for a moment.  
  
"You know, I never realized how tall you are." She laughed. He smiled.  
  
"You're just short." He told her. Aeris blew away her bangs from her face.  
  
"I'm not short, I'm just vertically challenged, okay?" Aeris told him, making him laughed. She bashfully smiled and looked away slightly. "I had a really great time tonight, Sephiroth. Thank you for everything."  
  
"No problem." He replied in a cocky manner. "Thank you for having dinner with me."  
  
Aeris nodded, her smile growing wider. She was about to turn back to the house, but Sephiroth caught her arm and stopped her. Their eyes locked on one another and slowly but surely, Sephiroth bent down closer to her. Her eyes widened in suspense as her heart pounded in her chest. His lips barely brushed against hers when—  
  
"HEY YOU LITTLE LOVE BIRDS!!! TAKE IT TO A ROOM!!!!" A drunken voice yelled at them from a window behind them. Sephiroth and Aeris turned to see an intoxicated Vincent hanging halfway out the window with more drunk guys crowding the window with cameras. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
"DAMN YOU ALL TO THE DEEPEST REGIONS OF HELL!!!" Sephiroth yelled at them, picking up a random nearby lawn gnome and chucking it at the window. They jumped back into the house right before the gnome smashed into the window.  
  
"Ah, great, there goes my window too." Aeris muttered and folded her arms. Sephiroth hung his head. Will he ever get a kiss in? The guys could be heard laughing their asses off from within Aeris' house. Sephiroth looked up at the shattered window with a new burning determination in his eyes.  
  
"Hahahah! Sephiroth is too shy! He can't kiss a girl! Sephiroth will forever be single! He won't get laid!" They drunken men sang together inside. Sephiroth knew Vincent was singing in lead and was now reaching his boiling point.  
  
"............." Aeris wasn't sure what to say to it all but just stood there.  
  
"Sephiroth is a sissy! He can't make smooth moves! Sephiroth likes Aeris!" they continued.  
  
Sephiroth let out a howl of rage. Everyone went silent when he turned around to Aeris. In several swift motions, Sephiroth had dipped the confused girl over backwards and kissed her deeply. Soon, the intoxicated group came back to they windows with their cameras flashing and their voices cheering on the scene. At first, Aeris didn't know how to react but slowly she wrapped her arms around his neck and went along with it all. After several minutes and everyone running out of camera film, Sephiroth pulled her back up and broke away, blushing as red as Aeris was. They walked up and into the house, Sephiroth recovered from his bashfulness right as he stepped through the door and Aeris still blushing.  
  
The both of them walked up to the drunken boys piled on the floor from laughter and drunkenness. They were all covered in red splotchy marks and some had blood smeared over them. Each of them didn't have a shirt on, but were thankfully wearing pants. (Hmmm, pantaloons...) Vincent and Cid were still holding tequila bottles, swigging every now and then. Link had a camcorder in his hot little drunk hands, yet was passed out at the foot of the couch. Kain was completely covered in blood and swaying back and forth in the kitchen. The pie Aeris had made had been hoarded and the remnants were still on Legolas', Kuja's, Cid's, Dante's, and Link's face.  
  
"You guys.... Ate my pie! You're going to clean up this mess you made! Kain, you left a bunch of bloody tracks over my hard wood flooring!" Aeris told them. Some laughed a little after she spoke. "Speaking of which, why are you bloody, Kain? You didn't kill more hobos, did you?"  
  
"Nooo. But we were at the strip club and then got drunk and then walked home and streaked in your garden and then we got all itchy and stuff. We thought it was the 'Plague' so we killed a couple of the neighbors for their organs. Then it turned out to be poison ivy... our bad."  
  
"Whyyyy? ..... No, no, never mind, it's better not to ask." She said after staring at him for a few seconds.  
  
"Dad, why did you have to sing that crap?!" Sephiroth growled, trying not to get too mad.  
  
"Because..... You need to get some sugar, boy....." Vincent said as he stood up, swerving to and fro with his booze.  
  
".........." Sephiroth just looked at him in disbelief. He never thought a man like Vincent could get so wild when drunk.  
  
"Don't you talk back to me, boy! I f***ed your mother!!!" Vincent cried out, almost tripping on himself.  
  
"Go to bed, dad, you're drunk." Sephiroth said. Vincent passed out and he let out a sigh, grabbing his father's feet and dragging him upstairs to the guestroom.  
  
Aeris looked at each of them, shaking her head in disappointment. Surprisingly enough, Cid was the most sober one. He was too busy trying to find his bottle of vodka. Sephiroth came back down stairs and pushed a now unconscious Legolas off the couch and sat down, using the unconscious Link as a footstool. Cid found the twelve pack of beer that he brought to Aeris' house in the first place and snapped it open, chugging it down. He then looked at Sephiroth and Aeris and with a solemn nod, he spoke his wise words of wisdom.  
  
"Now that you two *(^$*ing like each other, you can go and *^$@ when we leave." Cid told her.  
  
"Nice..... Um, Cid, where are you going?" Aeris asked. Sephiroth was too busy considering the whole *$#%ing thing Cid suggested.  
  
"well, you know how it is. When you accidentally (&%$ing kill a hooker/striper and you need to get rid of the (&%%#ing body..... Your flowers will get a lot of fertilizer." Cid told her and left the house.  
  
"I......... think I'm tired. I'm heading up to bed." Aeris said aloud, rubbing her temples. She marched up the stairs and over to her crappily fixed bed room door. Right as she touched the doorknob, she felt a touch on her shoulder causing her to jump in alarm. It was Sephiroth. She smiled nervously, remembering the kiss he administered upon her not too long ago. "Oh, hello Sephiroth."  
  
"Sorry about earlier, it was inappropriate of me." He told her.  
  
"No, no, it's okay." Aeris laughed, not understanding why he'd apologize.  
  
"Well, I just want you to—"Sephiroth scratched his head. Aeris got an insane idea and cut him off.  
  
"Shut up, Sephy." Aeris told him, pulling him down by his bangs and kissing him sweetly. She pulled back to see his surprised expression, smiled and went in her room, closing the door behind her. Sephiroth stood, still staring at where she stood. He could hear her voice through the door, bringing him back to reality. "Goodnight Sephy."  
  
Sephiroth turned towards his room and entered. As soon as the door was closed he jumped up and down giddily. "Yessss!" He then did a jig, singing 'I believe in a thing called love' by The Darkness. I'd pay big bucks to see that.  
  
Meanwhile, in Aeris' room......... Cheetohs.  
  
"That was very interesting....." Aeris said to herself. She then got ready for bed, all the while singing 'kiss me' by Sixpence None the Richer.  
  
Meanwhile, again.... Somewhere, I don't even know yet, but somewhere a mysterious evil force was looming..... Hmm, let's just say it's evil and wants to annihilate Sephiroth and Aeris and everyone else. And they like....... Cheeeeeeese. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Link: Will any of that mysterious evil stuff actually be in the next chapter?  
  
Aeris: Nah, it'll probably all be lost during post production.  
  
Aeris: you know, the thing no one realizes about this fic is that it is so full of inside jokes; I don't think anyone understands it.  
  
Goughnour: Why do you desire my puppy?  
  
Aeris: (turns bright red) AKIRA KIJO!!!  
  
Akira Kijo: heheheheh  
  
Sephiroth: I'm lost now.........  
  
Aeris: See? Hey, where's Ashley?  
  
Kuja: trying to extract her revenge upon someone who had her fic removed. I hope he knows a good place to hide because he won't live long once she finds him.  
  
Kain: I'll be there to clean up all the blood.  
  
Legolas: You go ahead and do that.  
  
Kain: Yay!  
  
Link: I'm hardly ever speaking, why is this?  
  
Vincent: Because, you're supposed to stand there, smile and look cute for the audience.  
  
Sephiroth: HAHAHHA! YOU SAID CUTE!! (Gets smacked by a metal claw.) Ow.  
  
Aeris: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL VAN HELSING COMES OUT IN THEATRES! IT LOOKS LIKE AN AWESOME MOVIE! I'd go this weekend when it comes out but I'll be busy with, um, things. Like prom. O.o YAY! I still want to go see it later though. Anywho... (Turns to Goughnour) ......... Are you a rogue in Dungeons and Dragons?  
  
Goughnour: No, I'm a barbarian named Gore Monkey, duh! But I have played as a rogue in the past. Why?  
  
Aeris: ......... Because you seemed to have stolen my heart with a dexterity score of 18.  
  
Everyone except Aeris: .........HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: Quit laughing!!! I meant that!!! :'( (Runs away and hides in a miscellaneously located closet and cries... for a long time... long time as in hours... which will later turn into days... But no one cares now do they?)  
  
Sephiroth: (Turns to Goughnour) She is supposed to like me!  
  
Goughnour: But you see, I AM you... in an other dimension and in disguise.  
  
Sephiroth: ....... You are a fugging weirdo...  
  
Goughnour: A HOT fugging weirdo I might add.  
  
Vincent: Um, that's enough, son..... Or sons. Whatever.  
  
Legolas: No more crap. Wait till next chapter.  
  
Dante: (Is handed a note by an anonymous guy named Ryan. [Hehehe, it's my turn to embarrass Akira now.] He looks it over and clears his throat) By the way, Aeris might be posting a special poem shortly after she emerges from whatever closet she's in. Go read it. Especially if you are a Sephiroth-in-disguise person. (Looks at Goughnour and coughs in a manner that is not at all noticeable. Not.) Yea. So, um, thank you for reading and please submit your souls to hell..... Um, did I say that last part out loud?  
  
Aeris: (still crying in closet) sniff, meanies. (Don't worry, I'll later get hit by a cow named Moo and die from the ice weasels that come out at night. I won't suffer that much.) 


	18. ROAD TRIP!

Chapter XIIX. After you have reached maximum pleasure, please reverse your breathing process.  
  
Aeris: (still in a dark closet) Hello and welcome to another addition of Aeris' stupid fic. I love orange soda.  
  
Sephiroth: (opens closet) What the hell are you doing in here?  
  
Aeris: Your mom, that's what.  
  
Sephiroth: O.o My mom's dead.  
  
Vincent: And I'm the one who did her. Heheheh, and let me tell you, she could really do the pretzel well and when she wore that—  
  
Sephiroth: OH GAWD MAKE IT STOP!!!!  
  
Kain: Why are we all in a closet now?  
  
Link: And why is there a sticky substance on the wall?  
  
Legolas: What the hell are you talking about?!  
  
Sephiroth: (touches it) EW! O.o  
  
Dante: Oh, um, that's my milk.  
  
All: ????!?!??!?!!  
  
Kain: You lactate?!  
  
Dante: .... NO, No! I was eating cookies with milk and spilled it on the wall when you guys came in. You scared me! Duh.  
  
Link: Then why is it sticky?  
  
All: ...........  
  
Sephiroth: Let's change the subject, shall we? Um, yea, Shrek 2 was an awesome movie.  
  
Legolas: Yes, yes it was. Puss in boots kicks ass.  
  
Aeris: sigh My life is too confusing right now, I really don't want to continue this fic.... (blairs Incubus music in the background to drown out her sorrows.)  
  
Kuja: (hugs Aeris) it's okay, we understand, sort of. That's why you must continue. Then you'll be complete. Only a few more chapters, Aeris. Only a few more.  
  
Aeris: Well, might as well get this one over with....  
  
Ashley: HELLO!!!!!! (Chases Kuja about the place)  
  
Kuja: HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!!! HELP!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: sigh .........  
  
Sephiroth: (sits down next to Aeris and huggles Aeris too) What's wrong?  
  
Aeris: Just some crap in my head that is unimportant! Let's get this fic on!  
  
All: YAY!  
  
Aeris: Yea, yea... shut up and get it started.....

* * *

Chapter XIIX, which I said already, but oh well. Tis for that certain guy who bitches a lot about me updating. You know who you are. :)  
  
Aeris' began to stir out of her sleep, awakening to birds chirping and a few rays of sunshine stealing into the room. She sat up and stretched with a yawn, which turned into a short surprised scream when she saw Sephiroth staring at her with wide eyes at the foot of the bed. He was back in his Kingdom Hearts outfit instead of the Turk uniform. She quickly covered herself with her covers.  
  
"What are you doing in my room, Sephiroth?!" Aeris demanded in a cross tone. Sephiroth stood up and shrugged.  
  
"I was just watching you, sleeping beauty." He replied in a smooth tone. Aeris glowered at him.  
  
"What did you do?" Aeris inquired slowly.  
  
"I didn't do anything!" He said. "Besides, you would have awoken had I tried something!"  
  
"But you would have done it given a chance." she stated.  
  
"And so I should be punished?" he questioned.  
  
"Exactly, now get out of my room." Aeris told him. Sephiroth turned and grumbled something as he left. She quickly got dressed and tidied up her bed and braided her hair and did more things you'd expect a girl to do in the morning. Finally, she skipped down the stairs and into the kitchen to make breakfast and she found Sephiroth standing next to a full sink, on the verge of tears as he held his hands. Aeris saw his hands all red and puffy. She pointed at them and was about to ask.  
  
"What happened to my hands? Oh, that. Well, you see, I've never cooked before..." Sephiroth told her. Aeris looked at him confused and nodded. He had tried to fix breakfast for her, but failed horribly. However, she took up the job and made waffles. She had everything on the table ready to go, it's just the other guys had not appeared yet. After a few minutes, she decided to go search for the guys and made Sephiroth search as well. She only had to take a few steps into the living room to find some of them. She found Kuja, Link, Legolas and Dante piled on top of each other, still messy and blood covered from last night. The room was no better, it had blood smeared all over the floor. Aeris sighed deeply and fetched a bucket of cold water, coming back with it and pouring it on the men. They all screamed, and soon were shivering from the cold water.  
  
"Ooooooahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaooooo" They all moaned, rubbing their heads and stomachs. The hang over was now kicking in. Kuja and Link both barfed on the other two. Aeris was now covering her nose to try and block out the puissant stench of alcohol, vomit, and blood. She went and brought in several mops, Advil, and cleaning supplies into the room and set them down before the guys, handing them the Advil and mops.  
  
"Now that you guys are awake, I want this room spotless. All the blood and alcohol up, and especially the vomit, there's fabreeze to get the smell out of everything. After that, I suggest you go get more fabreeze and then bathe in it. You all smell like putrid ass monkeys." Aeris told them. "Now, I suggest you get crackin', you aren't ganna get any breakfast till you're all done."  
  
They all let out another moan of hurt as she left. Sephiroth was already back in the kitchen and at the table, shoving waffles into his face. He looked up when she walked past him with her hands on her hips. Aeris looked down at him and lifted an eyebrow. He looked back with an uncertain look and waffles oozing out of his mouth and maple syrup all over his chin and lips.  
  
"Mvat? MVAT?!" Sephiroth tried to ask, while spewing bits of waffles out and his mouth was stuffed. Aeris shook her head.  
  
"And I let YOU kiss me..." She muttered in disgust. "Where's Kain, Vincent and Cid?"  
  
"Vincent's still sleeping in the guest room, Kain is passed out in the backyard in the midst of the neighbor's carcasses, and I think that's Cid's body out in your garden." Sephiroth replied after swallowing another waffle down, he wiped his face and went back to proper table manners. "By the way, these are delicious."  
  
"Thank you." Aeris said, sitting down and piling a few waffles onto her own plate. After they finished, Sephiroth cleaned up his mess in the kitchen and Aeris went outside to tend to her garden. She felt as though she's abused it by not checking it in several days. She made her way over to the garden entrance and began work on the first patch of flowers she saw, pulling out weeds and rearranging the earth as she had always done. About ten minutes into her work, she found where Cid had buried the dead hooker and Cid passed out next to the mounded ground with a shovel and a bottle of whiskey. She stared for a minute then just ignored it all and went to do more work on her flowers somewhere else.  
  
Meanwhile, back within Aeris' kitchen, Sephiroth was dancing to Spice Girls music in his boxers... Oh, gawd! NO! NO WAY AM I HAVING THAT IN MY FIC! No, he was only wiping up the counters to finish the cleaning in the kitchen before going outside. Yeah. I am quite sure that's all... He finished and turned for the door to the front yard, when he heard something large roll uncontrollably down the stairs. Sephiroth turned to see Vincent face down on the ground, half naked still.  
  
"Um, Vin— er, I mean, dad? What the hell are you doing?" Sephiroth asked him as Vincent pushed himself off the ground, moaning a bit.  
  
"Son.... Get the pain killers...." Vincent groaned as he wobbly stood up. "I haven't drank that much since that one time when I was with the other Turks, back in the day when I was one."  
  
"Riiiiiight.... Uh, here you are." Sephiroth handed him a bottle of extra strength Advil. Vincent downed it, and Sephiroth stared at him. "Um, dad! You shouldn't take more than two!"  
  
Vincent stood up straight and faced Sephiroth, clapping him on the back with the sorrowful façade he usually wore on his face. "Son, I just want you to know: life is a black, sucking, vortex of anguish and despair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy, all the while dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute, and eternal death."  
  
"...Thanks dad." Sephiroth glowered again. He assumed his father was okay, until he passed out cold unto the floor again. Sephiroth grunted and pulled him back up to his room by his feet again.  
  
Back outside, where the Koalas roam... Aeris was trying to rid her rose bushes of all the sticky weeds that had spawned there over the last two days. She had to go behind her house to the tool shed and grab her work gloves. However, when she got back there, she found Kain unconscious in a pile of dead bodies. She gagged at the stench and went to retrieve the hose. Once she got it on, she turned the nozzle to jet stream and sprayed Kain and the dead bodies. Kain woke up howling in sheer agony, his skin was now sizzling and melting. Aeris turned off the hose nozzle and crossed her arms.  
  
"IT BUUUUUUUUUURNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kain howled as some skin began to slide off his chest and more smoke came off him.  
  
"I want the dead bodies off my property and this mess cleaned up or you'll get the hose again." Aeris told him. He shrieked and immediately picked up the bodies, jumping out of her sight with them. "thank you. Now, to find those gloves."  
  
Aeris dug around and eventually found her gardening gloves and closed her shed door. High above the unsuspecting Aeris, loomed an ominous evil. The being's blood red eyes peeled as the being continued to watch everything below. The evil being watched as the young woman made her way around her yard and back into her garden and towards the bush she had been working on. A movement back inside the house was the only thing that distracted the evil's attention. It was Him. He came outside and found the woman that had been working in the garden. They began to converse.  
  
Sephiroth tried to talk to Aeris sweetly. However, Aeris remembered what he had done to her window in attempt to hit the drunken men last night. She told him to go fix her window that he destroyed with a lawn gnome. He hung his head and went to find the hammer and nails again. He made his way to the shed this time and dug through it to discover the hammer and nail, right where he had them last time. Sephiroth was no carpenter and was wondering how he could nail glass together when he heard a female scream. Madly, Sephiroth raced back out into the yard and up through the garden entrance.  
  
"Aeris! Did you scream?!" Sephiroth looked around for any signs of Aeris. Yet he only found Link and Legolas, standing together and looking up.  
  
"No, that was I screaming. Look Sephiroth!" Link said, pointing upwards. Sephiroth immediately diverted his attention up about him. Ten feet above their heads loomed a man in a black cloak, the hood up shadowing his face. However, he wasn't just floating about in the air, he had a pair of leather- looking demon wings. Wings that you'd expect a dragon to have. Even though his face was obscured, they knew where his eyes were looking. The man had glowing red eyes the color of blood. He was holding Aeris tightly, with one arm around her waist and another holding a sword similar to Sephiroth's Masamune under her throat. Aeris didn't move what so ever, yet had a look of pure fright and pain on her face.  
  
"AERIS!!! Vincent?! Is that you!?" Sephiroth demanded with doubt. He heard a crash behind him. Sephiroth turned to see the real Vincent in the bushes, he had fallen out of the window. The cloaked figure let out a low snigger. His voice pitch was the same as Sephiroth's.  
  
"WHAssgoinnnnnnngggggggggggggooooooon!?" Vincent slurred due to his overdose w/ the Advil and the hangover that still stuck fast with him. He sluggishly tried to struggle out of the bushes. Kuja and Dante came outside and saw the whole scene. Then Kain popped up out of nowhere with his skin partially healed. Everyone was now looking up at the cloaked evil that had taken Aeris hostage.  
  
"So, this is what you turn into once you are defeated by a failed experiment? A weak slave to some woman? She must hold some sort of power. Power that I should possess." The figure rebuked with harsh words. His voice, indeed, was the same as Sephiroth's.  
  
"Who are you!!?" Sephiroth was purely stunned by this, as was everyone else. The red eyes went into a colder glare, squinting evilly at questioning man.  
  
"I am you, only better." He replied, taking the sword away from her throat to slide back his hood. Silver hair fell out, just as long as Sephiroth's, if not longer. His facial features were exactly to his, with the exception of the cold red stare he gave. "I was the only true clone, successfully developed after your birth. I am more powerful than you by at least 3 fold; stronger, faster, able to adapt quickly to a surrounding environment far more effectively than you could ever hope to. However, my power came at a price. It took an addition 2 years for me to fully develope into what you see now. I was held in the lab beneath the Shinra mansion in Nibelhiem, in a hidden test tank behind one of the bookcases. I am—"  
  
"Look, buddy, you might want to know, I don't give a shit about your Sephiroth fan clubs you got going or the whole 'trying to relive your life to make it like mine'. Let go of my woman and F&# off before you really piss me off!" Sephiroth put in, fuming with rage now. Sephiroth had his Masamune out and in his striking pose.  
  
"How quaint. But hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude to interrupt?!" The man demanded, hurling a ball of flames at Sephiroth, which he easily dodged. "As I was saying... I am called DamIan! Mwahahahah!"  
  
"Save the apartheid boycott of the lesbian Nazi lettuce growers for Jesus of the nuclear whale, batman! He's ganna kill us all!" Dante screamed. "Wait a minute? You're a test tube baby, aren't you?"  
  
"That's something I've never heard before...." Legolas was heard rambling.  
  
"Ambiguity – the devil's volleyball." DamIan replied.  
  
Sephiroth let out a yell and attacked DamIan fiercely with his Masamune. DamIan effortlessly parried and they ensued in a fleeting sword battle. DamIan, however, knew every move he was going to make and only parried. Aeris was still in the man's grasp as the two warriors jolted around the air, she now knew how a rag doll felt when carried by a jumpy seven year old. She was hoping she wouldn't fall, for they were about 30 feet in the air as this happened. Finally, after a yawn, DamIan deflected another strike from Sephiroth to the side, bringing his own sword in and connecting it with Sephiroth's rib cage. Blood spewed into the air and rained down upon the ground. Aeris screamed as she watched Sephiroth's body fall to the ground like a dead weight. Aeris' eyes began streaming out tears as she tried to struggle out of DamIan's grasp. Legolas, Link, Kuja, Dante, and Vincent stumbled over to Sephiroth's body to see if he was dead.  
  
"Hahahahha! You thought you defeat me? You are weaker than I thought. I will reign over this pathetic planet, succeeding what you could not! I shall summon meteor and use the planet's energy to become a god! For I have the black materia!" DamIan switches Aeris to the other arm with the sword so that he could pull out a black orb that seemed to suck in light around it. It was as large as a baseball, yet powerful enough to destroy worlds. You all should know what it is, if you don't, you're gay like that. Go play Final Fantasy 7. I command it. Anyways... DamIan spread his demonic wings out and beat them, gaining altitude. "Later, big brother!"  
  
"SEPHIROTH!!!!!!" Aeris managed to scream between her sobs.  
  
Rapidly, DamIan soared up into the air and off towards the sky with a crying Aeris in his possession. He didn't get very high up when everyone below heard him yelp. They all could see Aeris' body fall as she shrieked in panic. DamIan, however, swooped down and grabbed her before flying back up. They could all hear him shout at her before they disappeared into the clouds; "QUIT BITING ME DAMMIT!"  
  
Vincent looked around a bit and then looked at Sephiroth's corpse. He turned to and looks at you people out there. "Um, is there a white mage in the audience?"  
  
Everyone was too shocked to know what to do. They all checked on Sephiroth. His chest was sliced clean open, yet not much inside was damaged. He was amazingly still breathing but was about to go into shock. Kuja had everyone clear back as he used what little white magic he knew on Sephiroth. His curaga spell sealed up Sephiroth's chest and pulled him back into consciousness. Sephiroth's eyes shot open with rage and he immediately got up and grabbed his sword.  
  
"AERIS!!!!! WHERE DID THAT (%$(% &$%# (&#$%($%(&#&#$ #%)& &# $(&& %&$% $% )(&%&$)(&% &$()&%$%#(&&%$%$%&)&$%&$%)&& %$( &&%$&$ )&%$&$ )()(&%$ %( GO?!?!!!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth exclaimed to no one in particular. Cid, who also just regained consciousness next to the buried hooker, walked over to Sephiroth and patted his back while wiping away a single tear from his eye.  
  
"You've %$(ing learned well in the ways of cursing. I am (%$ing proud." Cid told him.  
  
"That DamIan guy took off north with Aeris." Link told Sephiroth.  
  
"I have to save her, who knows what that sick ($%$er will do to her!!!" Sephiroth shouted. He looked down at his now shredded trench coat and growled, ripping it off. Oo Sephiroth let out a surge of energy, growing the single black wing from his back. Without any warning, he launched himself into the air in pursuit of the kidnapping clone. Cid and Vincent, still trying to get back into the sober level.  
  
Kain's eyes were fiery yellow and burning with fury as he held his Soul Reaver. Kuja's aura was filling with electric flames, his eyes glowing dark as well. Dante had gone into his demonic form. Link and Legolas had their swords and bows out and ready. Vincent and Cid looked at all the livid guys, then looked at one another. Cid sighed and mumbled curse words as he went for the keys to the Highwind. Vincent went to find his clothes; he was still only in his pants. Once everyone was ready and boarded onto the Highwind, Cid lit up another cigarette in the cockpit and spoke into the microphone. His disgruntled voice rang throughout the Highwind from its speakers as he began to take off the ground.  
  
"Welcome aboard Highwind Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab in the buckle and pull tight. It works just like any other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate on, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting them with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide no which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken cloud, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Highwind Airlines. )%$# you all and hang the (%$ on!" Cid said before he put it in overdrive, after Sephiroth and DamIan.

* * *

Aeris: I'll filter you all.  
  
Kain: Heheheh, all night long? (Gets smacked with a penguin by Aeris)  
  
Aeris: Ahhhhhh, I feel better now that this chapter is complete. I think this chapter didn't have enough funnies in it though. I've given up my time to dedicate it to this fic, ignoring my homework. Which, I might add, has now killed my grades, condemning me to work at a fast food restaurant. Then later, a homeless woman, just like those Everquest fanatics. I hope you're all happy. You better ($ing be! And I demand 10 more reviews after this! Or you can all kiss my arse!  
  
Sephiroth: We love you.  
  
Aeris: Shut up Sephiroth. Now, because you have all demanded it! Me, Yuffie, and Tifa here—  
  
Tifa and Yuffie: Hey.  
  
Aeris: Will get down to nothing but these skimpy thong bikinis and wrestle one another in this pit of chocolate sauce.  
  
Sephiroth: We love you even more!  
  
Vincent: ........... (Thinking naughty thoughts)  
  
Kuja: I have that tickling sensation in my swimsuit area.  
  
Link: I'm so confused!  
  
Dante: GET THE POPCORN!!!!  
  
Kain: YEA! Wait, how about, instead of chocolate, you make it blood!  
  
Aeris: Well, originally we were going to go with mud, but the girls and I didn't want to lick mud off each other, so we made it chocolate. But blood, I think we've killed enough homeless people in one year, Kain. We don't want to rid the US of most of its people, now do we?  
  
All the guys except Link: Can we join in?!?!  
  
Aeris: No. Only one man can join in! (The guys all begin to fight for it.)  
  
Goughnour: (Walks in.) Hola. What's going on?  
  
Aeris: (looks at the group of fighting guys, too busy to notice Goughnour) Welllllll.... Come with us, and you'll find out!  
  
Yuffie and Tifa: (grab Goughnour and carry him off, following Aeris out of the room and towards the chocolate sauce) Whheeeee!  
  
Fighting Guys: (stop fighting and look around) WHERE'D THE GIRLS GO?!!?!?!  
  
Link: (who had been watching the whole time) I believe they went off without any of you, yet took the Goughnour. I guess you all are one can short of a six pack.  
  
Guys: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Yes. So, now that we've fitted enough sexual content in here to over turn an elephant, though I'm confused on how that would work, we must bid you all out there in the audience a farewell for now. Don't forget to review, please! And remember kids; no one is allowed to touch you in your swimsuit area. Later all.


	19. The pursuit of the spider monkeys!

Chapter 19. The wheel's still turning, but the hamster is dead.  
  
Aeris: (dressed in red and black, similar clothing to that of Vincent.) Love's a bitch.  
  
All: (stare at her).......  
  
Sephiroth: What's with the Vincent get up?  
  
Aeris: (looks solemnly at him as Vincent always does) I'm in a state of self-loathing. Bother me not, for love is killing me slowly from within.  
  
Kuja: Don't you think love is the strongest force in the universe?  
  
Aeris: No, I'd have to go with stupidity. Followed closely by its cousin, ignorance. Morning breath is number three, thanks for reminding me. Then you've got selfishness, lust, fear, money, and luck.  
  
Link: But love is in the top ten, right?  
  
Aeris: It's fourteenth, right after foolish optimism. However, love is much like a savage beast that eats away at your heart.  
  
Vincent: (walks in) Indubitably.  
  
Dante: Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.  
  
Aeris: .......Sorry, what did you say, I was too busy daydreaming of my funeral. (Turns to Vincent, Vincent turns to her.) Shall we go and loathe the world together at one of those Goth cafés?  
  
Vincent: (stares at her with a sad joy.) Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life, so I believe it is a good suggestion.  
  
Aeris: Well, let us be off. Hopefully, that evil shiny thing in the sky won't laugh at me the entire time as we make our way there.  
  
Sephiroth: That's the sun.  
  
Kain: I know, it's evil isn't it, Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Indubitably, it burns my eyes whenever I try to scream at it. My inner child just killed itself.  
  
Kuja: Again?  
  
Aeris: Yes. Anyways, Vincent and I are leaving now. (They leave. A dark rain cloud follows over their heads.)  
  
Legolas: FIGHT MEGAMAN! FOR EVERLASTING PEACE!  
  
Kain: ......... let's just start the chapter.  
  
Chapter 19. If nobody else was violent, I could conquer this stupid planet with just a butter knife.  
  
The sun was out and there were very few clouds in the sky. It was a beautiful day on the planet as to be expected. However, a kidnapped Aeris didn't find it very happy like she usually did, most likely because she was too busy kicking and shouting at her captor for her to be released and taken back to her house in Midgar. She was getting tired from all her crying and struggling because DamIan was only going to keep ignoring her as they flew smoothly along towards the Northern Crater. Aeris finally gave up and went limp in his strong arms that were much like Sephiroth's. She gave a few seconds to that thought and couldn't help but sob.  
  
"Why did you kill him?!?!?!" Aeris demanded, turning enough to grab a handful of his silver locks and pull as hard as she possibly could. He let out a yell of anger and punched her in the stomach. She had the wind knocked out of her and began to cough and choke for her breaths.  
  
"I did not kill him, he still lives. I merely wounded him. He is on his way for you as we speak." DamIan told her coldly. "Now, tell me. Since it will be just the two of us for a while once we arrive at our destination, how do you effect my elder brother?"  
  
"Go to hell." Aeris managed to cough out, still dazed from his hit.  
  
"Tsk, tsk. A beautiful young woman such as yourself should not use such language. It isn't fitting." DamIan told her.  
  
"Like I said, go to hell." Aeris muttered. She thought about Sephiroth and wondered how he could possibly be alive after being sliced open like a watermelon. Mmmm, watermelon. He had to be strong enough to heal after something like that. She knew that she had to be strong too, so she wiped away her tears and set herself on waiting for the opportune moment when she could bludgeon her captor's head in with something heavy and sharp. She looked away from his line of sight and smirked evilly as she planned.  
  
"Is there something that humors you, my dear?" DamIan insisted, still focused on flying. Aeris' face went back to a frown and stayed that way the rest of the flight.  
  
Back with the gang that was in hot pursuit...  
  
All the guys onboard the Highwind and in the engine room were fired up and ready to kick some Sephiroth clone ass. Dante, Kain, Legolas and Link were busy sharpening their blades while Kuja was contemplating which spell he should use first on the kidnapper. Vincent and Cid were too busy trying to keep track of Sephiroth, who was flying further and further ahead.  
  
"I hope to the three goddesses of Hyrule that Aeris is okay." Link said as he went over all his bombchus and arrows.  
  
"You're religious?" Legolas laughed.  
  
"Of course I am! Everyone in Hyrule is!" Link told them.  
  
"Well I know Satan's real and all but it's sorta hard to be religious when certain people never get incinerated by bolts of lightning." Dante said, loading his shotgun. Boomstick, hehehe.  
  
"We're getting closer to the Northern Crater, that's where they're heading." Vincent said quietly, yet loud enough to be audible to the others.  
  
"But most of that #&ing place was destroyed by (%#$ing Holy or whatever." Cid said confused.  
  
"Your guess is as good as mine." Vincent told him. "Let's just hope my son can get there in time to stop that guy that looks just like him. Damn Ian or whatever his name is."  
  
Aeris: That's not nice, Vincent.  
  
Vincent: What? I said his name.  
  
Aeris: and you also damned the Goughnour.  
  
Vincent: ......... Whatever. If the Goughnour is also Sephiroth, then I can damn my son if I please.  
  
Aeris: But it isn't nice.  
  
Vincent: I only please one person a day. Today is not his day and tomorrow isn't looking good either.  
  
Aeris: Oh, really, and who did you by chance please today?  
  
Vincent: Heheheh, weeeeeeell... (Grins at Elisha as she walks in)  
  
Elisha: SAVE THE WORLD!  
  
Aeris:......... May the forces of evil be confused on the way to your house, Vincent.  
  
Let us check with what Sephiroth has to think about all this......  
  
The one winged angel rapidly made his way through the sky, hot on his test tube born younger brother's trail. He could faintly catch the smell of Aeris' perfume still lingering in the air as it streamed past him. He couldn't remember the last time he was so infuriated. In fact, he has never been so fumed over something, not even when Cloud defeated him. Oh, sure he was pissed but he just excepted the fact that he was beaten and moved onto death, which didn't last long because he was brought back for a second chance with Aeris. And it was because of Aeris that made him so mad. She was gone. Taken. He would not except that and forget about it. He was going to get her back. Sephiroth still had to get laid. Well, okay, he wasn't just thinking about that.... But he realized that he needed her if he was going to continue living this second chanced life.  
  
Back in the Highwind.... Where I was blinded by tiny raccoon paws...  
  
"We're almost ($ing there! Get ready, faggots!" Cid barked at the battle ready boys.  
  
"Party!" Dante shouted waving around his sword and guns. "Let's rock baby!"  
  
"Simmer down now, pitiful half demon." Kain said, licking a bit of blood off his sword from the last pack of hobos. "Someone once told me that when I absentmindedly lick my incisors, I'm either thinking about sex....or killing someone. And when it's rescuing Aeris from some jerk off, I'm expecting both."  
  
"Yeah, like that's ganna happen. You, I, and even the audience pretty much could guess that she's ganna go for Sephiroth." Legolas told the vampire as he sheathed his twin blades. "But I believe we should at least try and kick this sick man's ass until he dies."  
  
"We're almost there." Vincent said off in his own little world. "Almost."  
  
Inside the Crater where DamIan and Aeris were.....  
  
"I'm sorry I hit you earlier, but you were pulling my hair and it hurt." DamIan told her when he put her down gently. His demonic-like wings retracted and disappeared into his back and he took off his heavy black cloak. He wore a leather uniform some-what similar to Sephiroth's.  
  
'Wow, he's really polite, even after everything that's happened. No matter, I still don't like him' Aeris thought, letting out a 'hmmph!' to show she didn't care about his apology. She thought about when Sephiroth would make it here in time to stop this clone.  
  
"So what is your name if I may ask?" DamIan smiled nicely to her.  
  
"........." Aeris was about to tell him to 'f off' but decided against it. "Aeris Gainsborough."  
  
"What a pretty name for a pretty girl." He said partially to himself. "Tell me more about yourself."  
  
Aeris wasn't sure why he was being so friendly and didn't like it; she didn't get around Midgar when she was younger by being naïve. She had to keep her wits up. "I sell flowers."  
  
"So that's why you have such a large garden." DamIan laughed. "How old are you?"  
  
"I just turned 23 a week ago." Aeris replied.  
  
"Aren't you a bit young for my brother, about 8 years difference?" He asked.  
  
"That's our business, not yours." Aeris told him, rather irritated that he'd begin to get rude now. "It's time for me to ask you some questions, mister. What are you playing at? What is it that you want?"  
  
"To fulfill my father, Hojo's, request on finishing the reunion!" DamIan told her, raising his arms and laughing manically. She finally saw the similitude to Sephiroth besides his mirror looks.  
  
"Look, idiot, I take it that you think Hojo's plans are all you have to live for, but that's not so! Seph—"Aeris began but was cut off when DamIan put his finger to her lips.  
  
"I know. You weren't in his plans, but I've decided to keep you." He told her. Aeris was about to flip but he went on. "In case Sephiroth is to fail in the use of the Black Materia and is unable to proceed in the Reunion of Jenova, I shall take his place and complete the process. That's what he created me for. However, since Sephiroth failed and is unable to complete the process, I have no choice but to lure him here and take care of him."  
  
"Reunion? Cloud told me about that... But there are no more clones and Jenova's dead! What do you mean take care of him?!" Aeris backed away. The terrain was very rocky and smashed so she almost tripped.  
  
"Jenova does not matter anymore. And I must destroy my elder brother to keep him out of my way. Then, I will complete the process by summoning Meteor. Once it strikes the planet and the planet uses it's energy to try and heal itself, I will cultivate that energy and become a god, taking Sephiroth's place. And you, my dear, can help me in reshaping this planet over to our liking. Think about it, immortality will be yours." DamIan said taking her hand in his. "You have no idea how alone I've been over the two years after my father quit checking up on me two years ago. Come on, you're a beautiful young woman. You must be powerful if you can hold my brother away."  
  
"Never. You're 'brother' wasn't being held away, he chose not to destroy this planet! He and I were brought back for a second chance! There is no reason to destroy this anyways. The only reason why he was going to do it was because Jenova was controlling him! Hojo only went along with whatever Sephiroth was doing so that he could finish his experiment! Hojo's dead now, so you don't NEED to 'finish' his stupid experiment! Live your own life, Sephiroth is!" Aeris screamed at him. He just stared at her before cracking up with laughter.  
  
"You're so cute when you're mad! Really, I must comply to my father's wishes, even if he is dead. I have no other purpose in life." DamIan told her with a smile. Aeris realized that he's pretty much a semi-nice version of Sephiroth. Yet his stubbornness annoyed her for she was stubborn too, and when two stubborn people argue about something, it's not ganna stop any time soon.  
  
"Make your life have a purpose then!" Aeris commanded. "That's what everyone else in life has to do!"  
  
"I can not do that until after I fulfill my mission." DamIan told her as he pulled out his sword. Aeris gulped, thinking he was going to attack her. "It matters not, Sephiroth is here and soon I'll commence the plan."  
  
Aeris blinked and looked around in the sky through the fallen crater debris and boulders around them. They were on a rock plateau in the southern part of the crater. She could see, only faintly at first, a shape come hurtling down towards them. As it got closer and closer, Aeris could make out the black pants, silver hair, and the black wing of Sephiroth. He slowed down a bit before landing hard on his feet perfectly. Aeris let out a cry of joy and was about to run to him when DamIan grabbed her wrist.  
  
"You belong to me now." He told her, pulling her back away from Sephiroth.  
  
"NO I DON'T! LET ME GO!" Aeris screamed at him as she clawed and bit his hand. Sephiroth launched forward to attack, yet DamIan sent him flying backwards with a hard punch in the chest. DamIan picked up Aeris and carried the struggling girl over to a safe area between two boulders. He put her down forcefully and cast a spell, creating a barrier over and around her like a cage. She beat on the walls of the barrier but to no avail. "SEPHIROTH!!!"  
  
Sephiroth picked himself out of a now shattered boulder and outstretched his single black wing. His aura that surrounded him was radiating with a green light, his eyes illuminated with the same greenness but with more density. He was infuriated beyond compare. Tensely, he spoke. His voice shook from rage. "You know that noise Charlie Brown makes when Lucy pulls away the football? That's the sound in my head right now... I'm going to pound your ass into oblivion, punk-faced little brother!"  
  
"Hahahahha! Nicely put. Hopefully your bite is almost as big as your bark, big brother." DamIan laughed as he went into a defensive stance. "Father would be ashamed if you were out of practice."  
  
"Father?" Sephiroth inquired darkly.  
  
"He means Hojo!" Aeris shouted, slightly muffled by the barrier keeping her pinned between the two large stones. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Hojo's not my father." Sephiroth hissed. A gust of wind past by the twin fighters, rustling their hair slightly around them. Cid had landed the Highwind up on a ledge fifty feet above them and already the gang of men were streaming down the side of the cliff towards the fighters. DamIan smiled. Sephiroth gave him a glare that would even scare death itself away.  
  
"Surely he told you that he created you?" DamIan asked surprised.  
  
"I know he sculpted me into a monster, but I didn't know he was possibly my father until several days before today." Sephiroth ridiculed. He turned around and pointed at the caped dark man sprinting towards them with the other guys. "That man is my father."  
  
DamIan looked at Vincent and frowned. Vincent stopped and wiped away the tears of joy forming in his eyes. "Oh, son, I love you too."  
  
"And if you were cloned from me, that means you too are his son." Sephiroth finished, still looking like he was going to kill.  
  
"It matters not, I still must fulfill my creator's wishes. Prepare yourself, brother!" DamIan told him, raising his sword. Sephiroth raised his Masamune and they launched themselves at each other.  
  
What will happen once their swords cross? Who will win this battle? What will become of Aeris? Will Kuja stop worrying about his manicure long enough to get to the bottom of the cliff with the others? And will someone die, with lots and lots of blood spray? Stay tuned for the next and final chapter of MOOGLES GONE WILD!!!!!!!!  
  
Author notes now, peoples.  
  
Sephiroth: (looks around) Is Aeris still at that damn café with Vincent?  
  
Kain: Nope, here she comes running this way. And it seems she's dragging Vincent with her.  
  
Aeris: WHHHHEEEEEEEE! I'm so stupid to be so gloomy! I need to move on from my mistakes! I'm so HAPPY!!!  
  
Legolas: Okay, who gave her the Old Toby?  
  
Aeris: Oh, Legolas, I'm not high on Old Toby! I'm high on life!  
  
Link: Okay, seriously, who gave it to her?  
  
Aeris: (grabs Link and Legolas and kisses both) I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!  
  
Kain, Dante, Sephiroth: What about us!? Share the happiness!  
  
Aeris: (kisses them as well) WHHEEE! Oh! And Dark Sephiroth! I love you too, and I'm sorry I was being such a bitch. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILD!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Why do you want to conceive his children?!  
  
Aeris: No, no, I don't want to conceive them, I just want to have them once he has children! I want a small child so that I may raise it like Mariko Kurata-San!  
  
Link: Uhuh.... (Backs away slowly)  
  
Aeris: Guys... I'm feeling it!  
  
Guys: What? What?!  
  
Aeris: My heart's so full! I'm all fired up! I also want to thank the Goughnour...  
  
Goughnour: (walks in) Hola.  
  
Aeris: (whispers) You're not supposed to be here as I say this! Shoo, shoo, I say!  
  
Goughnour: Fine. (Pouts and walks off)  
  
Aeris: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for helping me get through my troubles! You made me smile when I thought nothing good would happen. I was wrong, you helped me though everything. :) Thank you! I'm ganna have to buy you a lot of ice cream sometime soon. I will do my best to be strong and try hard not to make any more mistakes. I have to believe in myself to overcome what went wrong! I AM SO HAPPY, I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU!!!!!!!! (Runs around outside until passes out)  
  
Goughnour: Does she realize that I read this?  
  
Kuja: Most likely, however, I don't think she cares anymore. It's so happy though!  
  
Vincent: But Aeris. What happened to the depressing Goth café visits we had scheduled?  
  
Aeris: LIVE A LITTLE!!!!!!! (Grabs a handful of Zoloft pills from the happy bouncing ball thing that happened to be bouncing down the street and shoves them down Vincent's mouth)  
  
Vincent: (turns all happy and giddy) WHEEEEEEEEEE!!! ICE CREAM!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: I feel like I'm in a freakin' happy confessional house. Apparently, she's gone insane, but it's one of those happy kinds.  
  
Kain: Yea. You wanna go kill some hobos?  
  
Sephiroth: Sure.  
  
Dante: I am so coming with you guys.  
  
Link: ......... (watches Aeris and Vincent run around in circles together.) Anyways, I'd like to inform all of you that she has put up her new website and it is being built to your liking. Send us some ideas either by email, which is highly recommended, or by guestbook. The URL ......... Yea. Thanks for reading. Goodbye, and 10 more reviews please.  
  
Aeris: (runs around some more) I WUVVLES THE GORE MONKEY!!! 


	20. I was born, wait, it gets worse!

Chapter XX, I just don't have time to date transvestites anymore... Sorry Cloud.  
  
Aeris: SO THIS IS IT! The last and final chapter of MOOGLES GONE WILD!!!! Oh the humanity of it all! Heheheheh. Eat your peeps... they're a good source of many vitamins, which you can only find on the periodic table. Well actually we don't know what the US RDA of Californium is, but if you want to eat some we'll keep an eye on you and let you know.  
  
Link: Mmmmm, Californiumny goodness...  
  
Legolas: EAT MY LEAFY FURY!!!! BIZNATCH! (He attacked a random dog that was just walking by. Don't worry, it bit Legolas in the leg and he had to go to the doctor because he began to foam at the mouth more than usual.)  
  
Kain: I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.  
  
Sephiroth: Riiiiiight. I'm beginning to believe that I've been the only sane person here.  
  
Kuja: You're just jealous because the voices talk to us.  
  
Sephiroth: ........  
  
Aeris: Insanity chooses its victims well. Oh yea, I ran into my ex the other day... I put the car in reverse and hit 'em again after that.  
  
Kain: What did you do with his body?  
  
Aeris: ......... left it there. There was a pack of hobos nearby, watching it all. I think they were encircling his body while I was driving off. I never knew hobos were cannibals. Mmmmmmm, top ramen.  
  
Vincent: Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. I believe everyone should start up compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed there would be no more war.  
  
All: ............  
  
Sephiroth: Dad, no. Just no. Please. Just shut your noise hole.  
  
Vincent: No, bad son, don't talk back to me like that!  
  
Sephiroth: Be kind to your children, they choose your nursing home.  
  
Vincent: ............  
  
Legolas: Yes, well, that is lovely and all but we really must start the fic now. So shut the (%& up please. Thank you.  
  
...............................................................  
  
Chapter XXX Wait, no. There's only two 'x's. Chapter XX It's gonna be another 'stop here and get your Twinkies' place...  
  
Sephiroth and DamIan's swords clashed against one another's. Sparks were flying between the two blades. The two glared at one another as they both tried to push the other's blade back so that they could get the first strike in. Sephiroth was wearing down under DamIan's pressure and beginning to be pushed back. His feet desperately tried to keep from sliding in the rocking ground. He wasn't going to be able to push back his calm looking brother.  
  
"You are not strong enough, dear older brother." DamIan coolly told him like nothing was wrong. Sephiroth gritted his teeth as sweat began to trickle down his face. DamIan smirked and vanished from in front of Sephiroth. Sephiroth fell forward as he noticed why DamIan had moved; Dante and Kain were trying to get in a back attack with their swords. However, because they were in midair, soaring towards where DamIan used to be and Sephiroth was falling forward still in the hundredths of a second that were passing by, they all collided into one another. Thankfully, they managed not to stab one another and were back on their feet after a few seconds. Kuja sent several Firaga spells towards DamIan while Link and Legolas tried to shoot him with arrows. DamIan, however, repelled all their attacks and sent them flying through rock walls. Link and Legolas were unable to fight from then on and Kuja was badly injured, the three passed out. Dante, Kain and Sephiroth all attempted striking DamIan with their swords. They too were immediately repelled and thrown back. Sephiroth got back up and was now the only one left to try and kill DamIan. He heaved his Masamune into a strike pose and launched himself at his clone. As fast as Sephiroth was, he wasn't fast enough to attack DamIan. DamIan's speed was lightning fast, almost as if he knew what Sephiroth was about to do. He reappeared behind a worn Sephiroth, striking him almost fatally with his sword in the ribs. Sephiroth howled in pain and howled again as DamIan smashed Sephiroth's leg with the back of his sword. Sephiroth fell to the ground, wheezing for air. His chest side was now gushing blood. DamIan laughed at him as Sephiroth forced his arm to reach for his Masamune three feet from him. The clone hastily stepped on Sephiroth's hand and crushed it into the ground with his boot.  
  
"Just give up, Sephiroth." DamIan told him before he turned to face Aeris. He walked over to the barrier. Aeris was crying and calling for Sephiroth, ignoring DamIan. His expression became cross and he turned back to Sephiroth and casted Ultima on his almost unconscious body. Sephiroth screamed in agony until the green fog faded, his body fell to the ground, limp. Aeris screamed and sobbed into her hands when DamIan turned his attention back to her. "Aw, come on, Aeris. Forget about Sephiroth. We'll have lot's of fun together."  
  
As DamIan was busy trying to stop Aeris from crying, Vincent and Cid rushed over to Sephiroth's body. Vincent quickly pulled out a phoenix down and used it on him. He regained consciousness but moaned in misery. Cid threw a few elixirs on him and his bleeding stopped, however, it wasn't enough.  
  
"Aeris. Just sit tight and wait. It'll all be over shortly." DamIan said, reaching in his coat pocket to pull out the black materia. Yet, there was nothing in his pocket. "WHAT THE HELL?! WHERE DID IT GO?!"  
  
Cid and Vincent both saw Yuffie tiptoeing away in the shadows. Sephiroth, too, managed to notice this and struggled to his feet and forced his body into a run after the young ninja while DamIan was occupied in searching all his pockets. Sephiroth tackled the girl and covered her mouth before she could let out a scream. Cid and Vincent ran over to the two.  
  
"Yuffie! What are you doing here?!" Vincent demanded.  
  
"I was just hanging around in the area, looking for some materia and noticed that Sephiroth clone had the black materia. I thought I might just take it for myself. I know a new pawn shop that would take it for a good amount. Yo! You are not going to take it! It's mine!" Yuffie screamed as Sephiroth tore it out of her hands. At first, he had a remembrance of what it was like to hold such power. He could feel the energy of the black materia flow into his hand. A small voice in the back of his head screamed silently for him to take it back as the materia pulsed through his arm. Sephiroth was entranced by the black orb in his grasp, yet something pulled him back into the real world. Aeris' voice somehow entered his mind even through the barrier, ignoring every other sound including Vincent, Cid and Yuffie who were screaming at him. Sephiroth snapped back to normal and realized DamIan was running towards him with a furious look. Only then Sephiroth knew what he had to do.  
  
"GIVE ME THAT!!!" DamIan roared, lunging for the black materia. Sephiroth jumped for his Masamune, grabbed it, and quickly brought it down to the black materia. DamIan's eyes widened. "NOOO!!!!!"  
  
Sephiroth smiled as the black materia slowly cracked and finally shattered into millions of tiny pieces. The remains turned into dust and shifted away in the wind as Sephiroth's smile widened. Sephiroth stood up slowly, still smiling at his frozen younger sibling.  
  
"So, what now, little brother?" Sephiroth asked in a mocking tone. "It looks like you're up Chocolate Creek without a Popsicle stick. I know you needed the black materia in order to be stronger than me. I remember how I used its power two years ago and now that it's gone, you're only as powerful as me."  
  
"........." DamIan looked as though he was confused and didn't know what to do, like a lost child. Sephiroth ignored his pain with his rage and charged. DamIan prepared his self, expecting Sephiroth to strike with his sword. He was surprised when Sephiroth faked him out, striking his face with his fists. DamIan tried to push him off but Sephiroth had him pinned and was now pummeling him into the ground, not at all about to stop. Vincent, Cid and Yuffie were casting a debarrier spell on Aeris' caging barricade. Once they managed to take it off, Aeris was running towards Sephiroth while he was still thrashing away at his clone.  
  
"SEPHIROTH! ENOUGH!" Aeris screamed at Sephiroth, pulling him off. He tried to push her away and get back to beating DamIan, but she persisted on holding him back. "QUIT IT! LOOK AT HIM!"  
  
Sephiroth looked down at the now bloody DamIan, he was now trying to shield his face, crying. He certainly wasn't used to being beaten in battle like that. Sephiroth understood that he was most likely treated differently while he was raised extremely different than he was, even if it was still in a lab. Aeris finally pulled Sephiroth back. Vincent thought it would be okay to take over, walking over to all of them. He calmly bent over and grabbed DamIan's ear and pulled him to his feet.  
  
"NOW! Don't we feel ashamed of ourselves?" Vincent demanded as he twisted DamIan's ear. Sephiroth started laughing, that is until Vincent grabbed his ear as well. Both boys were now chanting 'ow, ow, ow' as Vincent twisted. "Now, don't even start, son. It's not nice to beat up your little brother like you were!"  
  
"What the hell?! He stole Aeris away from me and was going to destroy the world!!! It's not fare!!" Sephiroth whined. Vincent twisted again on his ear. "OW!"  
  
"What have I told you about your language?!" Vincent demanded. He let go of both their ears and folded his arms. "Now, I want you both to apologize to each other, especially you, DamIan."  
  
"...Sorry." The silver haired boys said in unison.  
  
"........." DamIan wiped away his tears and blood. Vincent smacked the back of his head, forcing his apology out of him. "I'm very sorry for trying to destroy the world!"  
  
"Okay, good. Now, let's settle down and get everyone's wounds healed, okay." Vincent said. Everyone sorta nodded and Aeris was happy to supply her healing power for everyone. Their wounds may have healed but the pain didn't want to go away. Sephiroth was the last to be healed by Aeris. Once she fixed up his ribs, she smiled to show she was finished. She was surprised when he pulled her into her arms. Kuja, Dante, Link, Kain, Vincent, Yuffie, Cid, Legolas and DamIan gathered behind them, watching.  
  
"Aeris, I love you. I've never had anyone to love in my life before you and you're all I could ever hope to have." Sephiroth told her, holding her tightly.  
  
"Geeze! Sephiroth, didn't you have a social life when you were younger?!" Aeris asked in amazement, pulling away to look into his face.  
  
"I was the only child of a homicidal mad scientist and I believed a genocidal alien lifeform was my mother for about six years. You have no idea what that does to your social life." Sephiroth answered, fishing around in his pants pocket for something. When he obtained what he was after, he kneeled before Aeris, squinting in pain from the multiple injuries he now had. "Aeris...."  
  
"Yes?" Aeris' eyes were now all starry-like as he gripped her hands with his right and pulled out his left, holding something.  
  
"Will you marry me?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes all starry-like too. He held up the cheap metal smiley-faced ring that she had won in the restaurant and gave to him. Aeris was so stunned as she put her hands over her gaping mouth. Vincent began to cry on Cid's shoulder.  
  
"My little boy is all grown up! SOB!" Vincent cried. Cid grunted but allowed him to cry on his shoulder.  
  
"Sephiroth, this is so sudden..." Aeris managed to whisper out. Sephiroth's hopeful gaze turned into a disappointed and sad one. He got up, with his head hung and spoke, his voice was solemn. "I- I...."  
  
"In other words, no." Sephiroth guessed. "I mean I can understand. I killed you and all. And I've been nothing but trouble and—"  
  
Aeris cut him off by pulling him down and kissing him deeply. When she finally pulled away she looked at his surprised expression and laughed. "Of course I'll marry you, silly!" It took a few seconds for her words to click in his head. He let out a yell of happiness and picked her up and swung her around as they both laughed. Everyone in the group, including DamIan, let out a long 'Awwwwwwww'. However, Sephiroth forgot about his leg and ribcage that were still in pain. Soon his laughter turned to cries of pain as he fell back to the ground. Aeris helped him sit up and hugged him before he started the kissing back up again. They kissed one another repeatedly until they heard a voice of disapproval.  
  
"Jeezuz crap, people! Get a room already!" Dante said. He jumped behind everyone else when Sephiroth and Aeris glared at him with daggers in their eyes. "OKAY! Okay! Go ahead and make out in front of everyone! In fact, while you're at it, go ahead and have sex."  
  
"Meh, we just might." Aeris told him with a naughty smirk on her face.  
  
DamIan grinned slightly. "You're such a tease, Aeris."  
  
"I'm not a tease. I'm just a reminder of what you can't have." Aeris told him mischievously. He nodded with a grin.  
  
"Right. But you, uh, you don't happen to have a sister, particularly a twin? Or a clone, perhaps?" DamIan asked slyly. Aeris laughed and shook her head.  
  
"Nope, sorry, I'm the last of my kind, literally." Aeris replied with a smile, helping Sephiroth stand up. She let him support himself on her.  
  
"Well, Aeris, since we're engaged and all, we could, like, fix that. Heheheh. Hmm? Hmmm?" Sephiroth hugged her closer and rocked her questioningly. Aeris blushed deep red. She pulled out her Piko hammer and bopped him lightly on the forehead out of embarrassment.  
  
"Sephy, I'd like to worry about kids after we have a few years to ourselves." She conveyed to him, poking him in the chest.  
  
"WOOT! Good deal!" Sephiroth said. He bent down and kissed her again.  
  
"Awwwwwwww, this is so cute!" Kuja said, wiping away a tear.  
  
"Seriously, let's see some action here. Get it on already!" Cid said in the background waiting for them to get down and dirty in front of them all.  
  
Three weeks later, Aeris and Sephiroth were to be married in a field outside the rocky terrain of Cosmos Canyon where it was surrounded by blossoming cherry trees and lots of flowers. Everyone attended the wedding, from the former members of the Turks to the members of Avalanche and everyone in between. Sephiroth stood next to the priest dude with Vincent next to him. Legolas, Kuja, Kain, Link and Dante were the groom's men and DamIan was Sephiroth's best man. All of them were in traditional black tuxedos. Yuffie, Cloud, and Shera (5 months pregnant with Cid's child since they were married a year ago, forgot to tell you all.) were the bride's maids while Tifa, who was married to Cloud, was the matron of honor. Marlene was the flower girl, tossing flowers into the air before Aeris walked her way to the alter with Barret taking the place of her father. She wore a beautiful white dress and had her hair down with white flowers decorating her hair, and she held a bouquet of matching white flowers. Finally, they got to the talking part, and they exchanged their 'I do's'. The priest gave the words and Sephiroth turned and kissed Aeris. Everyone cheered, wedding bells rang, cherry blossoms sprinkled down upon everyone from the trees, birds sang, Vincent began to cry tears of joy on Cid's shoulder again, and everyone was really, really happy. Sephiroth and Aeris went and cut the cake, then fed one another. Aeris thought it would be funny to shove an entire piece into Sephiroth's face. He then shoved one into hers and laughed. After they cleaned themselves of cake frosting, Aeris tossed the flowers for all the women who were invited to catch. However, because Cloud dressed as a woman and insisted on being one of Aeris' bride's maids, he insisted on being in the horde of women. And because he was, it was he that caught the bouquet of flowers. DamIan spent most of his time flirting with one of the invited young and beautiful women during the reception. Sephiroth took a minute to go talk to his younger bro while the woman went to the bathroom.  
  
"so, I see you already found a chick to pick up." Sephiroth commented. DamIan nodded.  
  
"Indeed. That female looks capable of passing on my genetic material. Congratulations, by the way. I wish the best of luck when you try to pass yours on with Aeris." DamIan said, patting his brother on the back.  
  
"......... Um, thank you. Well, I should, er, get back with Aeris and leave you to.... Um, work on 'passing your genetic material' as you like to say, with that woman." Sephiroth told him as the woman returned to talk with DamIan some more. After that he and the woman, who was named coincidently named Jessebella, often IMed one another and often had ice cream together. During the reception, Aeris and Sephiroth danced a bit, accepted wedding gifts and talked to a lot of guests. Cloud and Tifa went over to them and said hi, Tifa forced Cloud to dress back in a tuxedo and Sephiroth couldn't help but make fun of him until Aeris pinched his arm for him to stop. Red XIII, Bugenhagen (you know, Red's adoptive grandfather that floats around on a freaking pillow), and Reeve (he decided to show up instead of using Cait Sith) made their way over to the newly wed couple.  
  
"Ho ho ho! Aeris, I was able to research that pink stone you had me look at." Bugenhagen told her as he hand her the remaining stone from the cake that had summoned Legolas, Kuja, Link, Kain and Dante. "It is a stone made up of a more condensed mako. They've been found near the Forgotten City in the sleeping forest. They are supposed to grant wishes and I can clearly see that they work. The way the boys came is also how they have to leave, through the stones."  
  
"I figured as much with the freaks popping up and all." Sephiroth said to himself. Aeris sent him a disapproving look.  
  
"Sephiroth." Aeris scolded him before turning her attention back to Bugenhagen. "So in order to send them back to where they came from, I only have to wish it?"  
  
"Ho ho ho! Indubitably!" Bugenhagen chortled. He floated off with Red XIII and Reeve after they congratulated the two. Aeris and Sephiroth made their way to the foreign guys that had been wished there.  
  
"Hey, we found out how to send your butts home!" Sephiroth said happily. "Okay Aeris, wish them gone!"  
  
"Sephiroth, wait a minute! We have to say goodbye." Aeris told her husband. She explained how they came to her world and how she could send them back. They all got back into their original outfits and gathered in a circle with Sephiroth, Aeris, Vincent and Cid. Cid and Vincent wished them luck and went back to the reception. Aeris kissed them all on the cheek and thanked them for the dates and all the fun.  
  
"And I was just getting used to this place, the strip joint down the street from your house kicks ass, Aeris. But they've got some cool ones in America, so later!" Dante said.  
  
"I enjoyed being here, it was fun! There aren't drunken chicks trying to seduce you here!" Link said, saying his goodbye.  
  
"The hobos taste good. However, I will leave you, fair lady. Farewell." Kain said, turning into the gentleman as he had when he first met Aeris.  
  
"It was fun. Good luck tonight, buddy, she got pretty wild during our date at that Gold Saucer place." Kuja said, elbowing Sephiroth. Aeris blushed in embarrassment.  
  
"I must admit it was surely an adventure to travel to another realm such as yours. Thank you for being such a gracious and lovely hostess for us all.  
  
"Thank you guys. Sorry for pulling you all from your worlds but you'll be there soon. Goodbye!" Aeris told, they all exchanged their goodbyes again and stood in a line. Aeris held the pink stone close to her heart and face the guys as she closed her eyes. She began her wish. 'I wish for Legolas, Kuja, Link, Kain, and Dante to return safely back to their worlds at the time they had left. Thank you.' She felt the smooth stone grow warmer and finally disappear from her hand, leaving nothing but air in her grasp. When Aeris opened her eyes, all five men were gone. She heaved a sigh of relief and sadness after sending her new friends back home, but still she was happy the rest of the day. Aeris Gainsborough turned back to face her new husband. Sephiroth smiled and hugged his new wife.  
  
"Now I'll have you all to my self." Sephiroth whispered to her as he held her close. Aeris laughed and they both turned back to join the party arm in arm. "Hey, Aeris? How come I didn't get a bachelor party in this fic?"  
  
"Ran out of space, sorry honey." Aeris answered with an evil smile.  
  
"Uhuh, ran out of space my ass." Sephiroth muttered. By the time he finished that sentence, Legolas would have came out of the mysterious bathroom hut in the forest, Kuja would step off the teleporter in his desert palace, Kain would be walking out into the city of Meridian to go kill their hobos, Link will have fallen into a pit of ravenous beasts that he chose to dive into, and Dante would have popped up in the middle of hell to fight the limbless Monty Python. Everything will be back to order and thus, a sign of the end.  
  
...............................................................  
  
"THE END!!!!!!!" Everyone in the fic screams and bows as you all clap. Clap, dammit. You know you want to. CLAP! I don't care if this is a computer, I can still hear if you clap or not! Elven ears of hearing, I have them, remember! Thank you for reading and yea. Bye. Now go read the author notes.  
  
...............................................................  
  
Aeris: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!! I'm flippen' done with this fic!!! If you don't like how it ended, well there are two things you can do. One, take sharp objects and repeatedly lodge them into your skull. Or, two, learn to deal with it. Like I stated when I first began this fic, I do not legally claim ownage over these sexy unreal men. However, I can still have my sick fantasies with them whenever, and wherever, so yea. I'd also like to state that I am not responsible for any insane, sadistic, malicsadict, and/or hyper sensations, despite what all the subliminal messages tell you. It's all in your mind, I assure you.  
  
Sephiroth: Heheheh, so when do we have our honeymoon, where we get to bump and grind, eh?  
  
Aeris: -.-' maybe later if you shut up.  
  
Sephiroth: SWEETNESS!!!  
  
Aeris: Anyways, because he has been so nice like he always is and I wuvvles him so, the Goughnour is in the other room, strapped to a chair with a horde of hot and sexy strippers doing a multiple amount of things to him as we speak.  
  
Goughnour: (is heard from the room) WOOT! Ooooh! WOAH, kinky! Hey, that tickles! Hahahahah!  
  
Sephiroth: Why?!?! Why the Goughnour?!?!?!?!  
  
Aeris: I like him, he's a nice, funny, down-to-earth, scratch 'n sniff kinda guy.  
  
Sephiroth: What about me?! Sniff! (Begins to cry)  
  
Aeris: Aww, Sephy, it's okay. I love you too. Come on, lets go play strip Chinese checkers together, just you and me. Then we can go on our honeymoon! I'll bring the chocolate sauce.  
  
Sephiroth: Sweet!  
  
Link: What about us?  
  
Legolas: Link, you must understand that we're only support characters. WE are the ones that just stand here and look pretty.  
  
Kuja: damn, I want my own fic. Then I can have all the chicks I want!  
  
Kain: O.o I never expected something so straight to come out of your mouth.  
  
Kuja: (casts Firaga on Kain)...Grrr.  
  
Dante: (looks at Kain's charred and flaming body) Burning vampires... (Downs a pint of Samuel Adams) Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore. Support mental health or I'll kill you!  
  
Vincent: Yes, Dante, now shut up. Ehem. Okay. Audience, we must ask you all to review. There will be a special chapter like thing where you may ask questions, give comments and receive thanks from the Author lady, Aeris.  
  
Kuja: Yuppers, it's special, small bus special.  
  
Vincent: No, not special like ed. Anyways, we hope to get many reviews with questions and comments. Then we can thank you. Yea. Sorta like chapter 13. Thank you for reading for those of you that don't want to be mentioned in the thanks.  
  
Link: BYE!!!!!!! 


	21. Can this be real!

Author: Omg! Could it be possible? Will there be….. A "MOOGLES GONE WILD!" SEQUEL! Yes, you heard right. I'm considering making a A "MOOGLES GONE WILD!" SEQUEL! (bells and whistles) I do intend on making a Prequel sometime in the near future, so look for that in about a month. But back to word on the sequel! Prepare for "MOOGLES GONE WILD: THE MOVIE!"

NOW WITH MORE HEART PUMPING ACTION!

Vincent: (shoots Hojo's corpse) Yay.

Sephiroth: (pees on Hojo's corpse) Yay.

(an outhouse EXPLODES!)

NOW WITH MORE HARD CORE SEX SCENES!

Aeris: Sephiroth, quit poking me with that thing.

Sephiroth: ……… Sorry.

NOW WITH MORE RANDOM NON-FINAL FANTASY BISHIES, ER, I MEAN CHARACTERS!

Auron: (looks around) Penis.

Vash: ……… Vagina.

Alucard: What the ($(...

Sesshomaru: Pathetic mortals.

OMG! AND THERE'S MORE! PREPARE FOR MOOGLES GONE WILD: THE MOVIE!

Okay, so it's not a movie……… just a fic. I'll try and update my other shit too. A Vampire's Passion needs to be finished. I start on the prequel soon. Don't hesitate to review and give me some of your guys' expectations, I'd love to hear them for both the prequel and sequel. Hope to hear from everyone. Later!


	22. NEWNESS!

Author: OMG I MADE MOOGLES GONE WILD TWO! GO READ IT!


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